Quick Hits: Coming Soon

Quick Hits:

Coming Soon…

No not that way… dirty mind…clean it up…Orbit Gum…

this title is ridiculously long aaaaaand…

I’m not sure if you saw it…

 but I dropped product placement in there too...

                I was lamenting the loneliness of an empty theater in my last blog entry and for that movie a raucous crowd is not only helpful but required. When you go into a party movie, you expect a certain amount of whooping it up (geez I sound old) what with the teenagers and their Hanson rock music (figured I might as well go for it if I am going to sound like a grandpa).  But the point is that with a movie like Project X, you need a crowd to feed off of and raise the fun of the movie. The Hangover is really rather depressing when you watch it by yourself…a wolf pack of one. Now this past Saturday, I braved the crowds to see the new movie Silent House with the better Olsen (not a twin) Elizabeth. The movie was only partially filled when the movie started and as the trailers began, an entire polka band began to stomp their way down the aisles looking for a seat. Mind you, there are 10-15 people total in the theater already. The movie trailers end and the movie begins with a wonderful shot of Elizabeth Olsen on a scenic rock formation and then two people come into frame and slide across the row of seats and one sits while the other stands there taking a fricking drink order. By the time this genius finally sat his worthless ass down; Elizabeth was cowering under a table in the house. What happened to lead us here?! Damn you and your need for soft drinks and nutter butters (trying to sound crotchety old man like is hard)!

                I bring this up for two reasons. One, the presence of this gentleman in the theater after the feature had begun took me out of the movie.  I don’t understand how difficult it is to get out of the house and get to a movie on time. Let’s say you have a choice between rushing out of the house at the last second and missing the first five minutes of a movie or taking your time and seeing a slightly later show. I, for one, would choose the latter. It is not a difficult thing to get ready to go to a movie. You don’t need to look pretty and let’s face it folks, slathering on a few pounds of makeup is not going to make you into Angelina and her twittering leg. Not to mention you are in the dark. Presentable is the maximum amount of effort you need to put into going to the movies. Wear sweatpants for crissakes! Not a night on the town. Also you are disturbing the movie and ruining it with your endless dance of this row…no this one. Pick a row, in a theater not filled to capacity it takes 10 seconds max.  Hey are these two seats empty and not directly next to someone. Good…sit. Not hard my friends.

 The second reason is that you ruin the movie for yourself. You rush to get out of the house, end up in line at the box office wishing just one of the group of 10 teenagers would figure out what they want to “see” before they sneak into the R rated movie with the boobies, and then you get into the movie late and have to leave so your wife/girlfriend can have some Goobers (I need to help prop up the Goobers industry lest they go out of business and deprive people of chocolate covered peanuts). When you come back, having found the snack bar completely devoid of Goobers and ended up getting Reese’s Pieces, the movie has been running for 15 minutes and you’ve missed most of Act 1! Why? I would love to propose that movie theaters impose an 8 minute late time limit. If you can’t arrive by that time when the trailers end, you should go to the next show. It is fair for you. Now unrushed, you can go to CVS and buy the elusive Goobers which will probably lead to a satisfied girlfriend/wife which leads to a satisfied you…or your penis. Not to mention that it would stop the endless procession of people who have no idea how to use their inside voices traipsing through the theater interrupting your enjoyment and raised eyebrow yes or no game on the movie trailers. Oh yeah and I wouldn’t have to kill you with a Goober! Yep folks, I am riding the Goober bandwagon into the ground.

Speaking of Trailers, I am now going to give you a quick eyebrow up (interested) or eyebrow down (unsure, not curious at all) about some of the movie previews on our screens today. Feel free to check them out on Youtube and tell me how much of an ass I am. It keeps me humble...

American Reunion

                Jim, Stifler, the kid from Rookie of the Year, Finch and the idiot one are back going to what has to be their 10th reunion. You don’t see much in this preview of a movie that most probably wouldn’t have been clamoring for in the first place. Yet there is something fascinating about the Pie movies. They hold a bit of your youth and a time when the height of humor was Jason Biggs making sweet love to his mother’s warm apple pie. I will definitely see this….if for nothing more than to see if Shannon Elizabeth’s enhanced bosom is still sitting high or is it dropping like it’s hot.

Mr. Unhappy sez: cocked eyebrow…and yes I did mean it that way. I need me some Orbitz.

