The 2nd Annual Golden Unhappy's!

The 2nd Annual Golden Unhappy Awards

Welcome to the 2nd Annual Golden Unhappy Awards! (pause for applause aaaand go) 

To fully explain how we come to our decisions I’d like to introduce the senior legal advisor for the law offices of Mist, Erun, Happ and Yee…. Mr. Gerry Happ!

“The results are calculated using numerous algorithms and formulas. After careful consideration each member of the 1 person academy is sent a final ballot. Final Ballots for this year’s awards were mailed on December 24th but failed to go out until the 26th due to the birth of Christ. All voters (in this case the lone vote of Mr. Unhappy himself) must mail their ballots so they will be received no later than the 29th of December. Anything later will not be counted and the awards would be canceled. The painstaking task of counting votes takes place over a 1 hour period in which the whole process is watched over by me and Mr. Simon Yee until we realize that only one person voted and therefore the awards are picked by the irrational thoughts of a slightly disturbed individual. It really is quite a waste of money…”

Erm yes, yes! Thank you Mr. Happ. Please take your seat. I’ll kill you later. Now a brief musical interlude here is Thamys:

                    

Wow, that was awful. Sorry I thought when they booked this girl that she was able to sing and not just rape my childhood worse than Michael Bay redoing Star Wars. Yeesh. The only thing that would have made that better would have been guy jumping through her mirror and hit her in the head with a hammer, like the classic French film Fat Girl. Yet we cannot always be rewarded with such a brilliant twist of fate like that.

Now onto the awards… We begin with the award for Best Achievement in Elevating the Craft of Movies of a Horrific Variety or Best Horror Movie of 2012…To present this award: Me. That’s all I got? We were supposed to have Clooney….who says he is too big for this? Can’t I get Fucking Affleck? 

Best Horror Movie of 2012

The Cabin in the Woods

There are probably a lot of movies that deserve to be here. For every Evil Dead 2 or Halloween, there is a Sleepaway Camp or Friday the 13th Part 3. A lot of people would look at Cabin in the Woods and say that as far as truly horrific horror it was a light weight bubble gum pop horror movie. They would be right but the true genius of the movie is not in the story that plays onscreen about bubble headed blondes, a-hole jocks, virgins and a token stoner. The movie becomes horrific as you watch the Behind the Scenes moments with Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford. The mundane indifference to what they do is funny but in the process of a horror movie becomes horrific when you see what they actually do for a living. While the movie is filled with humor and classic horror movie moments, they are created for the enjoyment of turning them on their head. This is a new Scream but done much better. The viewer roots for the kids to make it through but you know that if they did, they would most likely end up in the sequel’s first scene getting killed after getting out of the shower and scared a few times by their screechy cat leaping in front of them. The Cabin in the Woods not only makes effective horror but creates a world for the characters literally and then turns that world on its ear by breaking stereotypes.  This movie was the beginning of Joss Whedon’s coming out party this year and it gives you typical Joss Whedon moments while satisfying the needs of the fans.  The Cabin in The Woods is fun, horrific, and bloody enough for the vile fans of Hostel fans and light hearted enough for a teen comedy fan. It truly is a movie for all comers. That elevates the genre and is why I would consider it the best Horror Movie of the year.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Boobs, Blood, Zombies and Boobs (cause there are always two boobs in a horror movie), what more could a guy ask for. It does not have the shocking horror of a Megan Is Missing (Last year’s winner) but it does make the genre better.

Best Hot Actor

Daniel Craig, Skyfall

I don’t swing that way but if I was Javier Bardem’s Silva, I could see why he would want Craig’s 007. Daniel Craig is the type of guy Men want to be and the type of guy women wish their men could be. Between him and Ryan Gosling, guys around the world are always slightly less attractive…

Mr. Unhappy Sez: Daniel Craig is a hell of an actor and from the sighs I hear when he gets shirtless, he must be hot too. I might have used one of the Magic Mike guys here, but I attempt to avoid banana hammock movies in general. 

Best Hot Actress

Emma Stone, The Amazing Spider-man and The Gangster Squad

What hasn’t she touched that has not turned into gold? Emma Stone has a great personality, a smoky sexy voice, that red hair that won’t quit and even as a blond the ability to act her way out of the most absurd circumstances. Her boyfriend was Spider-man for crissakes and she pulled that off better than Kirsten Dunst ever did. Not to mention her career so far… I cannot simply give this award to the hottest girl every year.  Well I could but in this case, it would still be Emma Stone.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: If Emma isn’t getting your juices a flowing, you may want to seek medical attention. Also seek medical attention if your erection due to Emma Stone last longer than four hours as this could be a sign of a more serious condition… like being a guy and liking women.

