Paul or How I knew that in some way I loved Simon Pegg

Paul

Paul is a simple movie. There is not a lot to it but when looking at the action in other movies starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, that cannot be surprising. I mean that in a good way. What was Shaun of The Dead but a romantic comedy taking place in the middle of the zombie apocalypse. What was Hot Fuzz but an action buddy movie placed in a boring suburb. There are, of course, layers to these movies and an underlying love of the genres they take on. Add Seth Rogen to the mix and it makes the movie hard to be anything but a hit. How then is this movie missing with audiences?
It begins with a trip to San Diego and Comic-Con with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost as lovable nerds, going through the exhibits trying to meet their idols. Yet all this is just to set the nerd base. Make sure that before they even unlock their RV for a trip to UFO hot spots across our great country, they have already shown to us their love and desire to be a part of a science fiction story. To add a layer to the characters, I don’t think it is too hard to see that these two men share a love of each other that is very hard to see between two heterosexual men.
As they pass through the desert somewhere near Area 51 they witness a car crashing and find the only stoner alien in the history of cinema, Paul. Seth Rogen, for his part, seems to play a version of himself except with his deep stoner laugh rumbling through a chest the size of a preteen boy. Paul is not a complex character but he is in need of a ride to the place where he has phoned home for his alien pals to pick him up. Along the way they are doggedly pursued by a secret government agent played by Jason Bateman and two lesser agents played to subordinate perfection by Bill Hader and Joe Lo Truglio.
I could break down the movie for you and ruin the surprises  for you but I want you to see this movie. It has a charm and fun willingness to throw in little bits of alien movie trivia for the fans of the genre.  I won’t ruin them for you but pay attention to the music in a bar/cafe they enter and to the mysterious power behind Jason Bateman’s Agent Zoil. There are many reasons to like this movie. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are brilliant at creating a good story from a bare bones idea. They keep the movie going and don’t allow it to be bogged down by constant cameos. The cameos are in there but the story supports the characters. They sneak in little pointed asides to the lack of originality in Hollywood and the inability to convince a Christian of anything they truly don’t want to believe.
The cast brings the movie to a different level. Would the movie be effective without them? Who knows? We have Hader and Rogen. We Have Pegg and Frost. Bateman and Wiig. That ugly Matt Damon guy from Friday Night Lights and Jane Lynch from Glee. They all bring a kind of cohesion to the movie and make the moviegoer enjoy their experience and want to stick around to see what happens next. “Paul” is the name of the alien but the movie itself is a collection of talent having fun and not being smug about it. I speak to you Clooney and the Fake Rat Pack. It can be done.
What makes me a fan of Simon Pegg is his ability to be a superstar and still relate to the people he is making movies for. In other movies, the characters of Graham and Clive would be looked down on for their nerdiness. Here they are not looked down on or looked up to. They are simply people who love science fiction and want to see it for themselves. It is hard to find a movie where the two main characters are nerds and not have endless jokes at their inability to get laid or the ability of nerds to fit into trash receptacles with only minimal assistance. Is Paul a great movie? No, not really, but it is worthy of your $10.25 (or whatever your movie ticket price is.)

The Always Honored and Amazingly Prestigious Golden Unhappy Awards 

Kristen Wiig - The “They’re all gonna laugh at you” Religious Nut Award

         The Rootin Tootin F@#%ing Awesome Attempt at Swearing Award

Simon Pegg - The “Hugh Grant” Award for Squirrelly Britishness Award

Jason Bateman - The Straight Man’s Straight Man Award

Jesse Plemmons (Ugly Matt Damon) - The a Little Less Ugly and a Little More Damon Award

Quotes 

Paul: *Why* does everyone always assume that? What am I doing? Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass?
__________________________________________________________________

Ruth Buggs: You bet your hairy love-eggs!
__________________________________________________________________

Paul: [Lighting a joint and takes a hit] Do you guys partake?
Graeme Willy: No. Thank you.
Ruth Buggs: I'll partake.
Paul: Are you sure? It's pretty strong sh*t. I get it from the military. I think this is the stuff that killed Dylan.
Graeme Willy: Bob Dylan's not dead.
Paul: [smiles] Isn't he?
__________________________________________________________________

Adam Shadowchild: [Upon seeing the cover of Clive Gollings' book, which shows an alien woman with 3 breasts] Three t*ts? Awesome.



Mr. Unhappy Sez: Like a pig says when you feed it a good batch of bacon ”I don’t know what this is but I like it.” 
_________________________________________________________________________________

erm admission...

Aliens

       This is the sequel to the hit movie Alien. What's not to love about this series? I don't know but unlike Paul, the aliens are a bit less huggable and a little more deadly. This movie also shows the promise of James Cameron before he made Terminator 2 and none of the smugness of Post Titanic James Cameron. There is a difference and the difference is quality. What makes Aliens great is the humor and wit that exists in it. Sigourney Weaver stars as the heroine Ripley and believe it or not (pardon or don't pardon that pun) she is back on a ship and back finding another Alien or Aliens. One would think that after the first experience she may have had enough of them. Somehow Paul Reiser gets her back on the horse and she is out on an Alien infested world to fight the baddies as only she can. The great Bill Paxton steals the show as a military man with the courage of a guppy. To see a grown man completely lose his mind, bladder and ego, Paxton voices the concerns of the audience. Also to see Ripley, a woman, take the reins of leadership from the frightened male turns what had been conventional movie theater plot is great. By the time Ripley faces the Mother Alien in her battle armor or is it a walking forklift and cry "Get away from her, you bitch!" we as the audience are ready to cry out with Ripley but the lot of us would probably join Bill Paxton on the floor yelling "Game over man, game over!"

