Not so Fast....Furious 7

I've been trying to save money a little so seeing a movie in the theater is not the easiest thing in the world to do on a budget but I love doing it so much that I would like to share the experience with you fully.

I arrived at the theater and promptly went to the ticket counter. It being a Saturday I expected a line. Luckily no other movie was starting soon so I was relatively by myself. The two younger patrons in front of me stood at the counter and I ambled over to the counter behind them, my twelve dollars in hand. Sure it would have been easier if someone bought the tickets and then got out of the way but these two independent young people decided they should waste some time and pay separately. Sure I could get mad but I'm going to the movies so I'm gonna let this slight go and enjoy my movie. Then the two young guys decide to mess around him a little and I step forward to announce my presence. They walk off to their theater to undoubtedly talk the entire time their movie plays because fuck other people, I bought my ticket and I wanna have a talk. Not so much about the movie but about the ingrown hair on their feet or some other trivial bullshit. Sure I could be reading to much into this but they seem like those types of assholes. No worries. I wander up and say "One for Fast and Furious 7."

Now in the theater...after the ticket tearing girl Jennifer took a good 30 seconds to figure out how the tearing of a ticket is accomplished, I take my usual position to the side and in an area of the theater where most people aren't. I roll that way and I expect you to appreciate that. The projector or dvd player kicks on and the movie trailers begin....

San Andreas

When The Rock...I mean Dwayne Johnson...stars in this disaster epic about a huge Earthquake that devastates California and the bad news...it isn't over. Watching the city of L.A. literally ripple with Earthquake shake as though God is twerking...was a sight to behold. Otherwise I smell a 2012 (the movie not the year in which the year was also the movie) type disaster epic. It will be sappy and epic.

 Southpaw

Antoine Fuqua is gonna ride Training Day his whole career. Who am I to blame him? That movie is epic and awesome. Southpaw seems to be the story of Jake Gyllenhaal who is a boxer whose wife dies and his life spins out of control. Seems like an up with life type movie...if going up in life is being so depressed you find yourself on a ledge without knowing how you got there. It seems like that type of movie. Written by the guy who made Sons of Anarchy....hmmm. Could be good.

Pixels

 

I remember playing Pac- Man and Donkey Kong as a kid and if life on Earth comes down to being saved by the a-holes who can play Pac-Man the best...we're screwed. Also how is a Mini gonna take on Pac-Man...it isn't literally a ghost, it is a car and this bad giant Pac-Man was just shown eating a police car. I don't know. It will probably have some funny moments but overall I am sensing a Grown Ups 2 vibe from it.

Jesus is there another one? Maybe it will be Avengers: Age of Ultron or something awesome...nope.

The Vatican Tapes

So yeah...remember The Exorcist...this is a movie that will show you the truth behind the real life battle with the Devil!!!!! or it will be a slightly disappointing version of a found footage of the Exorcist. Most likely the latter as the biggest name the have in it is Michael Pena...so yeah. The power of Christ compels us...as Jonah Hill might say... it's not very compelling.

Feature...damnit.... the silence your cell phones ad. Killing me. If people don't know it by now telling them that LOL and BFF on a bright little screen in a dark movie theater isn't gonna stop them. I'm just saying....so now we have our Feature Presentation....

Furious 7

 

When Paul Walker died a lot of the fire I had for this series went with it. It was a bummer. You watch these movies to get car boners and see some incredible stunts but mostly car boners. You don't watch them to remember the real life consequences of driving fast and furious. For the most part Fast 7 is a tribute to Paul Walker and gives him the kind of resolution you can get behind. Dead...Alive...they are still family and in the world of Fast and Furious, family never dies. I was told that there was a tribute to him that has made grown men cry in their seats. I can't say I was that moved but it was a nice moment in the movie. The rest of the movie....hmmm I'm not sure about.  

Dom, Letty, Brian and the rest are all back to drive or die. This time they are pitted against a terminator...I mean an expendable...I mean a transporter...or Jason Statham. He arrives, destroying his brother's hospital to get to his bedside so he can make a vow to avenge him as any good brother would. Bad news is...to avenge him he needs to take on Dom and the super friends. I mean seriously, when did the Fast and The Furious become a James Bond movie. They can do whatever they want and not only survive but seemingly be untouched by the bullets or cliffs or driving a car out of a building...and into another building and then into another building. I realize that going into these movies for a person to expect it to be an accurate portrayal of our world is well unrealistic. Soon though Vin Diesel is gonna have to put on tights and an S on his chest because he is undestructible. Not do to any armor but a magic white t-shirt. No harm can come to him. Remember when Dom was a mechanic who just liked to rob people? When Brian was a FBI agent who was bringing down a gang of thieves using street racing? Remember when they went to Tokyo with that kid with a southern accent from Frailty? All of them are back. Dom is in his mechanic get up and Brian pulls out his FBI stuff for a minute...and yes even Lucas Black is back to help Dom out for a second.

