Bad Netflix...just Bad...

I have a slight problem with watching movies that have very little cultural value. Twilight, Loser (with Jason Biggs), The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Battlefield Earth, After Earth, The Last Airbender, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, and the always entertaining Gigli. All of these movies have reasons why I enjoy them. The teenage girl in me (Twilight, Loser), The Teenage boy in me (TMNT), The Sadist in me (Battlefield Earth, After Earth, Gigli) and the Perv in me (Sorority Babes). I could list all the different sides to me but somewhere this would become about me. Tonight, I was hoping to write a little about some movies I've watched recently that are just awful. There is no redeeming quality to them and quite honestly, I cannot see why...how...who..would pay money to see...make...release... these movies. All of them have a hook and a choice was made to invest money into them. So somewhere, someone, wanted to see these movies happen. No point putting this off.... here are some awful movies. Watch them at your own peril.

30,000 Leagues Under The Sea

When a movie begins with "Starring Lorenzo Lamas" and then says "Based on Jules Verne's Classic Adventure" we need to deal with the fact that Oscarbait this is not. Where 30,000 leagues goes wrong is well it got started and someone said "Here's the idea. A submarine goes missing and when the Navy launches a rescue mission, the rescuers run into Captain Nemo, not the legendary version but a crappy out of his mind douchebag who wants to blow up the earth. Isn't that awesome?!" No. No, it is not. The stilted acting, the bad special effects, a horrible plot, pace, and writing. 30,000 Leagues Under The Sea fails at every level as a movie. Does the Navy really wear patches on their uniform that says NAVY in huge letters? No. I didn't think so. I'd like to tell you that the redeeming quality is _______ but there is no redeeming this movie. They have literally and figuratively taken a shit on the memory of a classic novel. Of all the movies you should see this summer, this is not one of them. If you watch this movie please please do it hipster ironically.

 

Mr. Unhappy sez: If you ever wanted to track down Jules Verne and punch him in the crotch, watch this movie.

No Holds Barred

 

Back in the late 80's the WWF (now the WWE) decided to get into the movie business and took it's number one star Hulk Hogan and made him the star. The story involves Hulk Hogan as a wrestler for the WWF named Rip who, as their champion, brings in great ratings for the network. Their rival network, run by the dickish Kurt Fuller (he of playing the dick in Ghostbusters 2) decides they need to steal Rip and begin to run a rival show of a UFC like nature and blahbety blah blah happens...Rip has to fight Zeus (Tom "Tiny" Lister) and there is your movie. I'm sure half of you could guess how that is. There is also a romantic story? Read that like I am tilting it up at the last word and questioning the believability of the romantic pairing of  Joan Severance and Hulk Hogan. Truly this movie isn't meant to be good. It is meant to be a movie that gives fans of the WWF(E) the violence they love on a movie screen. Watching Hulk Hogan act is like watching a plant grow. It does little for you but it might eventually get better. I will admit that the masochist in me loves the worthless story and random fight scenes. This movie has a redeeming quality. I'm not sure what it is but...it's in there somewhere.

Mr Unhappy sez: It's a movie made by Hulk Hogan and Vince MacMahon...did you think it was gonna be good?

Starship Troopers: Invasion

This movie is animated. That is not a bad thing. In fact, there are animated boobs in this movie. If you remember the original Starship Troopers movie, boobs, they were a plenty and teenage boys did weep...from their penises. Now a new generation can fap furiously to a new movie about bugs and their unyielding war on humanity. The story is kind of about a hero named...what was it again...I had it a minute ago. Oh...you got to be shitting me. Hero...his name is hero? Come on. The story is decent. There are the aforementioned boobs. There is plenty of bug killing. There is a psychic bug crashing a ship on Paris. A bunch of great ideas. I mean can we "find" that Malaysian Airlines flight on top of Paris? The problem is it is told as though you are in a video game. Every scene feels like a build up to the moment when I take control of Hero and attack bugs for hours like a teenager and then... next scene where two characters have sex and fall in love and promise that if they die they will return their gun to their hometown. I guess my issue with it is that it had the ability to be good but seems to cut out the exciting gameplay scenes. I loved the original Starship Troopers even if Denise Richards, Casper Van Diem and Neil Patrick Harris weren't brilliant. The story was tight, danger was real and if they died I didn't think they would reappear at their last save point. As far as movies go, you can watch it...remember...boobs, Basil.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Boobs. That is my one take away from this movie. Boobs. The filmmakers seem to agree with me as they show boobs whenever convenient for the story.

Sharknado

I know I am going for the low hanging fruit here. This is a movie in which 3 tornadoes (filled with alive man eating sharks) will destroy Los Angeles unless Steve Sanders (from the 1990's 90210) and the annoying chick from American Pie's family stops the tornadoes in their tracks. I get that the movie is not supposed to be good and at that they succeeded. Tara Reid somewhat sleeps through the movie, sighing her lines out, as though they paid her a lot of money but failed to write a provision into her contract that she try. She acts like a poor man's  Lindsay Lohan. Ian Ziering is very good for what he is. He always new something like this was gonna happen so he's been preparing. Yep, he's a creepy survivalist who is an absent father and hero. The special effects and story are on par as being awful. There is a subplot between the barkeep at Ian Ziering's bar and his son but I never really figured out where that came from. All of a sudden they had a deep connection. Forget setting up that she was in love with Ian Ziering for the first half of the movie. I can forgive that though. This movie works. It keeps a person captivated like a man walking in on a little person banging their mom. You don't wanna watch but something keeps you from turning away. His tiny body is plowing through your mom like a Hummer filled with explosives... it has blown your mind. You need your mom to see you and say "Get outta here!" I think I've drawn that metaphor out as long as I can.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Don't run from Sharknado, Sharknado just wants to make love to you....like that little guy did to your mom...who are you kidding, that was straight f**king. I had one more in me. Said your mom.


Don't feel bad about watching these movies. They are there. There is nothing else on and rewatching Pulp Fiction for the 30th time seems like a waste of time. These "films" are on the Netflix Instant Watch and you can watch them for free. Say whatever makes you feel better. I expect a full review of each of these.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Bad movies aren't bad if enough people watch them. They are cult classics.