The Fifth Element

        I remember when this movie came out I was against seeing it on the general principle that I didn't want to like it. I just didn't want to believe that it would be anything more than a T&A show of Milla Jovovich (which it is in a way) but I couldn't see the story being engaging or even interesting. Flash forward 10 years and my roommate becomes apoplectic when I tell him that I didn't see it and he makes me sit down and watch the movie with him (the same went for Evil Dead 2 I am ashamed to say). Bruce Willis stars as Korben Dallas, a retired soldier driving a cab when the mysterious LeeLoo falls through the roof of his cab. This begins his journey to save the universe from absolute evil. Sounds far fetched and yet when watching the movie you roll with it, which is a sign of a great movie. Bruce Willis creates a character in the vain of John McClane (isn't it always something like McClane) and is of course able to save the world but it may be the one time when knowing that doesn't ruin the movie. A young Chris Tucker rolls through as Ruby Rhod, who broadcasts his popular radio show as the world is saved (best show ever indeed) and Luke Perry attempts to shed his Dylan McKay image (and never really does) as a young archaeologist's assistant. You have to love it, it is not really even an option to hate it.  And if you don't then my name isn't LeeLoo Dallas multi pass.

Up Next:

Quick Hits

Movies on Instant Watch

That Should Be Instantly Watched

Quick Hits - Movies in Theaters...you know it's better than waiting for video

A brief note on the new schedule and new rating system...

I am going to try to add some well needed consistency to this blog. It has been pointed out to me that the “successful” blogs come out with posts on specific days of the week and not when as I have been doing it... whenever the hell I want to sit down and write one. So I am setting a schedule. Monday/Tuesday mornings will be my full length blog on a movie I’ve seen recently, a movie for the Hall of Fame, or a movie I feel the need to warn you away from. Thursday/Friday morning (since I seem to be doing the bulk of my writing in the middle of the night) will be the quick hits night. Quick hits will be new movies in theaters now, new DVD releases or movies you should Netflix or Netflix Instant Watch. Not to mention the occasional “because I feel like it” post about anything that strikes my fancy in the movie going world.

I’ve also had one of those moments that comes along once in a blue moon that makes total sense that I mentally bash myself in the testicles for not thinking of it sooner. When I began my journey on movie loving, I was working at the movie theater and while there I began making little unhappy faces. On the back of these little bits of paper and staples I would write little demented notes from the mysterious Mr. Unhappy. Since I have now taken up the mantle of Mr. Unhappy, I am proud to say that I will now finish the reviews with a little one liner proclaiming either to see this movie or not, in my own sad demented way. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it.

Currently in Theaters

Rango

The voice of Johnny Depp comes from the lizard named Rango who attempts to save the small animal town of dirt from water thieves. This movie is another in a long line of movies getting eerily closer to created an animated human who looks like a human. That they use lizards, turtles and rats in this one makes it slightly creepier. I’ve been very pleased lately with the trend of animated movies to appeal to not only children but parents as well. I mean no offense to Dora the Explorer but as a non pot smoking man, I am not going to watch this show or see a Dora movie if she’s constantly talking down to me. Rango engages the viewer and treats the kids and the adults equally, accepting that children are not stupid and allowing the adults to enjoy the story with their children. Animated films can take a hint from Rango, Toy Story, and movies like them. Great filmmaking is universal and Rango takes a step in the right direction.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: You can lead a lizard to water but if you show him how to find water, you'll find a hero. Not to mention you'll have a hell of a story to tell.

Red Riding Hood

I went into this movie and I was reasonably sure that there was a wolf somewhere a hiding in this movie. Made by Catherine Hardwicke (of “Twilight” fame) Red Riding Hood attempts to retell the story for a new teen audience who need a love triangle or else what’s the points. Amanda Seyfried keeps the movie balance by taking material that is not polished and making a good story out of it. Overall the movie creates the creepy mood that has made the story of red riding hood a classic but seems to miss the whole point of the story. A wolf is prominent in the telling of the story but as I rack my brains I cannot recall once when they spoke of the girl in the red riding cloak any mention of a huge iron elephant that they lock people in to torture them. That seems like the type of grim detail that the Brothers Grimm would have enjoyed putting into the story. The actors are game for this movie and overall I can see what they attempted to do but in the end the movie is more of a period piece about a superstitious town rather than a retelling of a classic fairy tale. Where some great creativity could have gone into the movie, they lose track of the story they are telling. And when the advertise it as "From the Director of Twilight" , maybe they know they did too.

Mr. Unhappy Sez:  I've been to grandma’s house and I don’t know that I need to come back. Grandma seems fine. 

The Lincoln Lawyer

I feel a bit sad that I never read the novel “The Lincoln Lawyer” by Michael Connelly for the simple reason that after seeing the movie, I want more of their world. Good thing the book is still out there to fill in the blanks the movie for time reasons probably had to eliminate. Matthew McConaughey channels his inner lawyer and makes a character where he is in control even as his life spins out of control. Ryan Phillippe is an excellent adversary for the calm McConaugheyMcConaughey practices law from the backseat of a Lincoln. I know what is important to the character and the story the characters unfold in front of me. The first time in a long time that I did not find myself wondering what I would’ve done with the story and instead was entertained by it. This is one of the rare occasions when the movie makes me want to read the book. 

Mr. Unhappy Sez:  Do you need to see this movie? No but it would be a lot cooler if you did. AhHuhHuhHey...I can’t do a good McConaughey but you should see this movie.

Limitless

A struggling writer played with Nicholas Cage in Adaptation like zeal by the face man of Hollywood Bradley Cooper is given a pill that gives him the ability to control 100 percent of his mind. I always though that if that happened we could see the future or move things with our mind. Apparently it allows us to play the stock market and write novels in 4 days. Well that is what Bradley Cooper does with it, making his transformation from schlub to sexy super genius quickly. I liked the idea of the movie and would have enjoyed more scenes of Robert DeNiro’s powerful businessman and the supercharged Bradley Cooper facing off as he shares the screen with the superstar with ease. I’ve not seen many actors who cannot come across as a genuine opponent for DeNiro. He is that great an actor and most of the time they come off as Ben Stiller’s Greg Focker. Trying to earn the approval of the big dog. Cooper plays with DeNiro and makes himself a adversary. The movie does have a back story of where the drug seemed to come from but they never really carry through on any of the story lines. It creates a satisfying movie that I enjoyed but one that left me with more questions than answers. If one could have control of 100 percent of the brain’s ability, I wonder what kind of control the man could have on the world. This story gives us one answer and a truly disturbing scene that made the movie.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: Go for the abs, stay for the story and watch for the gory. 