The story goes that to find Deckard Shaw...brother to Owen Shaw in the last movie and avenge the death of Asian Driver....they must first rescue a kidnapped hacker (who happens to be hot as hell) and find software she developed much like the software from The Dark Knight that can track anyone down in the city and give it to Kurt Russell who immediately gives it back to them so they can find Shaw. I know...why would they do that when Deckard Shaw seems to keep trying to kill them so finding him really isn't that hard? But Cars! and Booty! and Michelle Rodriguez making me all hot and bothered with her smoky voice and her ability to kick my ass. Is that just me? So no, Furious 7 is not a great movie, it is an epic movie and no it isn't well scripted but who needs a script when car boners are everywhere. It is all happening...all at once. When in doubt...blow shit up. That makes the movie. In the end, I didn't come here to see an oscar worthy period piece. I came to see some hot cars, some hot girls in a bikini (on a side note, is it not uncomfortable to have a bikini wedged in your crack?) and a nice actiony movie where the good guys win. Sure it's ridiculous bullshit but... car boners. 

Mr. Unhappy sez: If this were a Oscar movie... I would not have had so much fun. So fuck that noise. It is awesome and blowy uppy and why aren't you seeing it right now! Right....now! Now! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNow!

Postponed... till saturday....

So I went to a baseball game last night and on the way back I was asked what my blog would be. I don't know for crissakes. I haven't had the time to see a damn movie this week and I wanna. I'm jonesing hard for sweet sweet flicker. I was gonna go tonight but then work intervened. Long story short...I'm off Saturday. If I don't do a blog then, I'm posting a pic of myself with a shoe on my head. Until then Unhappiers....

Don't slam the effing door!

I'm a little off this week as my schedule changed. I usually have Thursdays off so I can write a blog and take my time so you all get your weekly need for movie goodness from the sweet sweet heroin that is Mr. Unhappy's Movie Blog. I am really putting forth the effort to be consistent with my blogging because well, it would be nice if I got better at doing what I do and maybe found a way to get some dollar bills in my pocket for watching movies... that's the dream. So forgive me my briefness with this blog. No less important and a movie worth seeing. I give you...

Winnebago Man

If you haven't seen the collection of outtakes from a Winnebago man slowly losing it while shooting a commercial, you have not laughed hysterically. I mean this YouTube video should be on everyone's must list. You just keep laughing. I've seen it 20-30 times and it still makes me laugh with hysterics and sometimes cry. I never knew much about the man, Jack Rebney, who has been called the angriest man in the world. This documentary from filmmaker Ben Steinbauer starts because one such viewer of this video decided he wanted to find out more about the man behind the swearing, ranting, sweating man who had a bad day a long time ago and achieved Internet stardom. When he finally meets Jack, he finds a man much the same as the man in the video but very smart and can be quite affable. He curses like a sailor and is having health issues that make him unable to leave his home very often and he likes it that way. He and his dog live in the woods...fishing and enjoying the solitude that such a life gives. He is through with the world and doesn't care about his Internet fame. He doesn't want to cash in and use the embarrassment of his past to make him a star. He's eccentric and funny and a little bit crazy. Watching this movie gives me an understanding of the man and makes me laugh. So if you've seen the video and want to know more, check it out. If you haven't seen the video and just want to watch a funny and sometimes poignant movie, check it out. If you hate all thing internets and wish things were simple like the old days, rent the DVD and enjoy your day...because streaming it on Netflix is too hard for you. And above all...do me a kindness...will you do that? Watch the movie... and get these fucking flies out here...God damn it.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Winnebago man is a quality movie about a simple subject. Where is goes...no one knows but the journey is one worth taking...

Tyler Knew...The Wolfman has nards

Turk 182!

I remember this movie vividly from my childhood. It was one of those movies where as a kid, I didn't know what the hell was going on but I liked it. It is the story of a two bit criminal named Jimmy and his plan to take down the Mayor of New York City. The story really isn't that simple. Timothy Hutton plays Jimmy and loves his brother Terry "Turk" Lynch. One night when Terry is off duty, the apartment building across from the bar Terry is drinking in catches fire. As a fireman, Terry rushes headlong into the fire and saves a little girl. Unfortunately he is blasted by a fire hose out a second story window and injures himself. The insurance company refuses to pay out because Terry was drunk at the time. It is one of those ridiculous moments when common sense should override the "rules" but Terry is denied and unable to work, he loses most everything. Jimmy is incensed and takes it downtown to plead with the Mayor for assistance in his brother's case. When he is turned down and the mayor calls Terry a "drunk", Jimmy vandalizes the mayor's office with all the rejection letters. Mayor Tyler believes that Terry did it so he sends over a his heavy handed police thug (Peter Doyle or Raymond's Dad) to get him to confess. Soon Terry is in the hospital after a suicide attempt fails.

