Quick Hits: Oscars Part Deux

   
      Back to finish the best of the rest. Now in Part One of my two part series I broke down 5 of the 10 Oscar contenders for Best Picture. Many of them are out in theaters right now and I'd say that seeing the movies before sitting down with a tub of popcorn to watch the events at the Kodak Theater in Los Angeles is probably the best. If you don't have time or you really don't want to see these movies but still want to sound like you know what your talking about when you give a 5 minute dissertation on why Inception should of won. So now I will attempt to breakdown the other 5 although to be honest. I still have not seen Toy Story 3 or Winter's Bone. Since they have no chance, I will not feel too bad.

To review:

King's Speech :  ppppppuhlease dddddon't wwwwaste yyyyouuuur tttttime. I'll be quite ppppissed if it wins. If you were frustrated reading the first sentence, imagine two hours of it. Yeah, not so good. Colin Firth should win best actor but if this wins Best Picture, I will wonder wwwwhy.

Black Swan: Great movie and not only for the sex scenes. Who saw that coming? Certainly not Natalie Portman in the lesbian scene. Portman is a winner, Best Picture...nah.

Inception: The best movie of the year. Innovative, smart, brilliantly acted, written,directed. Has no chance in hell but the best of the best.

The Fighter: The one with Markie Mark playing some guy with abs who fights some guy no one's heard of. Christian Bale is brilliant as Mark Wahlberg's drug addicted brother. To follow karate kid logic, the movie is really about the fight Christian Bale goes through in overcoming drugs and his own personality to help his brother win his fights. Will not win Best Picture but deserves it more than most. Bale should easily win for Best Supporting actor.

The Social Network: Facebook movie about how The Facebook became Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg became a douche. The movie I predict will win Best Picture. Slight chance that Jessie Eisenberg (that's right Hallie Eisenberg's big/little brother) will win for Best Actor.

Toy Story 3

     I can't say that this doesn't deserve to win Best Picture for any other reason than it will probably win for Best Animated Picture. I can't tell you much of the story other than Woody and Buzz Lightyear undoubtedly get into some adventures when Andy's Mom sells them to a preschool. Chances are good that eventually the toys will find there way back to the safety of Andy's care. This movie will not win Best Picture, probably will win Best Animated Film. 

Winter's Bone

From IMDB: An unflinching Ozark Mountain girl hacks through dangerous social terrain as she hunts down her drug-dealing father while trying to keep her family intact.

      Sounds like one of those laugh a minute rides through drug abuse. My brother told me that it was perhaps one of the most disturbing movies he's ever seen and that I should love it. What exactly does that mean about me? That I like dark and disturbing movies, I suppose. It looks like a great movie and since I haven't seen it I can't say whether it deserves a Best Picture win or if the young girl in the movie should win for Best Actress. Probably won't but they are in the game so I can't rule them out.

The Kids Are All Right

       I remember, as I sat in the theater watching this movie because it was Teresa's "It's gonna win all the awards" movie of the week, thinking "This is a movie that was made with someone who is not me in mind." It is a great movie and worthy of being nominated but if you are under the age of 40, it will not affect you as it will some others. It's the story of two children of a lesbian couple, portrayed by Julianne Moore and Annette Bening, who search for an find their birth father portrayed by "13 Going on 30" actor Mark Ruffalo who comes into their lives and almost breaks the lesbian moms up. It is very...I don't want to say odd...but it is made for a more hippie baby boomer audience. A fine film, I wish it the best but it will probably not win. Great film but not the Best.

Golden Unhappy Awards:

Julianne Moore:  The Banky from Chasing Amy's "all they need is a good deep d--king" award.

Mark Ruffalo's Ass:  For making more appearances than Mark Ruffalo's face.

