Why I am over Cowboys and Aliens

Plastering a movie trailer and posters and commercials all over the airwaves is nothing new. So when the summer comes and the temperatures start to rise, the movies become bigger, faster, air-conditionered. It began, as far as I can remember, with Batman and then Titanic began the process of showing 10 minutes of the movie in the trailer and therefore ruining the story (which in the case of the Titanic involved the shocking ending). I have more or less moved on and have since given up not knowing what is going to happen in movies. It just isn’t worth the effort to avoid the endless commercials and 20 minutes of trailers at the beginning of every movie make repeat customers of a lot of movie trailers. So someone like me who sees a inordinate amount of movies, it becomes a problem fast if say you start running a trailer 1 year out from the release of the movie and begin a media blitz 6 months from release.

Enter this year’s dead horse staggering to finish being beaten by the time of release (and not in a happy ending type way): Cowboys and Aliens. 

This movie begins on Friday but why do I have this eerie sense that the movie is pretty much gonna suck and be comprised of all the good moments that have been making the rounds on every TV station they can bribe into adding a special look into? WWE Monday Night Raw presents a special look at Cowboys and Aliens. Deadliest Catch now gives you a special advance look at Cowboys and Aliens. Martha Stewart Living builds a diorama of the scene where Daniel Craig uses his wrist guard to blast an alien ship out of the sky and then offers you a look at the new trailer, same as the old trailer except a tantalizing look at the naked shoulders of 13 from House (seriously what is her name?). ICarly offers you a special look at the stars of ICarly playing the characters from Cowboys and Aliens. And on and on. Seriously, I don’t even really want to see this movie anymore.

I have many reasons...

1. Over Saturation

From the makers of Iron Man comes this summers new not Iron Man. With the star of Star Wars and Indiana Jones, you get Not Han Solo or Indian Jones. I have not had a commercial break recently that hasn’t offered me some sort of special report on why Cowboys and Aliens will be this summers Dark Knight. Yet here is what made the Dark Knight so great. You didn’t know exactly what was gonna happen before it happened. You only had a few glimpses of what would be the best performance of Heath Ledger’s short life (although give credit where credit is due 10 Things I Hate About You was probably a close second). The story was kept under wraps and by the time the movie hit, people were so frothed up and wanting that whatever the movie delivered was gonna be epic. With Cowboys and Aliens, the only two things that can be delivered is that this movie is as good as the trailer/first look/dioramas and the Domino’s special Cowboy’s and Aliens Collector Pizza Boxes. I could be wrong but isn’t it more likely to disappoint than leave us in awe.

2. Harrison Ford

I know it is near blasphemy to disparage the man who may or may not have shot first. The man with the fedora an whip is a near icon in this industry but I dare to say that he and Al Pacino share a rather embarrassing honor. They haven’t made a respectable movie for about 10 years. Morning Glory, Extreme Measures, Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull, Firewall, Water to Wine, K-19: The Widowmaker, Hollywood Homicide(yeesh), What Lies Beneath, Random Hearts, and Six Days and Seven Nights. All these movies span back to Air Force One which to consider it a good movie is arguable at best in most circles. At this point, Han Solo’s bad ass nature is more past than present in the man’s work today. Although The Crystal Skull is probably more Shia LeBeouf’s fault than Harrison’s but can you really say it was good? I don’t mean to bash Harrison Ford’s acting but after 10 years of picking bad roles isn’t this movie more likely to be to Harrison Ford what Snakes on a Plane was to Samuel L. Jackson? A lukewarm entertainment spectacle.

3. A Iron Man Legacy

The most talked about thing other than Steven Speilberg’s thumbs up is “From the Director of Iron Man”. John Favreau made Iron Man a good movie not a great movie and Iron Man 2 was still only slightly better than say Thor. I liked Iron Man but the only thing John Favreau did was cast the movie well. He didn’t make the movie better by punching up the script or having amazing shots or an ability to tell a story through the screen. He did a competent job of not getting in the way of Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, and The Dude. Yes, I like John Favreau but face it since Swingers he hasn’t been able to kill the bunny. He’s been the PG-13 guy who you really hope gets the girl. Suffice to say, toting that the director of Iron Man as though it means something, is a bad sign that with Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford, he still is just batting the bunny around.