 

Battle: LA

I was reminded briefly of a great scene from the movie The Way of The Gun in which James Caan is talking to two up and coming kids in the same job as him and he tells them that “The only thing you can tell about a broken down old man in this business is that he is a survivor.” The same can be said of Aaron Eckhart’s Michael Nantz. He is a marine that has served his purpose and is on the way to retirement when aliens attack all the major coastal cities in the world. Los Angeles is one of the few still being held by humanity. The old marine is called into service to the chagrin of his fellow young marines but he is a survivor. I enjoyed this movie and to be honest the alien threat seems like a secondary story than that of the marines and civilians that they are trying to save from the destroyed and abandoned Santa Monica. There are great battle scenes in this movie and the special effects work with the story rather than trying to enhance a sub par story with flashy explosions. There are plenty of explosions and the marines are whittled down from 15 to 5, even though they acquire a Air Force officer played by Michelle Rodriguez with her typical bad ass charm. I used to not enjoy her but here she fits and I’m beginning to see why people become infatuated with her. She has all the beauty and more bad ass than most guys could handle. I can’t say I’d want to be in a argument with her. Battle: LA is a movie in the vain of Independence Day where the aliens come to Earth and find not a easily destroyed people but a group of survivors who are willing to fight and die as long as they take a few of the aliens with them. As the popular battle cry of the film, “Retreat? Hell, we just got here.” I felt the same. 

Mr. Unhappy Sez: When Aliens attack, I want to see these marines coming towards me.

Up Next

Paul

Hall of Fame Induction of Crocodile Dundee 2

I began my hall of fame of film with the review that opened this blog, The Karate Kid. This is the second inductee into that hallowed place. The bust (literally) of Linda Kozlowski is currently being crafted  by mute Tibetan monks from used Kleenex and the remains of a snakeskin jacket bought by a young boy intent on picking up chicks with his Aussie charm to be placed next to the reenactment of the pivotal cran kick scene from the original Karate Kid. I know my choices are not the obvious ones. I’ve seen “Citizen Kane” and I will admit it was a great movie. Not a Mr. Unhappy Hall of Famer. No, to be offered access to the Mr. Unhappy Hall of Fame you have to have made an impact in my life. Some sort of lasting moment that makes me look at the film and see some part of myself. In these induction blogs, I will try to share those moments with you.

Having seen Crocodile Dundee as a child, I was struck dumb by the idea that they had made a sequel. Mick “Crocodile” Dundee had bested the rich fiance of Sue Charlton and won the tough New Yorker’s heart. Not only that but he had shown us the true meaning of the word knife, mastered living in New York using his wily Aussie charm and allowed Sue to nearly be eaten by a crocodile while filling her canteen giving this young boy to have his first sight of the mysterious garment known as a thong.  Where do you go from there? The answer seems obvious now. Drug Cartels and assassination attempts. Adventures in New York and Australia. You better believe it.

The movie starts in Columbia where Sue Charlton’s ex-husband Bob (working covertly for the DEA) is filming the drug operation of Luis Rico. Rico is a slick, drug lord who kills on a whim and lives a life of luxury. In a fit of anger, he kills someone at his drug farm and it is caught on film by Bob. He cannot trust anyone so he sends the film to America and his ex-wife, Sue. Why he does this and why he doesn’t call in the cavalry to help him get out of the country. Not explained...not important. What is important is the one thing that is between Rico’s high flying lifestyle and a prison cell is Sue and by association Mick Dundee. Indeed the character of Bob doesn’t last much past the opening scene.

Sue never receives Bob’s letter. She is kidnapped by Rico and held until Mick brings the letter and the tape to Rico’s stately Manor in Long Island. He is not allowed to call the DEA for help or else Sue will be killed. He is not allowed to call the police or Sue will die. He is being watched and any action not following Rico’s instructions will be considered in violation and Sue will be killed. Mick agrees to the terms and then goes against them pretty much immediately. Gotta love that Rico doesn’t just cut off Sue’s head and Kevin Spacey it to Mick in the middle of the dessert. Perhaps yelling “What’s in the box?!” in an Aussie Accent comes out sounding girly. Anyway, Mick goes his own way with it and enlists his friend “Bad Bad” Leroy Brown (which seems to be just a name...not much Bad about him but his tough guy accent). Leroy uses his “street” skills to find Mick the toughest and whitest gang in New York (which I believe brings the toughness down a bit). Together, they storm the castle and find Sue alive and well. 

The police arrest Rico (he gets out on bail because drug running and kidnapping is not a serious offense in New York) and almost immediately the DEA’s protective custody proves to be as good as they were for Bob and Sue is near killed by a sniper. Conveniently a sniper that misses his target but this is an 80’s movie and if a teenager can save his soldier dad from some middle eastern prison (Iron Eagle), a sniper can miss his shot. Just to be safe, you should enter any movie from the eighties with a grain of salt. After this proof of American protection, Mick decides that while the DEA can offer to protect them until the trial, Mick knows he can protect them but not there. Somewhere he can see them coming. 

Enter Australia and a place where Mick can see them coming. Needless to say, Rico follows (cause the DEA just lets him leave the country when he pleases) and hires some locals to help him hunt down this Mick Dundee. Mick uses his Aussie wiles, trapping the drug runners one by one. Watch closely and you can see a youngish Luis Guzman. Mick plays them against each other and uses the tricks he learned from the aborigines to capture and ultimately kill a few of the “bad guys”. It culminates at Jaba Point where Mick lays a trap for the Rico and his second in command. Sue nearly messes up the whole plan, as does Mick’s hapless best friend Wally. Needless to say, the movie works itself out of the plot holes it wanders into.