True Grit 

The Cohen Brothers remake the John Wayne classic and do so with great ability and skill.  As with every Cohen Brothers movies, they make a fun movie out of the story of a 14 year old girl who hires a man to help her find her father's murderer and bring him to justice. Hailee Steinfeld as the 14 year old girl shows talent well beyond her years creates a performance that both thrills and terrifies. If they had a Best New Actress category I'd put her up against Kick Ass and Let Me In's Chloe Grace Moretz as the Best New Actress of the Year. As it is they put her up against a bunch of actresses that the Academy will believe "deserve" it more.  I loved the movie, and it kept me entertained and interested to see what would happen to the characters. No Best Picture award but could earn the Bros. another Best Direction Award. If Hailee Steinfeld wins in the Best Supporting Actress, I will be very pleased.

Golden Unhappy Awards:

Hailee Steinfeld - Best New Actress

Matt Damon - Biggest Mouth with the littlest backup

Creepy Mooing guy - For giving me a healthy smile and laugh

127 Hours

This movie can be known as the one where the guy cuts his arm off. James Franco portrays  Aron Ralston, a hiker who went hiking by himself, fell and ended up with his arm wedged between a mountain and a large rock. Limited by the amount of food and water he has, Aron last 127 Hours until eventually sawing through his arm to save his life. This we know, what the movie has to do is keep us interested in this man's struggle for 2 hours with no other actor than James Franco onscreen. They cheat a bit using flashbacks and hallucinations but for the most part it is a guy with his arm caught trying to figure out what to do. It is masterfully done by "28 Days Later" and the lesser known "Slumdog Millionaire" director Danny Boyle and James Franco who make you feel the pain Aron feels without being too grossed out by what is a gross and disturbing thing to do. It should be one of the front runners for Best Picture but apparently stuttering is more interesting than cutting one's arm off to survive. James Franco should indeed be a front runner for Best Actor and while he is nominated I think the biggest honor he'll be given is Host.

Golden Unhappy Award:

James Franco : The "I just chopped my freaking arm off" award

***

There it is, a breakdown of next weeks Oscars. See you next time when I show you how to enjoy a horror movie, every time, without really putting too much effort into it.

Next:

How to survive the worst of the worst horror movies without putting too much effort in.

Karate Kid Part II, III, and The Next

Karate Kid Part II

Karate Kid Part II begins mere moments after the match at the All Valley tournament as John Kreese attacks Johnny (seriously how did this guy become such a force in teaching karate to kids) and Miyagi intervenes allowing Kreese to punch the windows out of two cars and then Miyagi threatens to kill the man. This seems like a drastic change of course until Miyagi stops his lethal karate chop inches (and by inches I mean like half a foot) away from Kreese's face and honks his nose. Then he throws him to the ground, leaving the man beaten and apparently financially ruined but we'll get to that. Having done his part, Miyagi and a stunned Daniel-San climb into the vehicle to leave.  I suppose it is up to the other Cobra Kai's to help their sensei get medical attention and find the driver's of those cars so they can all exchange insurance information. 

Three months later, after graduation, Daniel is moving in with Miyagi because he does not want to go to Fresno for the summer with his mom. Upon finding out he can stay at Miyagi's house with him, we learn from a letter from Mr. Miyagi's first love that Miyagi's father (who must be pushing 100) is gravely ill and has requested his son be there. There is a slight problem. Apparently his first love was promised to his best friend Sato who has challenged Miyagi to a fight to the death. If he returns the fight shall be on...but his father needs him so he goes home. Daniel weasels his way on the flight to be there for his friend (cause with his father dying, he really wants to have to protect Daniel's ass). There is a showdown pretty much immediately with Sato, Mr. Miyagi's best friend/mortal enemy (Godfather logic in full effect here) and Daniel makes immediate enemies of Chozen, Sato's number one student. Jesus kid, did you not learn your lesson about throwing hands with people who could literally kill him? 