Most Awkward sex scene

Ted and Tammy Lynne in “Ted”

People have always wondered how a teddy bear could have sex with a hot woman if a teddy bear was alive and had the sex drive of the average guy. I mean there is no penis and a strap on seems to take away the spontaneity... What you haven’t wondered about this? Hmm, that was just me then? Damn. Now I feel like a weirdo. I mean come on who hasn’t looked at a Teddy Ruxpin and wondered “Bet he could give her the dirty Fozzie” to paraphrase Ted. Ted, in general, was a symphony of awkward moments. Giovanni Ribisi’s dance to “I think we’re alone now”, The actor who played Flash Gordon tackling an Asian man named Ming,  Four strippers and a Teddy Bear sitting in a room with a shit and not noticing. Yet the scene when the manager of the super market where Ted works catching Tammy Lynne having sex on a sack of parsnips while Ted yells for her to stick her finger in his tag, takes the cake. It is hilarious, awkward and sadly sexy. Really? That’s just me?

Mr. Unhappy sez:  I am disturbed and happy to see that no one was harmed during the sex scene. A rug burn downstairs seems like a bad idea.

Best Actor

Mark Duplass, Safety Not Guaranteed

Nothing is more annoying that going into a movie about time travel and having some worthless Doc Brown imitating guy who has wild hair and a hope to stop the assassination of JFK. That is what makes Safety Not Guaranteed such an interesting movie. The movie revolves around a group of three reporters (one established reporter and two interns) who come to a small town to write a story on the crazy eccentric Kenneth Calloway who places an ad in the paper looking for someone to travel back in time with. Mark Duplass (The League and Your Sister’s Sister) plays Kenneth deadly serious. What he intends to do is dangerous and in turn he needs someone who is capable of handling. Whether or not Kenneth is crazy is debatable but he is a sympathetic character and I rooted for him. This movie deserves recognition for taking a hard subject like Time Travel and grounding it in reality. Most of that responsibility falls on Mark Duplass and he handles it well. Now with turns in “Zero Dark Thirty” and his writing/directing of “Jeff, Who Lives at Home” his star is starting to rise.

Mr. Unhappy sez: I love him in The League and I hope he people begin to notice the great work he is doing. 

Best Actress

Emma Watson, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Our little Hermione has growns up. In The Perks of Being a Wallflower she plays a damaged and self hating girl who accepts poor substitutes for love because she is so damaged she doesn’t think she deserves anything better. What really resonates with me about the movie and Watson’s performance is that I know this girl as Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter movies and the lustful thoughts of pervs around the world. Yet she inhabits the character of Sam with a maturity that we began to see towards the end of the Potter series. It seems unfair to forever link this talented young actress to Potter but try to think of a Emma Watson movie….I’ll wait….90 percent thought Potter first. I know you’d tell me “No I thought of Ballet Shoes, a TV movie from 2007.” But that is what I like to call bullshit. Emma Watson makes you forget Hermione for 2 hours and you marvel in the performance she gives. It reaches you and smartly doesn’t make you feel sorry for Sam. She is becoming a great actress. I worry about the upcoming movie The Bling Ring because I think she’s taken a step out of the Potter shadow and I don’t want to see this girl pushed back in.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Nobody puts Emma in a corner. Unless Emma wants to be in a corner then corners are OK for Emma but that really does take the wind out of my nobody puts Emma in a corner line... it is decided then. No corners for Emma.

 

Best Movie Currently on Netflix Instant Watch

The Game

This was really just going to be the Netflix pick of the week but I do want to recommend it. The story is about Michael Douglas, a rich yet chronically unfulfilled man whose brother (played with just the right amount of slacker by Sean Penn) gives him a birthday present which will “make life interesting.”  Nicholas (Douglas) takes him up on the offer on a whim and learns that the gift is a game. Each game is specifically tailored to the individual and satisfaction is guaranteed. The movie goes off from there with car chases, taxis being driven into San Francisco Bay, a plot to steal all of Nicholas’ money and the culmination of the story on the rooftop of a building and a slightly improbable ending. I don’t want to ruin it for you but just think about whether Nicholas staggered to the other side of the building. I watch it so much, I can now use it as a movie I can drift off to sleep to. That’s not to say the movie is boring, it is very engaging but the movie is so engrained in my mind that I can simply close my eyes and picture it. I saw this movie when it came out in theaters and I was very impressed with it.  Don’t take my word for it. Doubt me. Just watch the movie to prove that I suck. Just watch the movie. It is worth your time.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: The Game is the David Fincher movie no one saw but everyone should have.