Some of the charm of this movie is the totally improbable plot twists. I can’t say that it is well written but not many movies which have a joke based around a toothless monster of a man named Donk, are well written. In fact, the writer of the movie is none other than the Aussie sensation Paul Hogan himself.  Yet through all the massive plot holes and the incompetency of our government agencies to protect us, the wit of the Australians shines through. I can’t tell you to watch this movie over and over again on AMC but I can say that when I stumble across it, my TV sticks around and finishes the movie. I would say it is the best of the 3 Crocodile Dundee movies (although I hear Croc 3 totally holds up). It made me believe that evil can be conquered by loads of drunken Australians and God damn it...that’s worth protecting.

      So I induct Crocodile Dundee 2 into the Mr. Unhappy Hall of Fame. God protect America and if not, can we have the Aussies from Walkabout Creek protect us? From where they can see them coming, of course. I have dibs on Donk.

Potent Quotables

Sue: Do you know where they are?
Mick: Yeah. About 500 yards that way, over that ridge.
Sue: How do you know that?
Mick: Can't you smell it?
Sue: Their sweat?
Mick: Wally's aftershave.



__________________________________________________________________
Walt: Are you really enjoying that?
Diamond: [eating fire-roast bat] Nah - needs garlic.

__________________________________________________________________

Charlie: Tell Mick if he want his clothes back, he can climb down there and get them his bloody self.

__________________________________________________________________

Sue: You're a drug dealer. You're a grubby little parasite.
Rico: You should watch your mouth. It is not wise to annoy me. Bob Tanner annoyed me. So I had his head blown off like that...
[snaps his finger softly]
Sue: You killed Bob?
Rico: And if your Mick screws this up...
[snaps his finger softly]
__________________________________________________________________


Nugget: I've been looking for Walter Reilly. Haven't seen him around, have you?
Denning: You shoulda brought a gun instead of a beer, mate.
Nugget: Nah. I don't need one. I got a Donk.
Denning: Got a what?
Donk: Donk.


Ultra Prestigious Killer Unhappy Awards


Paul Hogan - Double Duty Award for writing and starring
 
      Super Human ability in a snakeskin jacket award
            
                      The Steve Irwin Award for greatness from Down Under


Linda Kozlowski - Pulling off 80’s fashions and still looking hot

     The I have no choice cause I married Crocodile Dundee Award



4.5 Out of 5 Unhappy Faces

Gross Revenue - $239,606,210




Something to check out. Rifftrax new release of their riff on Karate Kid Part III. Watched the trailer and laughed my ass off. Should be worth seeing if you, and by you I mean those not down with the "kid", don't want to see the kid 3 without a valid reason.

Up Next

Quick Hits

In Theaters now...

Adjusting Love...

 The Adjustment Bureau

        What would you do if you were in love with a woman/man and someone told you that they would keep you from them by any means necessary? That not only that they will stop you from being with them but that in fact if you are with them, you will take away their dreams. Would you still be with them? Would you have a choice? These are the questions at the heart of "The Adjustment Bureau", a movie with miles and miles of heart disguised in the form of a science fiction movie.  

       David Norris (Matt Damon) is running for US Senate and after an embarrassing picture costs him the election, he is preparing to concede when he runs into the lovely Elise Sellas (Emily Blunt) and when she kisses him he sees that his entire race was based on being authentic when he most of what he did was designed for him. Even before the Adjustment Bureau comes on the scene, David's life is being controlled by  others rather than his own ideas. As though in rebellion to the life he has and the spirit of this girl he feels connected to David  gives a concession speech which is so polarizing that he is immediately the front runner for the race 4 years later. He is never supposed to see his beautiful savior again. The Adjustment Bureau will do whatever it takes to keep David on his path to success in politics and keep her on her proper path in ballet dancing. They weren't supposed to see each other again but when a Adjuster named Harry (who has been with David for awhile) literally falls asleep on the job, David is on time to catch his bus, runs into Elise again and gets her number. Worse, he arrives at work early and catches the Adjusters in a compromising position "adjusting" his friends.

A word on the Adjusters. There is a plan to all of our lives and to make sure that we don't get in our own way, the adjusters make sure by making small changes which in the end lead us back onto the path. It could be as simple as spilling your coffee on yourself so you miss you bus (as is the case here) or your ex boyfriend calls you when you are falling in love with someone else. Anyway they lead us through life by the plan set forth by The Chairman (and I always thought Frank Sinatra was just a singer). However they try to avoid ripples or massive changes that affect many people. David throws a monkey wrench into their plan and they have to come clean with him, telling him the truth about what they do and who they are and taking Elise's phone number so David has no clue how to contact her.. 

Three years later, when David happens across Elise again, the adjusters cannot stop them from being together. David is in love with Elise and does whatever he can to be with her. Next thing you know, Terrance Stamp (AKA General Zod) is on the scene, allowing him to be with her but showing David the consequences of his actions can ruin his life and hers. Now he tries to stay away from her and the plan gets put back on course. I really enjoyed the playing of one  group against another. The Adjustment Bureau is trying to keep their plan intact and David is trying to be with the woman he loves and the woman who loves him. The movie then brings up the idea of what you would do to be with the person you love when everyone tells you how very wrong you are for each other. 

It also brings up the idea of God and free will. According to the movie, free will is an idea of something that we never really had. That our lives our planned by the mysterious chairman from the moment we are born to the day we die. What I appreciate is that the movie is not hitting you over the head with religious viewpoints. It simply states the way it is in the story and lets you work it out for yourself. I doubt that many people would believe in the view of life shown by The Adjustment Bureau but it is just as viable as any other option given to us. What would make me pause when thinking life is planned is that if we truly have no will, how can we be judged for the actions we end up taking? If someone becomes a rapist or serial killer, he really had no choice. It takes away all personal responsibility. I can't say I like the idea of that and in the film neither can Matt Damon...so he changes it. We are left with a vision of hope for humanity and we end up feeling good about true love which in my view is something we've lost. I don't admit to knowing all there is about love but I am hard pressed to find a reason to doubt in true love. It's nice to see that in cynical times we can still make a movie that points that out.