So Daniel haplessly moves through beating after beating (the one thing he's shown is his ability to withstand a beating) , chops some ice, falls in love with a Japanese girl (Ali from the first movie has left him presumably for someone who beats her), and eventually saving Sato and a little girl who warns the village of an impending Monsoon (seriously we can't find a grown up to climb the tower and put in peril?) which allows Sato to call off on killing Miyagi. All is well on the tiny island of Okinawa and they all retire to the OBone dance. Daniel is eye-Oboning his asian lady Kumiko and doesn't see Chozen as he slides down a string of lights and smacks Daniel's girl in the mouth. Daniel needs to fight...this time it's all for real...to the death (or the honk). Let's just say everyone survives and we fade to black  to Peter Cetera's Glory of Love.

This movie does nothing more than take the first movie and move it further west to Japan. Plus it adds the silly notion that someone could have a fight to the death in Okinawa and not have to face charges. I'm all for "their way" but some local authorities should look into this and put an end to these death matches. What can you just buy your way out of murder convictions in Okinawa? If so I need to move to Okinawa so when someone cuts me off in traffic, I can challenge them to the death. It's not like this is a sanctioned mix martial arts match in the octagon. Also why does Daniel have to immediately start problems once he arrives in Okinawa? These flaws aside, the movie has some beautiful shots of Hawaii standing in for Okinawa and allows one to believe in the Glory of Love. Both Miyagi and Daniel find significant others who they hope to bring back to Los Angeles. It is a interesting film and worthy of viewing. I can't say it holds the same reverence as the first film but the series continues here and it leads one to the last of the Daniel-san movies.

One last question: If crane kick no can defend how does Chozen do so with minimal effort?


Great Quotes


Daniel-san, never put passion before principle. Even if win, you lose. - Mr. Miyagi

Aha... here are the two rules of Miyagi-Ryu Karate. Rule number one: "Karate for defense only." Rule number two: "First learn rule number one." - Mr. Miyagi

You think you could break a log like that? - Daniel
Don't know. Never been attacked by a tree. - Mr. Miyagi

You know... When my father died, I spent a lot of time thinking maybe I wasn't such a great son. It seemed to me like I could have listened to him a little more, spent some more time with him... I felt so guilty, you know, like he did everything for me, and I didn't do anything for him. Then one day it occurred to me... that I did the greatest thing of all for him just before he died: I was there with him, and I held his hand, and I said goodbye. - Daniel LaRusso


The Coveted Golden Unhappy Awards


Ralph Macchio - The I'm going back to the well Award

Pat Morita - The I can speak perfect English but don't award

Yuji Okumoto as Chozen- The Johnny Lawrence Douchebag Award (for douchebagery above and beyond the call of duty)

Danny Kamekona as Sato- Best Growling Speech Award
                  Best Grudge Holding Award

Nobu McCarthy as Yukie (aka Miyagi's lady)- The Over 40 Year Old Virgin Award

B. D. Wong - Best Extra to grow up to join the cast of Law and Order: SVU Award



Box Office-  $115,103,979

4 of 5 Unhappy Faces


Since I cannot fathom attempting 2 more I will sum up my opinions of the final 2 movies.

The Karate Kid Part III

Daniel and Miyagi come home to find out their job and home is being demolished. Daniel's mom is  taking care of Uncle Louie in Newark (he was briefly mentioned in the first movie so it stands to reason they can use this plot device easier than making up a new character). John Kreese is ruined and as he surrenders his last link to karate teaching, the keys to his dojo, he is given a free vacation full of happy ending massages and umbrella laden drinks by the slick millionaire Terry Silver who John Kreese saved during Vietnam and  who wants to pay him back by reestablishing the Cobra Kai dojo's legacy. To do this, he must destroy Daniel and the "slope" Miyagi. One wonders if such racist terms could be used today in the Jaden Smith version. 