Men in Black 3

                Yet another retread of an early 2000 movie franchise. Isn’t this movie like 5 years too late? Do people remember the original MIB or the hit song that scores it? All I remember from that time is Linda Fiorentino as a sex symbol (a stretch even in a movie about an aliens and rays that erase memories) and my friend Teresa running to the front of the theater to “bounce with it” as the credits rolled. Both memories make me shake my head. Yet they are back, Tommy Lee Jones as K gets the dust knocked off him and Will Smith comes back to play J with all his snarky one liners and general confusion. I think the really intriguing part is Josh Brolin as the young K. It is eerie how much he can sound like Tommy Lee Jones. It is as though he were training for this role. There is time travel, aliens, humor and probably a Willow/ Jaden Smith musical collaboration somewhere which Teresa can dance to. I’ll go.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: One eyebrow up, The Rock style.

The Cabin in the Woods

                While watching this preview I am drawn to this movie because it seems to both have horror movie clichés and turns those cliché’s on their head. I also enjoy the idea that this whole situation may be controlled by some evil filmmaker who wants to make a slasher movie by using real people. It also brings up the idea that other than Kevin Bacon and Johnny Depp, who else who has died in a horror movie has gone on to have a career? Maybe all these slasher movies are really just ways to get rid of pretty but not overly attractive actresses who have boobs but not much talent and their meathead boyfriends. I’m not saying, I am just saying.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: Eyebrow up with a nod. It’s on.

Lockout

              I’ve seen this movie before. Prison in an unlikely and cost prohibitive area, President’s daughter captured and held hostage, only one man for the job. Guy (literally Guy) breaks into prison and saves the President’s daughter. Is it just me or is this movie Escape from New York/ L.A. but done in space and with enough subtle changes that Vanilla Ice is the only one who sees the difference? Guy Pearce plays Snake…I mean Snow who goes aboard a space prison in which the inmates run the asylum. Donald Pleasance is played here by Lost’s Maggie Grace and she probably grabs a gun and over kills the Mansonesque guy whilst screaming “Ayyy! Number Onnee! You’re the Duke! You’re the duke!” Of course in this version he’ll be called the Earl or the Prince. It does appear like it will be a fun prison escape movie and who doesn't love those? Will I see it? Not sure but I think I’ve seen it already.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Eyebrows furrowed in confusion. I’ve paid for this before.

The Raven

                A madman is making Edgar Allen Poe’s worst come to life and the only man who can stop him is the master detective…Edgar Allen Poe. John Cusak plays the writer and seems to plunge headlong through the movie chasing a myseterious spectre who loves to make The Tell Tale Heart or The Pit and The Pendulum come to life. There seems to be a From Hell vibe throughout the movie. All I can say is that when Cusak speaks as Poe, I can see Edgar Allen Poe. When he begins yelling or screaming in anger…it is all Cusak. I’ve heard it in 1409, Identity, etc. So many things about this movie intrigue me, including what I call the “good death” factor but is it worth the 11.00 dollars? Also period pieces make my scrote hurt.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: To misuse a song from the John cusak classic, Better Off Dead: Everybody wants some (dead bodies!)…you want some too (dead bodies!). It was really that or "He has his testicles all over me (dead bodies!)." That seemed to Popeyesque and slightly sexually confusing. Cocked eyebrow.

The Three Stooges

                I have a hope that this may be the vehicle that makes Will Sasso a star. I tire of saying his name and having people stare at me like I just said the name of the guy down the street with all the cats. I fear it will not. It seems like a bunch of retread of original Three Stooges material except…wait for it…it is set in our time. It is a classic fish out of water story. Like when they made The Brady Bunch Movie or The Addams Family or The Mod Squad or countless other movies based on OK television programs.  I was mildly amused with the Three Stooges before. I fear now I will find nothing amusing. Moe with Snooki from Jersey Shore. Thanks…I’ve been waiting to laugh my colon off.  Oh wait, I confused your film with taking a crap. That routine, that stinky and that boring.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Eyes closed with a head shake. No sir, you fooled me with The Brady’s, you shall not fool me again... and that again is the Canadien “a – gain” not the American again.

And Finally…

Battleship

Quickest Hit Ever! Can someone get me some good scripts for Riggins from Friday Night Lights?!

Mr. Unhappy Sez: I’ll wait till the sequel when the aliens will slide down chutes and then climb mysterious ladders. Head shake no.

Up Next:

Silent House

Or

How I spent 90 minutes in Elizabeth Olsen's Cleavage