The Ultra Hip and Smashingly Awesome Golden Unhappy Awards

Emily Blunt - The Unnervingly Attractive award

                        The "I'm a dancer who is not emaciated" Award

                        The Sexy Accent Award

Terrance Stamp - The Kneel Before Zod Award for Best Baddies 

5 out of 5 Unhappy Faces

And some other movies that give me reasons to believe in love....

Love Actually

       An ensemble movie with many different story lines, all of which are perfect in their understanding of their side of love. Hugh Grant as the Prime Minister of England who falls in love with one of his staffers and finds how to be the leader of a world power when faced with a sticky situation with the President of the US. Academy Award Winner Colin Firth as a divorced writer who deals with his pain by writing and making a connection with his maid. A lot of maid stories... An English man who is in love with his best friends wife...a unattractive man who believes the only thing he needs to meet a dream girl is American girls....a couple who meet as body doubles for what appears to be a porn movie... a widowed stepfather trying to raise his wife's son after her death and help him through his first bout with love....a husband attempting to sleep with his secretary....his wife learning her husband is in love with his secretary. All bound up into one gooey love story. It makes me smile every time.

4.5 out of 5 Unhappy Faces

Chasing Amy

          Kevin Smith's opus to his real life insecurity with dating a girl who is far more experienced than he is. In this case Ben Affleck meets a lesbian and falls in love with her only to find out that she loves him too.  Then he becomes so concerned with what she's done with others that it drives him insane. By far the best of Kevin Smith's Jersey Chronicles. I loved the chemistry between Joey Lauren Adams and Ben Affleck. The addition of the always offensive Jason Lee as Affleck's comic book writing partner adds levels of humor and offensiveness to the movie that is the first movie I'd seen that spoke for the gay community. Many people won't see it that way but the idea that love knows no sexuality is one to ponder. I, for one, am heterosexual but to not rule out any eventuality to finding true love means that there is no impediment to love. What if the perfect person for you is someone of the opposite sex? 

5 out of 5 Unhappy Faces

Enchanted

         I thought to finish and round out the movies, I could pick one that did not have a heartbreaking bone in their body. This Disney movie is the best of the best at creating a love story using their princess searching for Prince Charming by proving that the person you are meant to be with is not always the person you need to be with. Amy Adams is so sweet and innocent that you understand why Patrick Dempsey protects her and tries to help her find her prince when she is transported from the land of poison apples and seven dwarfs to New York City. In a choice between having the cartoon version of love she decides quite appropriately to have the real world version of love. A sweet and almost sickening movie that always makes me smile and ache a bit in my heart. Yes I really did just say that.

4.25 out of 5 Unhappy Faces

Up Next

The Unhappy Hall of Famer

Crocodile Dundee II

I am Number not interested...

        

I Am Number 4

          "I am Number 4" begins innocently enough with the death and disintegration of number 3. Why the evil Mogadorians kill the numbered heroes in order is never explained and was only one of the many questions we are left to wonder about as the latest in a long line of movies trying to cash in on their "Could be the next Twilight" appeal. Perhaps the Mogs are just really anal about dealing with their enemies. Perhaps the writer thought it would add tension to know that the hero, John Smith (clever alias) or number 4, was next in line. Luckily for number 4 when the barely known Number 3 dies, his leg bursts into colorful light and he receives a brand that one can only assume symbolizes Number 3 on his leg. He is already saddled with two similar brands, so the only person surprised when his leg starts burning is the girl that Number 4 is currently trying to bang while treading water in the ocean (safety officials should be both appalled and amazed at the stamina). He manages to crawl out of the ocean, (though one wonders if a whole lot of trouble would have been avoided had he drowned), escape his now freaked out friends who were having a bonfire when Number 4 decided to "flame on" and fall asleep on the beach where his handler (played by the always excellent Timothy Olyphant) finds him to tell him that they must move. Wait for the annoying voice over to begin and a short montage later,  they are set up in hiding again in the wonderfully small town of Paradise, Ohio because Number 4's Handler Henri has business there. Armed with his John Smith identity,  Number 4 begins school as the new guy, again.

             His first day he meets Diana Agron (cheerleader Quinn Fabray from TV's Glee) and is fascinated by her rebelliousness to take a picture of a teacher picking his nose.  She too is drawn to John and she snaps a few pictures of John for her image blog "Strangers in Paradise" (very clever...I see what your doing and I like it you blond minx). Unluckily for John,  his magic powers start to manifest. His hands begin to shoot out blue light like he masturbated a fluorescent light and he can magnetically attract things...like cars. Leap tall waterfalls in a single bound, throw a football real hard and throw moronic football players 30 feet into trees when attacked. Pretty much if you watch the trailer, you've seen what he can do. Coincidentally, if you've seen the movie trailer you have seen all of the interesting scenes. While the movie attempts to create a connection between Number 4 and Diana Agron's Sarah, the reasons behind their fascination with each other is pawned off with a lame "John, our people only fall in love once" line. That brings up the awkward question of what happens if the woman he falls in love with is taken or doesn't like him. To tell you the truth, I'd rather be rejected over and over by women than have one shot to make it right. 
                 John's life is a constant effort to avoid showing his real powers to the people around him which is really hard to do when his hands start flashing light in class and he has to cower in a janitor's closet until Henri comes to find him. It is made harder when  John falls in love with Sarah with all the subtlety of a stalker but don't worry she has one of those too. The obligatory douchebag from the soccer/football/baseball/whatever team at school is a little too interested in Sarah and really interested in keeping all other suitors away from her. He threatens John, puts explosive paint packets in his and  the Columbine kid of the future Sam, (whose Dad seems to know an awful lot about the Number kids and the Mogs...or did until he was kidnapped/ran away...again never really explained) and constantly tries to sexually harass Sarah into liking him. He goes so far to enlist his teammates to beat up John, kidnap Sarah and drag her into the woods, and then basically tries to date rape her before John shows up and breaks his arm with his new powers.  Who gets away with kidnapping and assault? Well his father is the sheriff and somehow the school looks the other way. Throughout the movie, he becomes an ally to John though again, the jump from enemy to friend is made really quickly.

