A long pounding deep orgasmic one and then a more realistic quick and underwhelming one

I’m marking this return to blogging with a special two movie review package. Speaking of packages...

Fifty Shades of Grey...

I have been living in a world where the magazines and articles have been telling me that the protagonist of Fifty Shades of Grey is the perfect man. That women secretly want this type of desperate loner bad boy with a heart of gold that secretly wants to love but can’t. Guys like me are sweet and stuff but if you can’t give the excitement and general fucked uppery of a Christian Grey, why should she bother with you? That women want to be man handled and taken while still maintaining the control over their own fate. That Anastasia and Christian’s romance is deeply deeply flawed is besides the point. It’s the fantasy. I’ll grant you that Christian Grey is an attractive man with billions to his name. He’s broken but is comfortable in his life. He does what he pleases and has control over all things in his life. Until the day Anastasia Steele (can I pause to consider that name for a moment?)... comes into his life. She is innocent, wide eyed and not really super impressed with him. Controlling her and possessing her is his singular obsession. We have a word for that. It’s called a stalker. Although is it still called stalking if the girl is hopelessly drawn to him for some reason? Or is it being sexy and dangerous? Either way, it’s probably not the best situation for Ana.

I’ve read that Fifty Shades of Grey is based on a Twilight fan fiction. I can see the parallels. Christian is a man Ana should not be with and she is not the type of girl you would think Christian should want to be with but they are both uncontrollably drawn to each other. He shows up at her work, conceives ways to meet her despite his uncontrollable desire to hurt her for his own pleasure. There are obvious choices for suitors besides Christian but she barely sees them. He wants to control her but seems to be led around by what Ana wants despite his own needs. I often thought that Ana had Christian as a loyal puppy who would follow her around and keep her out of trouble...only better because a puppy wouldn’t give her mind numbing, earth shattering orgasms. Fo that alone, I guess the viewer or reader can forgive Ana running back to him despite the pain and heartache that is all Christian can offer her.

The sex in the movie is graphic for an R rated picture. One wonders who they paid off to get this past the MPAA’s critical review. Sorry ladies, I didn’t see any wang but erect nipples  galore and the hint of vagina. I liked the movie, don’t get me wrong and I can even get behind the ham handed dialogue because it is all a fantasy. There is no billionaire Christian Grey waiting out there. As a fantasy this movie works great. Erotic and interesting, Fifty Shades tries to be an epic love story and ends up as a decent movie to watch if you can’t handle porn. It’s soft and fuzzy and makes you think that by golly someone will be drawn to your inner awkward despite this movie having so very little to do with actual love. Ana loves Christian though besides orgasms, I can’t figure out why. Christian keeps claiming he can’t love and will never want more from Ana but to control her. It’s a dream romance... apparently.

Mr. Unhappy sez:  Fifty Shades of Grey is one of those movies that makes it easy to see why finding love is so hard. Pun intended.

Quick Hit: Kingsman: The Secret Service

Having a movie like Kingsman makes me believe that good action movies can still be made. Action superstar Colin Firth stars as Galahad, a member of the Kingsman who is growing weary of losing his friends and saving a world that barely registers he exists. I was wondering if Firth, known more for romantic and dramatic roles, could pull off the role as a badass yet gentlemanly secret agent. He can. On both accounts. The story, which is absurd, is still solid and the characters are believable if not completely ridiculous parodies of themselves. Sofia Boutella is awesome as the legless nightmare assassin Gazelle. If you go into this movie with no expectation of greatness and Oscar worthy bravado, it succeeds on every level. If you want the King’s Speech... I pity you because that movie was ... awful. If you’ve been on the fence. See this movie.

Mr. Unhappy sez: This movie has it all. Action, violence, and butt sex. Yup. I said it and I'm spent.

Next Week : Netflix Movie of the Week

My Contract with you...and other things...and by contract I mean loose rules I'll probably break so don't hold your breath...