Best Animated Movie

Wreck It Ralph

There is a fine line between a kid’s movie and a movie made for kids who are in their 30’s. Wreck It Ralph succeeds at being both. If you’ve ever wondered what happened to the video game characters when you turned off the game, this movie is for you. Ralph is a one note bad guy in a game called Fix-It Felix who wants more with life than just wrecking things and getting thrown off the roof like Donkey Kong. He explores those feelings in a support group filled with video game bad guys.  Part of the fun is trying to remember them so I will not go into a detailed list.  Wreck It Ralph is a great movie for folks (like Mr. Unhappy) who feel like the outsiders in their world. It shows that even though you may not have everything you want, you are still a valid essential part of life. This is a message you want your kids to learn before they step into teenager hell and are thrown through the wringer. Wreck It Ralph is one of those movies I want to buy so I can show my kids someday…if that happens. Until then, I’ll just enjoy the video game references to my childhood.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Wreck it Ralph makes everyone feel useful and needed. Isn’t that really all anyone wants?

Best End of the World Movie

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

What would you do if a giant meteor named Matilda was coming to destroy the Earth? If you were Dodge Petersen’s (Steve Carell) adulterous wife Linda, you’d jump out of the car and run to be with your lover. This is how the world’s end begins in Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, the long titled apocalypse romantic comedy starring Steve Carell and Keira Knightley. It was an odd casting choice to have Keira Knightley play opposite Steve Carell as a potential love interest. Yet it works for the simple reason that if the world was ending would you still have the same bias and issues with a potential love interest? I can see someone who now doesn’t care what someone looks like or how much money they make and you can actually make a connection. The movie is essentially a road movie as Knightley and Carell’s characters travel to reconnect Dodge with his childhood sweetheart, Olivia. Yet as the movie goes on you see the connection and chemistry Dodge and Penny (Knightley) have and you begin to root for them. Not that Olivia seems like a bad person, it is just that you can see that at this moment, in this time, at the end of everything, these two really belong together. It is perhaps the sweetest and most romantic end of the world movie ever. For that reason alone, a soft romantic like me has to choose it.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: I love a good love story…where 5 billion people are wiped out.

Best Adapted From a Book Movie

The Hunger Games

A movie based on a book is very rarely good. In fact you mostly lose all the flavor of the book and end up with the Twilight Saga films. Good movies that seem a little forced to give the moments fans of the books want to see. The Hunger Games does not do that. Every detail of the book seems in place and none of it seems wedged in there for no reason. You are very much in Katniss Everdeen’s head as she is chosen as one of 24 tributes (two from each district of Panem, the mythical post apocalypse land in the former United States) who will fight to the death for the amusement of their leaders and to prove to the districts who is in charge. The winner will be given a life of carefree living, forever provided for by the Capitol. I’ve already stated my love for Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook but this movie was probably the movie that brought her immense talent to the eyes of the viewing public. She doesn’t disappoint. Even the supporting cast (Woody Harrelson, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, Elizabeth Banks and Donald Sutherland) have a great ability to raise what could have been Twilight/Harry Potter meets Death Race to a movie with a heart. The whole movie captures the book and I cannot wait to see what they do with the next book Catching Fire.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Death, Violence, Explosions, brutality on a Lord of The Flies level? What is not to love?

Best Movie Featuring Men in Tights

The Avengers

You gotta admit that it took balls. This movie was something we’d never seen before from a Superhero movie. It took a group of individual “heroes” and put them in the same movie but more importantly made it work. Joss Whedon deserves the best director academy award just for that alone. Making a movie with more than one superhero and not making it seem desperate. Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and The Hulk (in his best incarnation to date) all exploded through the screen to make a movie that flowed well, didn’t seemed like they had to wedge heroes in and created a sense of happiness in fan boy hearts everywhere (including the dead heart of yours truly). The Epic final battle scene alone lifted above The Dark Knight Rises. It is also one of the first comic book movies that killed a beloved character (I don’t count the Rachel Dawes killing in Dark Knight because no one cared) and didn’t apologize. Can you imagine if they had killed Commissioner Gordon in Dark Knight Rises? The death of Agent Coulson in the Avengers was treated with respect and was a pivotal plot point. The Avenger raised the stakes for all Superhero movies to come. Even The Dark Knight Rises seemed to pale in comparison. And that is saying something.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: I love a good epic battle movie. I love a good epic battle movie with an actual story, that is well acted and well written even more.