               The inter cutting of shots of a mysterious blond girl (who if you have seen the trailer is Number 6...which makes me wonder what happened to Number 5) blowing up John's old house while a heavy metal score rocks you out of your seat and sitting in a field of huge satellite dishes while apparently tracking down the elusive Henri and Number 4. The Mogradorans too begin to track John down, no real way of knowing how but they must have magic Mog powers of tracking. Maybe they use their gills to sniff his teen angst out. The whole movie hinges on the final fight scene when Number 4 must fulfill his destiny (with help by Sarah, Sam and Number 6) to defeat the Mogs attack party and blow up most of the school in the process. Can he do it?  Will the MogsMogs want to kill the Numbered kids? Why does Sarah find John fascinating and why does date rape douchebag keep attacking this guy so as to force a girl to date him? One would believe he probably has other options for dates. Is Sarah the best girl for him? Does he just get off on being hated and loathed by girls he wants to be with?

                I was amazed to learn that the writers of the screenplay were none other than Miles Millar and Alfred Gough who are the creators of the superb CW show Smallville but upon further reflection I can say that  if this movie had taken place on the CW, I would have found it slightly more interesting. Having a entire season to work on the backstory and develop the characters would have made for an interesting story but they tried to force a season of television into a 2 hour movie. They could have set up John's powers as levels throughout his own growth, the looming doom of the Mogs forcing him to have to use his powers to help the people of the small Ohio town in which he lives. If Miles Millar and Alfred Gough had used the example of Smallville to create a TV show around a super powered alien kid instead of trying to cash in at the Twilight bank of quick hitting music videos replacing story, the overall impact of this movie may have been greater. I see a show like Roswell that could have been made from this story and am instead left with a feeling of underwhelming mediocrity. The movie sets up for a sequel and yet makes me not want to see it. Sometimes, a TV show is a much more effective medium for this type of storytelling.  Are we the short attention span they think we are or can we watch a movie and understand complex story with backstory and characters that seem real? God I hope so.

The Super Prestigious Golden Unhappy Awards

Timothy Olyphant - The Polish the Turd Award- for making the best of such small offerings.

Diana Agron - The Riding her Glee Fame for all it's worth award

2.5 of 5 Unhappy Faces

And now some other movies that missed the target...

Wicker Man (2006)

                  The story of a cop come to an island to find a missing girl, the original Wicker Man was subtle and terrifying. You followed the mystery and wanted to learn what happened to the girl. This American version takes all the truly creepy experiences of the first film and makes you long for the only scene worth a damn when Nicholas Cage (wearing a bear suit) punches a woman in the face. I actually fell asleep watching this movie, a feat only accomplished by Star Trek VI : The Undiscovered Country and it made me feel as though I were being pranked by Mr. Cage. You are a good actor sir! Stop taking part in such horrible movies.

1 of 5 Unhappy Faces

The Lost Boys 2: The Tribe

                   The Lost Boys was a classic of my childhood. I could and probably will spend an entire blog entry writing about the glory of that movie. The Lost Boys II : The Tribe...not so much. I can't even tell you how bad it was. First off, it just lacked a interesting through story. It was similar to the original in that a brother and sister move to Luna Bay (um I believe it is supposed to be Santa Clarita) and find quite by accident that there is a group of vampires about. They fight them. They bring back half of the dynamic duo that was the Frog Brothers and then Feldman even kind of messes up that.  The head vampire is played by the half brother of Keifer Sutherland which probably seemed like such a good idea at the time. Sadly it doesn't work. The movie tries to recapture the imagination and wit of the first movie and the lame inclusion of Cory Haim's Sam at the end of the movie seems tacky and forced...I guess the same could be said for the movie. Tacky and forced. They even redo the great opening title song from the original...and mess it up. An abortion of a movie. Sadly.

Golden Unhappy Awards for Excellence in Crappiness

Autumn Reeser - For just being her perfect self in a God awful movie

1.5 out of 5 Unhappy Faces

Dead Girl

                  I can't even begin to describe this movie and hope to maintain a PG-13 rating to this blog. It brings the subject of rape and necrophilia out into the open. It is a movie about two teens who while exploring a factory, find a living dead girl. One of them becomes obsessed with her and has sex with her, then sells the dead girl to his friends...okay you see what I mean. The other kid is rightfully and sickly horrified by the idea of the girl and wants to call the cops but he is held in place by the other less stable friend. I can't really blame him, that kid is nuts. I recently saw this advertised on the Chiller channel on my father's Direct TV. It is most likely edited and therefore much more bearable to watch. I remember watching this on my Instant Watch from Netflix and wondering "What about this movie made you think it would be interesting?" It is something I need to ponder and wonder about. I am culpable for having seen this movie and by all means if this floats your boat, feel free to see it. I'd rather spend the time pondering my disgusting taste in movie watching at 3 am.

1 out of 5 Unhappy Faces

Land of The Lost

                Will Ferrell is usually golden. He has a penchant for choosing movies that work with his style of humor and his ability to create humor where none actually is. Except here. While I applaud the effort to recreate the camp and unintentional humor of the TV show, the movie feels hollow and boring. The lovable Anna Friel deserves better. I'd recommend seeing the show Pushing Daisies if you want to see her in something good. The girl of the pie maker's dreams (you'll get that if you watch the show) is used simply as an attractive girl who will fall under the spell of Will Ferrell and provide some spark. The campy special effects of the TV show are redone with more modern CGI effects and Chaka seems far too realistic. I wanted plastic dinosaurs and sad pathetic mini-Chewbacca from the TV show and instead was hit over the head with the marvels of modern filmmaking. Just a mistake. The best part of this movie was the 8 hour marathon of the original series SyFy channel put on in the days leading up to the release. I suggest when you attempt to recreate something that was campy fun, you try to live up to the camp of the original. It was like watching a remake of Beverly Hills 90210 without the sideburns or the Peach Pit. Oh wait.

