Mr. Unhappy in 3-D!!!!!!!!!!!

When I was a child, I was enamored with the idea of 3-D movies. It seemed so out of this world to have an image from a movie screen come out of the screen at me. When I bought Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare it promised “3-D Included” and I rushed home to watch the movie prepped with my red and blue 3-D glasses and when the scene featuring 3-D came on, I excitedly put them on... and the image looked unchanged. Then there was a shimmer of 3-D and the image seemed to ghost out from my TV. It was a minor letdown but I read that there was new 3-D in the making with James Cameron leading the charge to the new era of 3-D. I saw Superman Returns in stunning IMAX 3-D and this movie gave me a little bit of what I was looking for. Rocks shot up mere feet from me, Superman lifted a boat out of the water and carried it out of the screen with ease. When I finally saw James Cameron’s Avatar in stunning 3-D, I was amazed at the world he created, coming towards me. The story was lacking but the visuals were stunning.

Then began the current era we are in, the 3-D Era, where any movie can be made (often poorly) into 3-D and a few more dollars can be squeezed from my wallet. I’ve often thought that if movies were to use the device of 3-D to create enrich the world they are creating then the few dollars more is worth it. Like that Superman Returns, where water seemed to drip into my lap as a ship rose before me or a kryptonite rock rose from the ocean and through the theater I was in. This part of the film enriched the film, put me inside a world where this is happening and made me part of the story. In stark contrast to that is a movie like Transformers 3: Return of the Explosion where the 3-D was a device to make explosions more explosionier. It added nothing and with a script as bad as that, it needed nothing. Take “The Last Airbender” which created a dim, unbelievable world and then added 3-D to make it dimmer and headachy.

A part of me wishes that 3-D was as cool as the 10 year old in me wanted it to be. Yet all I get now from 3-D is a harder to see movie and a slight pain in my head. 

Let’s look at what 3-D has done for me lately...

1. Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides

Captain Jack jumps through the screen and promptly puts me right to sleep. I haven’t been this bored by a movie since Star Trek 5: The Undiscovered Country. The 3-D is used properly and does add what little it can to the story but I could have easily seen this movie without it and enjoyed it about the same. The important part of any Pirates movie is Captain Jack and with this movie, he was underutilized and unimportant to the story. You can’t throw Captain Jack in anywhere and expect a great movie because you have special effects and a spiffy 3-D camera. Give us a story and we’re there with you, 3-D will only enhance it.

2. Transformers 3

Do I really have to bombard my brain with this garbage again. 3-D was not useful and simply raped further funds from my wallet. I'm still waiting for the por parody that might have something to offer me... you know Transformers: Dark Of the Poon...too soon?

3. Green Lantern

I saw Green Lantern in 2-D and 3-D. Both offered me a substandard story and a green guy in a suit fighting some mentally challenged guy who had a sweaty massive head. If I wanted that I could have gone to the gym and watched some porn. That came out wrong.

4. Thor

The one with the hammer. Yeah that is about all that I found memorable from Thor. I liked the movie just fine but the story on Earth with Natalie Portman broke my one simple rule for Natalie Portman movies.... don’t make Natalie Portman’s character useless. However this is probably not Kenneth Branaugh’s fault. He created a visually superb world in Asgard and I was so engaged in the story there (with 3-D) that when the story shifted to bland New Mexico, I wanted to go back to the shiny organ pipe world. Still, I can offer no reason why this movie NEEDED to be done in 3-D but of the films I’ve seen, this was probably the most inoffensive 3-D movie of the lot.

5. Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 2

Now we all know my love of all things Harry Potter. So much so that I have taken some time between reviews to let me wizard geek out subside so I can give you an accurate review. In 2-D the movie offered the story of young Harry Potter facing the powerful Lord Voldemort in the epic final battle of Hogwarts. I was enthralled and when the movie ended I felt as though the story was over and I’ve seen all of the world of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry that I needed to. In 3-D the movie offered the story of young Harry Potter facing the powerful Lord Voldemort in the epic final battle of Hogwarts. I was enthralled and when the movie ended I felt as though the story was over and I’ve seen all of the world of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry that I needed to. I think you see where I am going here.

6. Final Destination 5

In Final Destination 5, a group of people survive a bridge collapse because one of the six survivors has a vision of the horrific events to come. This vision is the first act of the movie and it is full of 3-D gore and pain but somewhere around the middle of the movie, they seem to forget the 3-D and great shots like the girl being impaled on the mast of a boat beneath the falling bridge IN YOUR FACE is lost and the deaths become more routine and a less impressive as time goes on. I liked the movie and would recommend it to people who enjoy the good deaths in the previous installments of the Final Destination franchise but to shell out 3 dollars more for a pair of Tom Cruise in Risky Business glasses and a headache... I say save the 3 bucks because we are in a down economy. 3-D, while I wish it were worth it, really just makes me feel as though I was punched in the face without being punched in the face... or the satisfaction of being able to punch someone back.