Best Comedy or Musical

Silver Linings Playbook

I don’t know if this is meant to be a comedy but there are a lot of laughs and moments when you chuckle to yourself. I find that any movie which is about two people meeting cute and then developing into love is probably at least considered a romantic comedy. This is not a Nicholas Sparks tear jerker and not a laugh out loud hilarious movie like Ted but this movie has laughs and heart and crazy people. Who doesn’t like that? The story of a down on his luck guy who gets out of the loony bin and meets a woman is every bit as crazy as he is. They begin to hang out, one to find love and the other to get back the love he lost, and slowly they begin to fall for each other. I think what makes this movie sweet is the genuine affection the actors seem to have with each other. Robert DeNiro is great as a slightly unstable head of house that needs his remotes to face the right way during Eagle games. Bradley Cooper is brilliant as a bipolar man who is trying to get his life back. Finally Jennifer Lawrence is brilliant as the widow who blames herself for her husband’s death and tries desperately to find her way back from the edge. I think the great thing about this movie is that it shows that even the people who are sane are still crazy in their own way.


Mr. Unhappy sez: See it and tell me you didn’t laugh. Plus there is a dance scene that puts Dirty Dancing to shame. 

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Wait Ben Affleck isn’t even here to accept his award for best picture? Jesus did you send the invitations? You sent them on the 25th? That’s Christmas you moron! Did you paste them to the mailbox? 

Oh we're back! Sorry…and to present the final award for best picture, here is the unhappiest of unhappy people, Mr. Unhappy! 

The best movie of the year last year went to the Joseph Gordon Leavitt movie “50/50”. We tried to get Joseph or Anna Kendrick (especially her the saucy minx) to pick up their award but they both seemed to think I was some obsessed stalker and placed a restraining order on me. 500 feet, I mean what is 500 feet?I could still kill…I mean hug someone from 500 feet. Just kidding guys. 

So we were supposed to have Ben Affleck here tonight but SOMEONE forgot to send the notification out until Christmas Day which means that it will get to him right about next year. But let me speak a little on the winner for Best Picture of 2012… Argo.

Best Movie of 2012

Argo

Argo is the true story of trapped American diplomats in Iran during the Iran Hostage Crisis in 1979. I was 1 when this happened so I can’t vouch for the historical accuracy of the film but the 1970’s hair and cars are authentic enough from what I’ve seen. The story revolves around Tony Mendez, a specialist in getting people out of potentially life threatening situations for the CIA. He comes up with the best worst plan to get the 6 diplomats hiding in the basement at the friendly Canadian Ambassador's house (cause no one suspects the wily Canucks) by creating a fake movie that will allow the 6 Americans to walk out of Iran as a Canadian film crew. The movie (which has most of the cast of Kevin Smith’s Red State) is a tightly wound script and the direction by Mr. Affleck is expertly done. That Ben has gone on to be perhaps a better director than actor (although I still claim his work in Reindeer Games was underappreciated) is a testament to the hard work he puts into all his films. The stories Ben tells are all about a guy put in a position too big for him and how he overcomes long odds. Yet each movie seems like a different beast. I’d be curious to see what Ben Affleck would do with one of the new Star Wars films. His eye and ability to create stunning, gripping stories lead me to believe that his best work is yet to come.  Argo is the type of movie that you don’t mind sitting and watching because every moment is worth it. It is rare that a movie does not have a scene where you wonder why it was in the movie. Argo doesn’t have one scene that seems out of place or forced to fit the actor’s ego. Ben Affleck creates the world, the time, the situation and pays it all off in a satisfying conclusion. It’s no secret that they make it out of Iran but how they do it is perhaps the most compelling thing I’ve seen this year. That is why it is the Best Movie of 2012.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: If you don’t believe me that Argo is the best movie of 2012. Arrrr go fuck yourself.

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Well that concludes the second annual Golden Unhappy Awards! (wait for applause to die down aaaaand go) 

Coming up in 2013 look for The Worsties of 2012 and a whole bunch of new reviews.  Maybe even a Hall Of Fame Induction for a certain John Cusack movie about being better off dead. Unless I get lazy or laid… and this is possible…The former more likely than the latter. 

We’ve run a little long so I know that I’ve got to cut it short but I just want to say that without my one reader I would be lost. We'd also like to give a shout out the increase in cleavage this year at the cinema... Jennifer Lawrence and Elizabeth Olsen you know what I am saying.... Thank you to whoever finished this epically long blog from me and goodni…

We now join this more relevant blog, already in progress.