2.5 out of 5 Unhappy Faces

Observe and Report

          This movie was one that when the trailers came out opposite Paul Blart: Mall Cop, I thought this would be the better of the two movies. Yet when watching this black comedy, I found myself with a big ol case of numb ass. That is a sign of a bad movie and upon reflection this was. Did it have moments when I laughed out loud? Yes it did. Does that mean that when I see it is on HBO that I want to watch it? No it does not. The story of a mall cop who aspires to be a cop and lusts after a hot girl he cannot hope to have seems intriguing but it becomes way too serious when dealing with the psychosis Seth Rogen's Rent-A-Cop has and makes you feel awkward laughing about it. When I left this movie I had a smile on my face but that did not make it worth seeing again. Watching Paul Blart : Mall Cop on TV months later I was furious that I wasted my time seeing this movie. It was sad, pathetic and hard to stomach at parts. Still a solid movie but nowhere near the fun and heart of Paul Blart.

2 out of 5 Unhappy Faces 

Up Next :  The Adjustment Bureau

How to survive horror movies... and have fun doing it.

             

           When I was 8 years old my brother and I sat down in his room to watch a airing of Wes Craven's "A Nightmare on Elm Street". It is the first memory I have of watching a scary movie, and it blew my 8 year old mind. I didn't want to sleep for a week. Shortly there after, I saw Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho" and I didn't shower until my 12th birthday and even then I kept a keen eye on the door. Norman Bates was not gonna get my ass. Yet it was the watching of Nightmare that made me enjoy watching horror movies. It had little to do with the plot line which while effective, was limited to my being asleep and seeing as how I wasn't gonna sleep ever again, I had little issue with Mr. Kruger. What made me love horror films was my father. He allowed me to watch this movie with my older brother (perhaps to his chagrin) and at the end of it, he came into the room with steak knives taped to his fingers dressed in his yellow rain slicker and a grey fedora. It scared both me and my brother, and I think it was probably the purest scare of my life.

        I've been going to horror movies at a movie theater since I was old enough to do so without my parent. In many instances I can be found laughing, slumped down in my chair, and plugging my ears with my fingers to avoid being scared by the obvious slam in music as the killer flies out of a closet to pin someone unknowing heroine against the wall with a large butcher knife. I love them all. From the slasher genre of Halloween, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on elm Street to the psychological horror of the Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity to even the torture horror of The Strangers, Hostel, and Cabin Fever. Some movies follow the simple gross out approach (Cabin Fever) while some try to a psychological horror (Audition, The Grudge, Paranormal Activity) and others prey on the fear of a serial killer who cannot be stopped and will get you no matter where you hide (Nightmare, Friday, Halloween).

                So I have with my experience found a way to enjoy these movies while being scared. I will now share these simple things with you.

1. Sit in the back of the theater.

This is really important, you don't want to be stuck in the front of the theater if the movie is too much for you and you need to run screaming/crying/vomiting/laughing from the theater. Also you can watch the crowd, the experience of horror movies is made by the shared fear you have with the people around you. If you can't sit in the last row, look as far back center you can. It also provides you with a way to sit low and cover your ears if like me, you don't need someone to cat screech/piano slam the crap out of you. Also unlike normal movies, you want people to sit in front of you. That way you can see their reactions and they cannot see yours. If someone does happen to spin their head around Linda Blair style and catch you looking scared, I think you have a reason to fear. I might even suggest getting the hell out of the theater which will be made easier by...SITTING IN THE BACK OF THE THEATER.

2. Go opening weekend.

As I said in the above rule, the best part of the horror movie experience is sharing it with people. That's why you want to bring your girlfriend/significant other with you so that when the scary gets going, the clutching gets happening. The same is true of watching other people react to the show. Most horror movies do not last with big crowds through the first weekend. Especially if you are seeing the latest in a well known series. Jason, Freddy and Mikey may bring some people for the first weekend if the movie is marketed correctly but if the movie is stale the only crowd you'll get in week two is the die hard fans of the movies who want to dissect the movie. God knows I do not need to listen to how Rob Zombie's Michael Myers is distorting the original message of Michael being an agent of the cult of Thorn by making him simply a psychopath. The man survived a shot to the face by the girl in the first movie...he is not SIMPLY anything. He's an unstoppable force.

3. Find the bitch.

This is perhaps the most key. As you sit in your back row seat and scan the opening day crowd look for groups of teen girls who snuck in after buying tickets to some child movie. Look for the person who before the movie is started is clutching their significant other as though scared for their life. These people are the bitches of the film. When the scary starts flying, they start screaming. Seeing the fear in someone else can both heighten your own fear and alleviate your own fears by allowing you to laugh. As in the asshole equation, if you cannot find the bitch...look down at the armrest of the chair your sitting in and most likely you are gripping it like a virgin going down in a plane crash. I have been the bitch in the theater. Once you know that about yourself, you can relax a little more, let go of the stranger sitting next to you despite readily available seats, and play up your bitchness to make it more enjoyable for everyone else. Also, when you begin to play up your bitchness, you become less of the bitch and will probably enjoy it more.

4. Enjoy the movie. 

5. When the movie ends, listen for the following phrase: "That wasn't scary....right?"

If you are sitting in the theater, your purse/jacket clutched to your breast listen for that phrase. It means that you were not the only one who was afraid. Some people like to convince themselves that the movie is not scary. This in fact proves that the movie was scary and therefore your fears were completely justified and the walk to your car will not be as lonesome as others will be looking behind them for some killer to emerge from the fog and try to kill you. Enjoy your film, keep your mace handy and enjoy the ride home only to sit in your car and wonder if the killer could get you before you get your shaking keys (because surely it is not your hand that is shaking....stupid keys) into the keyhole and run to your bedroom to hide under the covers. If other people share your fear, I can bet that your grip on your mace will be a little looser,  your drive home a little faster and your hand a little less shaky.