So Jimmy goes on a campaign of vandalism against the "anti-vandalism" Mayor through major public displays. At a new subway that claims to be Anti-graffitti and then the scoreboard of a New York Giants Football game. All bearing the message Turk - 182 which is a combination of his brother's nickname and the number on his fire helmet. Timothy Dutton, who has gone on to be in some great movies and TV (like the criminally underrated Leverage) is still relatively young here and the performance is not his best. Robert Urich, Peter Doyle and Kim Cattrall (as a social worker looking into Terry's case who takes a shine to Jimmy) all perform admirably but the story and acting is not why you go to this movie. It is the high shenanigans that Jimmy gets into. The last scene on the Brooklyn Bridge is perhaps one of the most ridiculous and fun scenes I've seen. They play for drama but it hits as a comedy. There is not a great reason to love this movie but do you need one? I love Star Wars but it isn't just for one reason. The same here. It is just a fun movie that you would like to watch. Don't think too deeply on it. It just is.

 

Mr. Unhappy Sez: Turk 182! is not great and not a story that leaves you with profound theories on life and why we live it. It is a movie and an entertaining one. Just for the nostalgia.

 

 

  The Monster Squad

Kids...we have no sense. I remember this movie as being one of my favorites. Watching it now I am reminded of the nostalgia and my impassioned love of it but for the life of me, I can't see why. The Monster Squad is one of those what if movies. What if the movie monsters from our parents youth (Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy, The Wolfman and The creature from the Black Lagoon) are all real and working together to take over the world and plunge it into darkness. The only hope for humanity (because no parents believe in this garbage anymore) are a ragtag Goonies -lite group of kids calling themselves The Monster Squad. The movie spends most of it's time setting up the Squad and Frankenstein as a soft headed cuddly nice guy who likes to drink tea with little girls. This is not a great movie but it is fun and enjoyable and "Goonies"ish in it's storytelling. These kids are on an adventure and they end up saving the world. Sorry...spoilers. And it has perhaps the best exchange in movie history. 

 

"Kick him in the nards!" 

"Wolfman don't have nards!"

Boy kicks Wolfman in nards...wolfman falls.

In pure childlike amazement... "Wolfmans gots nards!"

 

OK maybe not in movie history but it's close.

 

Mr. Unhappy sez: It's a joy to watch and something to enjoy with your children... or by yourself...no judgement...

 

 Some Unhappy Fun Facts about The Monster Squad:

 

 

 

 

 

Kidnapping for dummies...

I've held a belief that movies can heal most anything. When I am sick, I want nothing more than to curl up and watch a movie. When I am lonely I watch a movie. When I am happy, the movies can keep my attitude moving in the right direction. I remember in the pilot of Dawson's Creek (written by my screenwriting twin brother Kevin Williamson) Dawson explained to Jen (Michelle Williams) that the answer to all life problems can be solved through the movies of Steven Spielberg. While I don't have an unabashed love of the berg...I do think the premise is valid. I live it. I've gotten through losing a job, losing a girlfriend, having a bad day or just needing to hide through the flickering motion pictures of my lifetime. With Netflix it is now easier to find the movies you need at the palm of your hands. Lost your lady or manly love? Ooooo here is a movie that shows you that losing the person you think you should be with can lead to the person you are destined to be with. Need to blow off some steam? Here's an action movie that has a higher body count than most horror movies. Want to see some popular kids get slapped around and murdered by a psychopath in a hockey mask? Here's Jason. Sometimes you just need to stop livin and get to relaxin. You can't fall into the black hole of despair if your friends Han Solo, Indiana Jones and Jack Ryan. Find your inner movie character and enjoy living through their somewhat improbable stories. That's your homework. 

To help, here are some good movies streaming on Netflix....

Suicide Kings

I owe the enjoyment of this movie to a co-worker who came in and told me to see it. His name was Eric Smith. I remember seeing this the first time and subsequently every other time I've shown this movie to someone, they have all had a similar reaction. Oh these guys are fucking dead. Suicide Kings is the story of four friends who, when one of their sisters is kidnapped, come up with the plan to kidnap a retired mobster (played with zeal by Christopher Walken) and have him pay the ransom. Whatever happens to her, happens to him. Oh...these guys are fucking dead. Jay Mohr, Eliot from E.T., Leonard from Big Bang Theory and Sean Patrick Flannery are the guys who are fucking dead. This is one of those movies where you watch just to see what happens. Will Ira (Johnny Galecki) survive because he is the man? Will Denis Leary's bodyguard find the hapless kidnappers and get the sister back? Will Walken turn four lifelong friends on each other? That's the key to this movie. The general power of Walken's character to assess the situation and turn it to his advantage. He is cordial and sweet, flattering them while always being that one step ahead of his captors. This is one of the rare breed of movies that keeps you guessing and cheering throughout. Don't let this pass you by. It is one of my favorite movies of all time. Just a great movie.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: It's worth watching just for the running commentary on fish boots. 