     As Daniel moves into his new home, he plans for his and Miyagi's future by investing in some property for a bonsai shop for Mr. Miyagi. Mr. Miyagi accepts the generosity only if Daniel-san is his partner. The comes the looming specter of his tournament win. While Mr. Miyagi is against any further action in the tournament, Daniel is excited to learn that in the upcoming tournament the "defending champion" only has to fight in the final match. This suits Daniel because of his utter inability to do karate. Miyagi believes that Daniel has already proven himself, so there is no need to fight again? Daniel agrees to not enter the tournament and keep his karate training going by learning how to breathe...yep breathe. Secret to all karate is breathing. It's also a secret to life, in case you were wondering.  Because it wouldn't be a Karate Kid Movie without a annoying girl, Pottery Girl from across the street from the shop (played by Robin Lively, half sister of Gossip Girl's Blake Lively) who has a boyfriend but wants to be friends is introduced as a possible platonic friend. I doubt Daniel-san thinks that way. She is relatively unimportant to the story but she has a real annoying voice so she makes an impression.

Meanwhile Terry Silver, after dumping some toxic waste cause he is a bad guy, hires the "Bad Boy of Karate" Mike Barnes to defeat Daniel and to convince Daniel to fight in the tournament. Mike attacks Daniel and destroys all the trees in the shop forcing Daniel to go mountain climbing with the Pottery girl to get the real Bonsai tree that Miyagi put in a safe place. Barnes threatens Daniel again when he cannot refuse and he signs the tournament form, entering himself in the tournament. Mr. Miyagi will not train him and turns his back on him for the first time, leaving Daniel to train by himself. An undercover Terry Silver offers to help Daniel after saving him in a brutal attack from Barnes. They train hard, perverting Miyagi's training, and injuring Daniel, breaking him down so that the already talented Barnes can beat him to  pulp in the finals of the tournament. When Daniel breaks the nose of a guy hitting on Pottery Barn (as good a name as any), he decides to forgo training with Silver. When Silver and John Kreese reveal their plot, and attempt to harm Daniel, Miyagi steps in, beats everyone up and finally agrees to train Daniel for tournament. 

The movie culminates at the tournament, Daniel once again Miyagi's friend and student, and Mike Barnes making quick work of the opponents. Apparently no one in the valley can fight better than Daniel. While the crane kick is not pulled out again, the ending should not surprise anyone. Breathing overcomes pure skill and all is right in the valley again. The Cobra Kai's karate is defeated as it must be and Daniel/Miyagi's karate is reaffirmed. Pottery Barn is somewhere in Ohio getting groiny with her boyfriend and Daniel is single, a champion and ready to mingle. Mike Barnes is no Johnny Lawrence. I highly doubt he learned any respect for Daniel and I wonder if he finds himself on the wrong end of a crane kick in the near future. All this stuff is left to speculation but it seems about the happiest ending one could come up with for them.

        I really can't tell you why I enjoy this movie. It has no real redeeming acting, writing, directing (and was nominated for a Golden Raspberry Award in each of those categories losing only because Star Trek 5: The search for God was just oh so much worse), I cannot say that I didn't enjoy this movie. It was awful and I loved all of it. It was another retelling of the first story with new characters and a slightly more conspiratorial storyline. Bringing back John Kreese and adding Terry Silver makes this film somewhat intriguing for fans of the series. If you can watch The Karate Kid and love it and then see Part 2 and find it slightly less interesting, I think you could watch Part 3 without too much difficulty. You may not love it but it will give you nostalgia for the first film. Which I guess is something worth recommending this film.

Great Quotes


"If karate used defend honor, defend life, karate mean something. If karate used defend plastic metal trophy, karate no mean nothing." - Mr. Miyagi

Daniel Larusso: I know you don't believe in fighting, but tournament karate isn't exactly fighting.
Mr. Miyagi: Not exactly ping-pong, either.

"Waaaa Waaaaaaaaaaaa...Waa...Waaaaaa" Mr. Miyagi mocking Terry Silver

"This is the 80's. Gotta do something about it. Can't be so damn passive." - Daniel LaRusso

The Unbelievable Golden Unhappy Awards


Ralph Macchio - The "I've gone to the well one too many times" Award

Thomas Ian Griffith - The "I'm a Bad guy cause I'm not environmental" Award

Snake - Most Douchebaged delivery of the line "You know it."