Now if you are like me and like to watch horror movies alone or anytime you have your love over to your house, you know the great ones to see.  Here are a few less obvious titles to check out.

Halloween 2 

The original is nostalgic for me but the more effective movie to me is the second movie. Michael Myers stalking patients, doctors and nurses at the Haddonfield General Hospital creates fear in place you are supposed to feel safe. Not to mention the use of the 50's song "Mr. Sandman" is creepy and amazing. It sets a tone for the film that is unexpected and strangely ominous. Of all the Halloween movies other than the original, I'd say this offers the most scares. It also marks the last appearance of Jamie Lee Curtis in the Halloween series for 20 years.  

Golden Unhappy Awards

Jamie Lee Curtis - Original Scream Queen Award

5.1 out of 5 Unhappy Faces

The Strangers 

A roaming pack of serial killers in clown masks or potato sacks torturing a girl and her boyfriend for a night before killing them. Why? Why would they do that? Because you were home. This is the kind of psychological and scary movies because well you are home a lot, aren't you? God knows I am and the thought of these happy people knocking on my window and breaking into my apartment to play with my insides freaks me the hell out. Watch this movie alone in a dark house and you'll feel someone watching you. It is truly a scary psychological movie that works on so many levels.

5 out of 5 Unhappy Faces

Hostel 2

I don't know about you but I found "Hostel" to be a pedestrian walk through a club of people who kill people for fun and profit. The original offered no thrills, very little awkward scared moments and really didn't make me want to root for the "good" guy.  "Hostel 2", on the other hand, offers you a look behind the curtain of the club to see some of the truly perverse ways people kill one another. The Elizabeth Bathory scene with the girl from "Welcome to the Dollhouse" (another scary movie for many different reasons) is worth the price of a rental. Hell it is probably (like most of these movies) available on Netflix Instant Watch. I would say, even if you haven't seen the original, that "Hostel 2" offers more blood, more violence and more sheer fun than the original.

4 of 5 Unhappy Faces

Friday the 13th Part 3 

A classic in the genre of slasher movies which established Jason wearing a hockey mask for the first time. Old Potato sack head, dons the mask and a legend in modern horror is born. Would there have been a Part 4 if not for the hockey mask. Thankfully we don't have to know. This genius opus was originally intended to be a 3D movie, the DVD version offers it only in 2D making the incessant shots of things flying at the screen. From machetes to some poor guys eyeball. And who knew that if you squeezed a man's head so hard that his eye popped out of their head, you would find it attached to a wire spring....awesome. It may have been more terrifying in 3D but nowhere near as fun. This is not a serious scare movie, just the beginning of when people stopped being scared and started chuckling at the horror conventions in the Friday the 13th series. Not to mention it is the pioneer in the lazy killer movie where the killer just hangs out in a barn and waits for the people to come to him.

2.75  of  5 Unhappy Faces - if I'm being honest.
4.5  of 5 Unhappy Faces - if I want to have fun with it.

Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 or  H2

Rob Zombie's Halloween series is much maligned and wrongly so. He took a movie series that was stagnant and added new layers to a character that had ceased to be scary and made us fear "the night HE came home" again. Again I find "H2" is the scarier of the 2 movies. It does not rehash the same story from the original #2 but creates a whole new world in which Michael dies and Laurie is driven to madness as her friends are killed leading to her picking up Michael's mantle and becoming him after he is killed. A genius premise and to watch Scout Taylor-Compton's descent as Laurie Strode into madness makes you smile and enjoy all the slashery goodness. Also some great performances from Malcolm McDowell as Dr. Loomis, Brad Dourif (Wormtongue himself) as Sheriff Brackett whose daughter is a victim of Laurie Strode's big brother to finish the mess he left in the first film, and Taylor Mane as Michael for emoting under a mask, creating a troubled character with layers the original series never thought to add. 

Golden Unhappy Award

Scout Taylor-Compton - Fresh Face of Horror Award
                                                  Jamie Lee Curtis Memorial Scream Queen Award


Malcolm McDowell- Fresh Take on a Iconic Character Award
                                           
Weird Al Yankovic - Random Cameo Award

5 Unhappy Faces out of 5

Paranormal Entity

The lower budget (how much lower budget can you get from Paranormal Activity?) rip-off/homage to Paranormal Activity has even more blood, gore, and the great Erin Marie Hogan (no relation to Hulk) as the haunted sister in a family of people being harassed by a demonic presence. Plus unlike Activity, Entity at least unleashes the breasts of the heroine. The movie follows most of the Paranormal Activity stye but adds new scares and to me more effective character development.  This movie alerted me to Erin Marie Hogan, who is a refreshing new face in acting. I hope we see her more and she recently did an ad for Conan playing  a stripper. I do think she has more to offer than just a body because she penetrates the screen better than most. You root for her and want to save her. Like Jamie Lee before her, a new scream queen for our generation. Check it out...

Golden Unhappy Awards

Erin Marie Hogan - NEW Scream Queen Award

                                       Fresh Face of Horror Award

4 Unhappy Faces out of 5 

These are all movies any fan of horror should see (in the cases of Halloween 2 and Friday the 13th Part 3 movies you should already have seen them). All of them have their bad moments but in the end watching horror movies should be more fun than scary. So grab some popcorn, snuggle in with your girlfriend, boyfriend, or favorite pet and enjoy the cheesy camp and genuine scares in horror movies. Sometimes it is nice to have a reason to snuggle a bit closer and hold each other a little longer.  

Up Next

I am Number 4 

  (although I really smell like number 2) 

and other bad movies