*To those who don’t understand, watch Swingers*

4. 13 From House

What has she done? Tron: Legacy (a passable movie) and a few movies which honestly I can’t remember because I was probably too focused on other parts of her than the movie. She’s the new Megan Fox (sorry Rosie from Transformers 3) with a better body and better set of acting chops. Yes, I find her hot. Yes, I want to see her naughty bits. So why see your movie? Well she shows her naked shoulders and gives you a tease of her being naked. Yet I’m probably gonna be dry humped and left with a shot of Harrison’s ass and those sweet tanned shoulders they’ve already shown me. Something gives me a Jonah Hex vibe and believe me, that’s not a good thing.

So to finish, am I gonna see it? Yes, I will probably be in the theater, hoping that my worst fears are not realized only to be left with nothing to show for my $10.75 except a flimsy ticket stub and sharp pain in my ass where they bent me over and raped me. Yes, this is a harsh criticism but between Cowboys and Aliens and Crazy Stupid Love, I’d rather see the Goslinator and crew teach me about love.

Of course that is just my opinion... I’m sure it will make 150 million dollars. At least it isn’t in 3-D...

Quick Hits: Out Now

Horrible Bosses

Throw Momma From the Train meets Office Space and Swimming With Sharks. Kevin Spacey rocks this performance as though he’s played it before... oh wait. Yet the best part is watching Charlie Day, Jason Sudeikis and Jason Bateman attempt to rationalize killing their bosses. It taps into something that anyone can relate to, hating your boss and gives you little psychopaths the chance to fulfill your murderous desires. 

Mr. Unhappy Sez: Enjoy the humor and plot your own bosses demise... but I’m still trying to figure out what Charlie Day’s character was upset about. Damnit Jennifer Aniston is trying to have sex with me! 

Friends With Benefits

This movie flaunts itself as a change of pace on the romantic comedy. Yes the two main leads have sex before that infinite first kiss but this movie follows the formula as much as any RomCom. I liked seeing Mila Kunis is various states of undress and the situations the movie presents are funny. The heart of the movie comes from the places where you see inside the lives of the characters through their family lives and you begin to wonder how you could expect to be normal after surviving their respective family problems. What this movie says best is that if you stop trying to ruin it, love can make a lot of problems seem less substantial than they really are. I wish my last girlfriend knew that.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: Worth the price of admission but loses serious credibility for using that damn “Hey, Soul Sister” song.

Captain America

The movie tells a great story about a bunch of characters that we now love but will never see again. Set in 1945 Europe the rise of the first Avenger, Captain America is a rousing tale and let’s Hugo Weaving fall back into his maniacal bad guy with a purpose. He hasn’t been this evil since he uttered the words “Mr. Anderson”. Captain America makes a positive addition to superhero movies as a whole and after Thor and Green Lantern, we needed it. Again, 3-D is probably not necessary so save those extra couple of dollars and see a good movie instead of a ok experience.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: Do you like superheroes? Captain America doesn’t disappoint. Are you not into superheroes? Captain America doesn’t disappoint.  

And for the record I know this is Olivia Wilde...

but she'll always be 13 to me... that sounded dirty.

Harry Pottheads UNITE!

     When I was 22, I was working at movie theater. It was probably the best job I had if not the most profitable. The best part (when I started) was that it came with free movie tickets and by 2001 I had moved to the position of Assistant Manager which gave me a perk I could never have imagined. I was actually paid (overtime) for watching the new movies before they came out. God what a dream job Roger Ebert or other paid movie critics have. The only problem was that sometimes you were stuck watching a Princess Diaries or a  Dragon-ball Z live action movie. So when Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone came out, I was less than enthused to sit and watch the 2 hour plus movie but that was the sacrifice I was willing to make for 15 dollars an hour.

But the movie was good. I found myself investing in Harry, Ron and Hermione (a name I had never heard before) and wondering what the books must be like. So when the movie ended at 2:30 in the morning, I closed everything down and went online and ordered the first 4 books. Soon, I was delving into the stories coming out of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with the kind of zeal a 22 year old should not have for a kid’s book. Yet Harry Potter was more than that and by the time Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets had come out, I was ready and new these characters well. I enjoyed the performances of Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson, who embodied those characters in ways that were familiar and different from those in the books. Therefore each film gave me new things to love about the world and characters I had become friends with in the books.

So with the films coming to an end I thought I would look back on each of the films and give you a thought or two.

Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone

The first and probably the worst of the movies. Daniel Radcliffe and the gang were not really actors so you have to forgive them for not really moving the story along. Not to mention that this is the origin story and most if not all origin movies suffer  from having to explain the world to the viewer. This movie did it better than most and brought people like me to the books who could explain it better and more organically. My only complaint is the oh so gay moment when Harry wakes on Christmas Day and runs to the common room to say “Happy Christmas Ron.” Other than that, the element of danger presented to these kids keeps you engaged and wondering how someone who knows very little magic can complete the adventures they find themselves thrust into. As someone who hasn’t read the books, I was genuinely surprised by the final battle and it thrust me into reading the books which is really what a good movie made from a book should do as well as create a great retelling for the excited fans of the series. 

Mr. Unhappy sez:  For fueling my Potter lovin... I give Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone 4 wands out of five.

Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets

The kids are a little bit older and the film is a little bit darker. Yet even as you watched this movie, the children had grown as actors, Bonnie Wright as Ginny Weasley is introduced and put immediately in peril, and while still a kid’s movie, the series is setting the tone for the stories still to come. Chris Columbus weaves the tale of Harry’s second year with the same level of story he used in the first; slightly immature and grounded in a world where none of the main characters are ever in any real danger. What marks this movie is the untimely passing of Richard Harris who played ultimate wizard Dumbledore. While Michael Gambon was great as Harry’s ultimate teacher and mentor, Harris set the groundwork and his Dumbledore is the closest of any character in the movies to the character in my head. He is my Dumbledore.

Mr. Unhappy sez:  Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets receives 3 out of 5 wands just because it was no better or worse than the first movie but lacked the freshness of the first. Still a great movie but a little like day old bread. ez:

Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban

The series comes out of the kid movie closet and gets a little darker. Chris Columbus, having set the groundwork, stepped away to allow Alfonso Cuaron to handle the directing. Radcliffe, Grint and Watson grow up immensely in this movie and the beauty that Emma Watson would grow into was first glimpsed here. Adding to the cast with the best bad guy ever Gary Oldman as Sirius Black, the movie condensed the book in under 2 hours. This left me wanting as the book was my favorite of the series so far. I think this was the only movie in the series that I exited unfulfilled. I liked the movie and enjoyed the story but the ending seemed rushed in a way that it wasn’t in the book. 

And despite that... 

Mr. Unhappy Sez: I give this 4 out of 5 wands because it broke the monotony of the first two movies and allowed the kids to become actors rather than kids who looked like the characters. See Emma Watson in HP1 and then see her in HP 3. My little Hermione is all growns up.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

The movie responsible for all those Team Edward girls sighs and all the Team Jacob hissing. Robert Pattinson makes his first appearance in a movie actually seen by the American public. He also marks the first person to die in a Harry Potter movie (don’t worry, his hair was only briefly in danger. As in the book, the world is expanded to show the wizarding world outside of England. Some storylines were jettisoned in favor of timeliness and the desire to focus the story to Harry himself. Ralph Fienes first appearance as Voldemort presents actual danger to characters we love and gives the film a sense of impending doom. You knew by the end of this film that no one was safe. While I doubted that Harry himself would die, the rest of the cast was suddenly cast into a place where they could be disposed of at any moment. Also the addition of Brendan Gleason as Professor Moody gave us a character who was both scary and the one person you’d want on your side in a fight.

Mr. Unhappy sez: The Goblet of Fire accomplishes killing R-Patz for all the Team Jacob ladies and delivers a great movie. 4.5 Out of 5 wands.

Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix

Dealing with death, paranoia and the cost of fame, The Order of the Phoenix squarely puts Harry in the hands of adults that cannot and do not want to protect him. The pink and bubbly Delores Umbridge comes to Hogwarts and steals Dumbledore’s job out from under him and makes the great wizard a fugitive. Harry’s safety net is gone, so he has to stand on his own two feet as does Daniel Radcliffe who performs admirably. It marks the first inkling of sexuality into the films as Harry struggles with his feelings for Cho Chang (R-Patz’s girlfriend in Goblet) and leads to Harry’s first kiss. The movie is chaste (only a few snogs, as they call kisses) but treat the changing teenagers go through with better than most teen movies. One of the best features of these films is watching as the kids grow into adults, mirrors the audiences growth with them. This movie is, by me, most fondly remembered as the movie in which we see Dumbledore be the baddest wizard on the planet. When Voldemort tries to kill Harry for the umpteenth time, Dumbledore steps up and takes on the dark lord. For an old ass man, the guy can throw his magic.

Mr. Unhappy sez: The loss of Gary Oldman to the series makes me tear up a little to this day... but it gets 4.75 Out of 5 stars.

Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince

This is Voldemort’s film. If you ever had any curiosity of who he was before he became the evil serpentine monster he is, this is the movie to watch. We see how Dumbledore came to invite him to attend Hogwarts, how he tricked a professor into telling him about a piece of dark magic called a horcrux and we learn that even as a boy, Tom Riddle (the future Voldemort) was just as sadistic as his future self would become. The romantic entanglements become more confused as Hermione struggles with Ron’s new girlfriend and Harry falls for Ron’s sister, Ginny. As the story grow more adult, the story begins to set up the final two films as Harry begins to hunt horcruxes (or the pieces of Voldemort’s soul that keep him alive) and realizes that as he fights VOldemort, those he love are put in more danger. When he finally loses for good one of the last safety nets he has left (SPOILER ALERT) with Dumbledore’s death, Harry has to trust in himself and it marks the first moments of Harry’s adult life. It is the beginning of the end and is the Empire of the Harry Potter story. In the end... 

Mr. Unhappy sez: Loss and love are all rolled into one in this movie, it is a glorious beginning to the wonderful end. 5 of 5 wands.

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1

Dumbledore is dead, Voldemort is infiltrating the Ministry of Magic, and Severus Snape is the new headmaster at Hogwarts. Luckily for our lightning scarred hero he is not attending his final year at the school of magic. Instead Harry, Ron and Hermione are off to hunt down the remaining horcruxes and destroy them so that eventually Harry can destroy Voldemort. The end is near and in this movie we see the problems left by Dumbledore at the end of the last film. Harry is still a young man and maybe in over his head without the knowledge that Dumbledore was always there to give him. What I enjoyed about this movie was the simple moments of the kids together. They have been through so sh*t and in the end of the story it is their ability to stay together that gives them a chance to succeed. Also, the movie returns the eminent danger to any character outside of the pivotal three. One of the Weasley twins loses an ear and a beloved character (at least by me) is killed off screen with only a mention and this occurs in the first 15 minutes. This movie is the beginning of the goodbye and when you reach the end of the film, the sense of loss and time running out is palpable.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 is glorious and while probably a little boring at the middle, gives you the sense that you have gone on a journey. At the end of a 8 film series, it is nice to be reminded that you too have gone on the journey with them. 5 of 5 wands.   

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 2

The end is here my friends and it arrives in Part 2 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I walked into this movie hoping for the best and expecting my expectations to not be met by the crew in Harry Potter land. Yet here is the funny thing. They exceeded them. I was blown away by how much this movie got it. While the book could carry on with telling plot, movies need to show it and this movie visualizes everything I felt and saw in the book. Granted they had to cut down on some of the secondary storylines but really isn’t this story about two characters... For you dense people I’m talking about Harry and Voldemort. No offense to J.K. Rowling but the last book could just as easily been titled Harry Potter Versus Voldemort. 

So What of it? What of this epic battle between good and evil? It is worth seven uneven movies. At the end of this movie I was able to look back on it and realize that the seven movies all served to make this movie worth it all. The movie studio created a world and gave us characters who we fell in love with. Now as the darkness grew over the story, I could feel myself beginning to root for those characters. I wanted to see my side win and their side lose. Somewhere I was enthralled by Harry, Hermione and Ron. By Mrs. Weasley, Mr. Weasley and Ginny. Their peril became my peril and their losses (and there are losses in this one) were mine. I could feel the pain and loss of people that were my friends. It was not a cutting pain or a real loss but there is a loss there. The movie reminded me, as did the book, that when I  was nearing the final pages that I began to dread the final words on the page. While this movie may not live up to what you Pottheads believe it should be, it lived up to my expectations and seemed to live up to the audience I saw it with expectations. 

This movie is shot in 3D but it doesn’t need it. I almost feel as though the studio threw it at David Yates and said “You need to use this! It’s so awesome!” The battle scenes are great, and since I saw it in 2D, I hope to see what the 3D did to it. Yet all of this is secondary. What you need to know is that this movie, all seven of them in fact, are worth it. This film wraps everything up perfectly. You can see the hard work of the kids, Alan Rickman, Michael Gambon, Helena Bonham Carter, and all the rest of the actors. You feel complete and when the credits rolled, I wiped a tear from my eye and said goodbye to my good friends.

Mr. Unhappy for the final time in Harry Potterland sez: When the end comes to Harry Potter, I realized that what the movies did was enhance the books. And not to sound too lame... it was magic.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 - 5 of 5 wands

Harry Potter and the whole damn series.... 10 out of 5 wands

It is just that good.