Sean Kanan - Bad Boy with the Bad Hair Award



Box Office -  $38,956,288

3.5 out of 5 Unhappy Faces

The Next Karate Kid

The seldom mentioned nadir of Hilary Swank's career, this addition to the franchise find Miyagi going to Boston to see a commendation for his and other Japanese Americans contributions during World War II. While there he meets the wife and young granddaughter (the aforementioned Hilary Swank) of his commanding officer. Seems the million dollar baby's parents were killed in a car accident and she's been acting out at school and at home. Miyagi convinces the Swank's grandma to fly to Los Angeles for a few weeks and see if he can reach her with his ability to pull the best out of people. Julie (Hilary Swank) is a troublemaker and being a girl offers some new challenges such as knocking on doors before entering and bras on the shower. Her school is run by a student run military squad trained by the irrepressible Michael Ironside. Ironside's character apparently when to the John Kreese school of karate and teaches his students to rule with an iron fist. Unfortunately this leads to Julie being harassed as she attempts to nurse her only friend, an injured hawk, back to health. When she is caught in school after hours and suspended, Miyagi takes her to a Buddhist Temple and teaches her to fight. This leads to the classic showdown of student and teacher against the evil gang of violent students. I'll give you 65 silver dollars if you tell me who wins.      

      While many consider this the worst of the franchise, I enjoyed the new blood that Swank infused to the movie. It gave us a break from Daniel's bumbling ways and she carried a grace with the karate that Macchio never had. I loved the original Karate Kid but seeing this carried on the story of the one character you cared about, Mr. Miyagi. While not the best work of Pat Morita's career, the writing was mostly to blame for that. The addition of Buddhist Monks and Michael Ironside filling in for Kreese didn't hold true. You could see this movie coming and the final conflict really offered no surprises. I can't say that I would recommend it to someone who is not me. I am a fan and I am blinded by my own childhood dreams of becoming Daniel-san. I think maybe Hilary Swank may have had a little Daniel-san in her when she took the role. That just sounds dirty.

Classic Quotes


Anyone who lose parent, have much grief. Grief trapped in heart become big anger. - Mr. Miyagi

Mr. Miyagi, come on admit it. We kicked some butt. - Julie Pierce

Julie-san, fighting not good. But if must fight... win. - Mr. Miyagi



The Easily Obtained Golden Unhappy Awards


Ralph Macchio - The "I did not drink from the well again" Award

Hilary Swank - The "How did I agree to this?" Award

Pat Morita - The "Making the best of it" Award

Michael Ironside - Most Obvious Villain Award

Michael Cavalieri - Unbelievable Douchebag with bad Hair Award
              The Johnny Lawrence Douchebag Award (for douchebagery above and beyond the call of duty)


Box Office- $15,826,984

2 of 5 Unhappy Faces

Up Next

Quick Hits: Oscars Part II

Quick Hits - Oscars Part 1

I know I promised to review the movie, The Karate Kid Part II and I promise I will but I figured something out as I sat looking at my blog...it will be really boring if I go movie by movie through the Karate Kid movies without breaking it up a little bit. Without building up some idea of what I really believe the movie business should be doing. I would be a small voice in a big see of opinionated movie gurus selling you a bill of goods without trying to go outside my happy zone of movies I like. I am not a Harvard educated man who has watched Citizen Kane 50 times in my appreciation of film class. I am like you. I am a man who goes to movies and tries to enjoy himself. I see movies I want, movies I think I will like, and use the my best educated guess of what will entertain a guy like me. Sometimes I am right, sometimes I am wrong...either way I don't get paid to go and my opinions are unbiased and real. Hopefully you will enjoy them.