Unbreakable

Do you remember when a movie by M. Night Shyamalan meant that you would be an instant "Oh take my money!" moment? No? I agree that the Happening was strangely awkward and just lame (cue Mark Wahlberg's "What...no?") and The Lady in the Water was an overstuffed movie with too much involved to be taken seriously. Don't even get me started on Airbending or After Earth...the latter seemed to spend a lot of time distancing itself from M. Night. If you want to see solid promising film making and the slow burn moody suspense that he originally brought us, see The Sixth Sense (I see dead people...), Signs (Swing away, Merle) and to a lesser extent The Village (there are no memorable quotes but seeing Bryce Dallas Howard stumble around the woods as a blind girl is worth it for the most part). Those movies set forth a premise and slowly built to a moment where you were both surprised and happy with the resolution. People will complain about Signs and the resolution but seriously the same issue is true in any alien movie. War of the Worlds, Independence Day are full of "Oh you gotta be fucking kidding me..." moments. Still, the movies were great. His second movie, Unbreakable falls into this great stream of movies. After Sixth Sense and before Signs when he wasn't quite the douche bag he would become. It stars Bruce Willis as the lone survivor of a train crash who emerged from the wreck uninjured. Throughout the movie which deals with lost love, family, comics, the hero and the villain, we are drawn through the path Willis takes to becoming a hero that can do real good in the world. It is a story for the comic book geek in me and made me love the super hero story again after the debacle of Batman and Robin. It was a movie that I would dare say was a precursor to The Dark Knight Trilogy of movies that too the world of super heroes and brought it into reality.

Mr. Unhappy sez: I know that recommending a M. Night Shyamalan movie is risky. I'm not worried. If you don't like this one, I don't wanna know you.

 

Hitch

 

My first two movies were mostly made for guys and don't give you too many warm and fuzzy moments. I mean Denis Leary with the toaster in Suicide Kings gives me goosebumps but not for the reason you think. So I've lightened the mood a little and am gonna give you Hitch. Kevin James and Will Smith star in this romantic comedy as a romantic loser (James) and the date guru (Smith) who helps him land the woman of his dreams by breaking through all the bullshit that women put in their way to rule out matches quickly based on superficial and sometimes insane reasons. Eva Mendes stars as a reporter who is cynical and doubtful of love who catches Hitch's eye and shows that even the smoothest of operators is quickly undone by the woman of his dreams. It's hard to try not to mess up a relationship. Take it from me who has ruined more love than given it.  Hitch is a smart movie that starts one way and ends in a completely different spot. Is the dating consultant the reason these people fell in love? Or was he just a catalyst to get two people that belong together to see one another. I am constantly left smiling when watching this movie. It gives me faith in love and humanity. It makes sense and also is just damn entertaining. What more do you want? A cookie?

Mr. Unhappy sez: This is a fun, engaging romantic movie. Watch it with someone you love or like me, think about that girl you still have feelings for but aren't allowed to speak of. It can give you hope, which is dangerous and well hopeful.

Down To You

 

 

This is not a good movie. I left that in bold to give you a warning that this movie will most likely give you a headache of ridiculousness. Freddie Prinze Jr and Julia Stiles are not the best story of love ever but for some reason I like it. It has a message of desperation and need that leads me to believe that sometimes fighting for what you want is what you need to do. In many ways this is a story of two vastly different people who fall in love and then struggle to maintain it. Freddie is a producer for his TV cook dad (this was big in the 90's) and Julia Stiles is Imogen, the hippie girl who steals his heart. What I enjoy is that the movie doesn't gloss over what it takes to make things last. My one major complaint about the expectations people have of falling in love is that trouble never happens. That the person you love doesn't drive you slightly mad. Love is madness. Who would sign up for this disease that can both make you happy and drop you to the depths of despair when getting out of bed is seemingly impossible if they had a choice? The lesson learned is that you can't control love. Sometimes you just have to go for it and commit to it and hope that the person you're with makes that same decision. Sometimes you win and sometimes (like me) you lose and sit around wondering what could have been smelling her shampoo (not so much like me) until it just about drives you mad. Moving on is what everyone tells you to do. Sometimes (and this movie tells this side of the story) you just have to hope that the decision you made to love someone isn't gonna change regardless of who you sleep with or try to move on with. Sometimes it comes (quite cheesily) down to them. That's the truth.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Don't be fooled, this movie is cheesy and overwrought but sometimes life gives you a need and this movie fulfills that need. That and an appreciation for Barry White and women's shampoo.