The New Unhappy Blog of Movies

So you may or may not have been wondering...where the hell is my boy Mr. Unhappy? Is he not seeing movies or is he just ignoring us in part because of a new job which now makes watching and reviewing movies infinitely harder to do? The truth is a little of both. Oh how I have missed my conversations to my constant readers who live with baited breath for me to blog something interesting for them to consume in the awful world that is movies these days. I'm not saying that everything is crap because as Lego so elegantly pointed out, everything is awesome. Well I've been just taking a hiatus and hoping to find that passion I once had for doing this. That's the truth and as the Oscars are tonight, and I've realized that I haven't seen any of the best picture nominees and really only Foxcatcher in the category of a nominated movie that was really good. 

I wanted to see Birdman but I just couldn't pull the trigger on it and sit down for two plus hours of Michael Keaton and Edward Norton with a boner. Just not my scene. Selma seemed like one of those powerful movies that would depress the hell out of me. A great movie, I am sure but like 12 Years a Slave last year, I am still recovering from the power of that movie. I plan on seeing it and I hope to review it soon! See what I did there? I teased it. Whiplash seemed like a good movie and again I wanna see it but just never pulled the trigger. I think that is the problem with this years nominees. They are no doubt great movies but nothing makes me want to jump out of my pants and run to the theater to see it. Most seem like a depressing treatise on what life is like in America right now. There is a lot of depressing and horrible things going on. I don't need my escapism to mirror back my own problems with the world. I like a good powerful movie but last year I had Nebraska and Her that gave me a way out of my own life and let me escape and laugh for a moment or two. 

I'm just burnt out on movies that want to tell me that life is depressing and ultimately you have to make the best of it. I know that, I live it. I'm a 36 year old single man who is considering what life will be like utterly and completely alone because I have no desire or want to start over again and again with a bunch of people who don't get me, don't want me and really just don't want to be alone while they look to find something better. I'm a placeholder, never the place. I get it. Hence Mr. Unhappy and not Mr. Constantly Smiling or Mr. Content. So when I go to a dark theater and sit through the ads and trailers for new movies, mad dogging anyone who comes after the scheduled start time because how hard is it to get to a goddamn theater on time and find a seat....but I digress. As I sit in that dark theater I want to be taken away for two hours and enjoy myself, feel good and leave with an uplifting feeling that makes getting back up as life knocks you down worthwhile and not preached to about my faults as a man, a white man, and a man who is busy repressing women everywhere. Do I know that these movies are like this...no. I haven't seen them but I have an idea that they might be and it makes me run from them like the plague.

So yeah...I failed this year to write anything for you because I was alternately scared out of my wits because I had no money and no job for over half the year and a crappy yet paying job for the rest of it that wipes me right the fuck out. I've failed you constant reader (which is really a hard thing to judge because I have no idea how many there really are of you out there) and I aim to do better. So I am coming up with a plan. I may not write long laborious reviews of movies but I vow to write at least one a week. 

That's it. One review a week with the subject matter changing in a four week cycle. Week 1 (This Thursday) will deal with a new movie or movies out now. Week two I will give you a movie or group of movies that are available for immediate streaming on Netflix or Amazon or Hulu (should I actually watch a movie on Hulu which is rare). Then the week after that I will throw back the clock and talk about a movie that I liked when I was growing up and was far less cynical and mean as I am now. And the last leg of our cycle will involve a movie you should see but may have been unable to pull the trigger on...or not. Maybe a movie you all want to see but shouldn't cause it blows donkey balls and as we all know, donkey balls suck hard. So I will promise that I will do this for you. I may not want to but I will at least give a you a "See the Breakfast Club...because it is balls out the best movie about teenage life ever." As simple as that...maybe with a picture or a clip or a moment. I want to share my love of movies with you... which was my goal when I started this blog. Back when I was happy...isn't that some Alanis Morrisette like irony for you?

Until Thursday... Mr. Unhappy Sez:  The key to life is being happy in what you got. I have a job, good friends, my family and clean underwear...who can complain. 

Coming this Thursday:

New Releases: 

Fifty Shades of Grey and The Kingsman...consider yourself teased. 

Coming soon...

Coming soon... A new mr. Unhappy blog... Well not new but improved.... Maybe not improved but consistent? Like I said... All new!