     So I decided on quick hits...short quick pictures of new movies that I have seen that will allow you a quick option to the movies you'll most likely be thinking of paying good money to see. It being Oscar season, I'll start there cause as my friend Teresa is apt to tell me while convincing me to see some stuffy Oscar nominated movie "It's gonna win all the awards."  Every other post, I'll do some of these quick hits (one paragraph or so summarizing my opinion of the film) just so you won't get bored too fast. 

Quick Hits- Oscars Part I

The King's Speech

Colin Firth as King George the Sixth, the stuttering king of England and King Pop to the current Queen Elizabeth. As the title would suggest, the man has a speech to give, several in fact, as he wanders reluctantly onto his path as the future King of England during the second world war. I can't say this movie moved me or made me feel as though it was a must see. It was well acted, the people in the story were well written but the journey was tedious and at times painful to watch. Perhaps that was the point, as the idea of watching a man stutter for two hours. Aside for a few scenes involving the seven words you can't say on television (and since I want this to be a family blog on blog as well) I can't say I get why this is even nominated. Maybe it was just not a movie made for me. Wouldn't be the first one. 

Prediction: Not best picture but perhaps a best actor nod for Colin Firth.

Black Swan

People will tell you that this movie is a tour de force for Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. They are great, especially when going down on one another (there goes the family blog), or when the former takes matters into her own hands. While the sex scenes may be the reason you go into the movie (and let's face it guys it will be the reason you go in) the movie itself is an interesting portrayal of the stresses of life as a star ballerina. I can't say I've ever been to a ballet in my life (nor really wanted to) and yet I was not bored with the dancing scenes or the final sequence of the movie when the production of Swan Lake is performed both on stage and off. I enjoyed this movie because of it's story and not the sex scenes. Natalie Portman earned the Oscar with this performance, both sensuous and disturbing. I'll soon see this movie in my DVD bookcase and that is the ultimate recommendation I can give.

Prediction: Still not the BEST Picture but not one I'd be upset to win. Natalie Portman wins Best Actress.

Inception

Here is what bothers me about Inception. That it was released in July and therefore is automatically discounted because of it's summer blockbuster status. The movie, about going into someones head and planting an idea deep in their subconscious, is ingenious. The use of special effects did not make the movie but made the film richer and added to the story. The story spins (quite literally) on Leonardo DiCaprio's  character who makes a living pulling corporate secrets from people's dreams for bad corporations willing to pay him and his team. It follows him as his team attempts to insert a single thought into a man's mind by going into the man's dream within a dream within a dream. Confused? Probably why the Academy won't honor what I believe was the best picture of the year. See this...rent it...buy it...see it in theaters if available.

SPECIAL UNHAPPY AWARD: Ellen Page...cause she's awesome.

Prediction: Winner for Best Screenplay...not even a protest when it is overlooked for Best Picture.

The Fighter

Also known as The One with the Abs. I loved this movie as well. It tells the story of little known boxer (at least to this non boxing fan) Micky Ward or more importantly his brother Dickie Ecklund. It also shows a family led by a woman, played by soon to be Oscar winning Melissa Leo, who cares more about the money she can earn off of her sons fights than the sons themselves. She overlooks one son's safety and the other's drug abuse until one goes to jail and the other all but abandons her. Mark Wahlberg plays the abs in the movie, fighting his way to victories once his strong girlfriend convinces him to step away from his mother's influence. It really is the best work done by Christian Bale as the drug addicted loudmouth Dickie Ecklund who once tripped Sugar Ray Leonard. An uplifting movie that is based on a true story and features the acting debut of Conan O'Brien's sister. She looks like Conan which makes this movie slightly disturbing.

Prediction: Best Supporting for Melissa Leo and Christian Bale and a dark horse for Best Picture.

The Social Network

The story of how The Facebook became Facebook, the social networking site that let's people meet people they already know. I'll admit to walking into this movie wondering how they were going to tell the story of a guy writing code for hours and becoming a billionaire. Where is the drama in that? Well apparently there was quite a bit of drama involving The Facebook. I enjoyed Jesse Eisenberg as Facebook leader Mark Zuckerberg and his heart is what drives the movie. He is a jerk, a genius, a loser and a lonely guy all mixed into one complicated man. He may have it all but he doesn't have a connection to anyone. It is a fine example of being completely alone even when surrounded by people. 

Prediction: Best Picture and if people don't fall for the stutterer a win for Jesse Eisenberg as Best Actor.

Stay tuned for Part II which will come soon...

The Karate Kid (1984)

      To Start this blog off I am intending on writing about a few movies I've seen one too many times. My first endeavor is to write about my favorite quadrology of films: "The Karate Kid" series. And yes I am intentionally leaving the Jackie Chan 2010 movie off the list. I don't hate it but this blog will only recognize the "Miyagi" Karate Kid movies. 

      I'll begin with the Original...the most awesome...

The Karate Kid

     As Barney Stinson once said "Hey, The Karate Kid is a great movie. It’s the story of a hopeful, young karate enthusiast whose dreams and moxie take him all the way to the All Valley Karate Championship. Of course, sadly he loses in the final round to that nerd kid.  But, he learns an important lesson about gracefully accepting defeat.”
  
     As I heard that I had an epiphamy. Of course the movie is more about Johnny than it is about Daniel. I mean, how does Daniel's character change? He goes from a guy who gets his ass kicked daily to a guy who can probably, if given the time to get into that ridiculous crane technique position, may be able to kick the actual karate kid in the mouth. Then Daniel-san can wash and wax his dirt bike and paint the guys house so he'll like him. Johnny Lawrence learns that this dork actually fought well enough to earn his respect and that his own teachers ways were a path to losing. Daniel is the same at the beginning of the movie as he is at the end except a little less feeble at fighting.
  

  I love this movie and despite it's cheesy and awkward romantic moments, The Karate Kid is a classic of the 1980's. If ever you've come across this movie on TV and not stopped for at least a five minute blast of childhood nostalgia, you have no soul and should be decapitated. Yes, decapitation seems a large penalty for not liking this movie but if you have no soul, should I really take any chances?

     The film opens with a trek across the country in a constantly not starting Brady like station wagon, packed with all the earthly possessions of Daniel and Lucille LaRusso. They land in sunny Los Angeles and a morose Daniel meets his first friend, ummmm the guy with the "Makin Bacon" shirt of two pigs having relations who other than getting Daniel to the beach is pretty much useless to the film. After playing a horrible game of soccer at the beach, a bonfire party leads Daniel to chat up Elizabeth Shue's Ali (of Adventures in Babysitting and being Melrose Place's Andrew Shue's sister  fame) setting the course for the rest of the film. You see, Ali (Elizabeth Shue) is Johnny's ex-girlfriend and while they have hit a rough patch, he's hoping that by shoving her and breaking her radio she'll take him back. Beginning with this fateful night on the beach and his groin swelling affection for Ali, the gang from Cobra Kai beat Daniel 5 ways to Sunday until Mr. Miyagi gets involved and everyone signs up to be a part of the All Valley Tournament. As Ali and Daniel get closer with adventures at "Golf N' Stuff" and Miyagi trains Daniel to wax his car and paint his house, The Cobra Kai learn karate. As Daniel and Miyagi go fishing and catch flies with chopsticks, Johnny learns valuable ways to pull Daniel's still beating heart from his chest. The tournament offers the best music montage of the 80's to Joe Esposito's "You're The Best" and well  I don't want to ruin it for you newbies to The Kid but Daniel's "I don't know what I'm doing" approach to karate really flummoxes  the other combatants.

     The Karate Kid has it's flaws. Like why a kid from New Jersey owns a Dan Fouts era San Diego Chargers jersey? Or why does Daniel's Mom move to California to become a waitress at a Chinese food restaurant? No waitress jobs in New York? They say she's working for a computer company but she's folding napkins at the restaurant across the way from the Cobra Kai dojo...what's that all about? Or why do Ali's parents push the obviously abusive Johnny on Ali while they can see Daniel really has the "I can't believe this girl lets me kiss her" love in his eyes? Daniel not only wouldn't shove Ali or break her radio, he physically couldn't. Or why no one has ever protested the elderly maintenance man beating up high school kids. No flaw is more troubling than how Daniel spends half his time preparing for the tournament while basically being a indentured servant to Mr. Miyagi and the rest training by himself after Mr. Miyagi gets really drunk and passes out for the next two weeks. Or why the mentally challenged guy from L.A. Law spends his weekends drinking on other people's cars and calling Asian people "slopes"?

   
  These flaws aside the point of the movie is that it teaches us all that indeed "Daniel" can beat Goliath. That heart and belief in oneself is as important as skill and strength. Not only those important lessons but the lesson that losing does not make you the lesser competitor  as proven by Johnny's handing Daniel the trophy. After hating Daniel for no other reason than he stood up for the girl Johnny was supposed to be date raping this simple act shows the way that Johnny has grown. Now if only he could ditch his haircut and get a good job. It shows that the "No Mercy" style of the Cobra Kai dojo, embodied by sensei John Kreese, is not the way to succeeding but to douchebagery of epic proportions. Seriously, why do people allow this man to teach their kids to grow into douche bags who beat up on smaller children, shove their girlfriends and throw people off of cliffs? You can see the moment of clarity in Johnny Lawrence's eyes as Sensei Kreese tells him to "Sweep the leg, Johnny." At that moment, Johnny realizes that all he's learned was wrong. As hapless Cobra Kai #3 yells "Get him a body bag! Yeahhhhhh", Johnny learns a valuable lesson and it is my belief that he loses the match right there. It's the only explanation for that ridiculous kick working.

  So is the Karate Kid a great movie? Probably not but I'll tell you that it is a great movie to grow up on. Watching it now, I am thrown back to being a child in my living room, watching Daniel-san learn and  then attempting my own half hearted off balance crane kicks. It helped me to believe that good can triumph over evil and maybe evil can learn something in the end as well. I love this movie and as it ends with Miyagi and Daniel-san victorious in the middle of the mat, Miyagi smiling at his student, I get a little bit of my childhood back. And that alone is worth stopping on TBS or AMC when it is on and reliving a timeless classic. That and a chance to hear "You're the Best" , while attempting full grown adult crane kicks makes watching the original Karate Kid always worth it.

Memorable Quotes:

"Must be take a worm for a walk week!" - Hapless Cobra Kai #3

"Wax on, wax off" - Mr. Miyagi

"Called Crane Technique...if do right, is no defense." - Mr. Miyagi

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" - Lucille LaRusso to Ali's parents.

"Sweep the leg." - Sensei John Kreese

"Get him a body bag! Yeahhhhhhhh" - Hapless Cobra Kai #3



The Prestigious Mr. Unhappy awards go to:

Hapless Cobra Kai #3 - Immortal Line reading of "Get him a body bag!" It is up there with "Rosebud" and "Heeeeere's Johnny."

Johnny Lawrence - for teaching Justin Bieber how to do his hair.

Johnny Lawrence - Biggest Douche in cinema history.

Lucille LaRusso- Most Ineffective Mom award

Mr. Miyagi - for getting hours of physical labor out of a child and claiming it was "karate training."

Mr. Miyagi - for plying Daniel with alcohol while toasting his dead wife and son.

John Kreese- for teaching generations of children to beat their inferiors until they are near crippled.

Ali - For just looking pretty and getting angry all the time.

Daniel-san - The best "taking a beatin" award.

Net Box Office:  $90,815,558

Mr. Unhappy ratings:  4.5 out of 5 Unhappy faces...

Up Next:  

The Karate Kid Part II: Okinawa Style