The 2nd Annual Golden Unhappy's!

The 2nd Annual Golden Unhappy Awards

Welcome to the 2nd Annual Golden Unhappy Awards! (pause for applause aaaand go) 

To fully explain how we come to our decisions I’d like to introduce the senior legal advisor for the law offices of Mist, Erun, Happ and Yee…. Mr. Gerry Happ!

“The results are calculated using numerous algorithms and formulas. After careful consideration each member of the 1 person academy is sent a final ballot. Final Ballots for this year’s awards were mailed on December 24th but failed to go out until the 26th due to the birth of Christ. All voters (in this case the lone vote of Mr. Unhappy himself) must mail their ballots so they will be received no later than the 29th of December. Anything later will not be counted and the awards would be canceled. The painstaking task of counting votes takes place over a 1 hour period in which the whole process is watched over by me and Mr. Simon Yee until we realize that only one person voted and therefore the awards are picked by the irrational thoughts of a slightly disturbed individual. It really is quite a waste of money…”

Erm yes, yes! Thank you Mr. Happ. Please take your seat. I’ll kill you later. Now a brief musical interlude here is Thamys:

                    

Wow, that was awful. Sorry I thought when they booked this girl that she was able to sing and not just rape my childhood worse than Michael Bay redoing Star Wars. Yeesh. The only thing that would have made that better would have been guy jumping through her mirror and hit her in the head with a hammer, like the classic French film Fat Girl. Yet we cannot always be rewarded with such a brilliant twist of fate like that.

Now onto the awards… We begin with the award for Best Achievement in Elevating the Craft of Movies of a Horrific Variety or Best Horror Movie of 2012…To present this award: Me. That’s all I got? We were supposed to have Clooney….who says he is too big for this? Can’t I get Fucking Affleck? 

Best Horror Movie of 2012

The Cabin in the Woods

There are probably a lot of movies that deserve to be here. For every Evil Dead 2 or Halloween, there is a Sleepaway Camp or Friday the 13th Part 3. A lot of people would look at Cabin in the Woods and say that as far as truly horrific horror it was a light weight bubble gum pop horror movie. They would be right but the true genius of the movie is not in the story that plays onscreen about bubble headed blondes, a-hole jocks, virgins and a token stoner. The movie becomes horrific as you watch the Behind the Scenes moments with Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford. The mundane indifference to what they do is funny but in the process of a horror movie becomes horrific when you see what they actually do for a living. While the movie is filled with humor and classic horror movie moments, they are created for the enjoyment of turning them on their head. This is a new Scream but done much better. The viewer roots for the kids to make it through but you know that if they did, they would most likely end up in the sequel’s first scene getting killed after getting out of the shower and scared a few times by their screechy cat leaping in front of them. The Cabin in the Woods not only makes effective horror but creates a world for the characters literally and then turns that world on its ear by breaking stereotypes.  This movie was the beginning of Joss Whedon’s coming out party this year and it gives you typical Joss Whedon moments while satisfying the needs of the fans.  The Cabin in The Woods is fun, horrific, and bloody enough for the vile fans of Hostel fans and light hearted enough for a teen comedy fan. It truly is a movie for all comers. That elevates the genre and is why I would consider it the best Horror Movie of the year.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Boobs, Blood, Zombies and Boobs (cause there are always two boobs in a horror movie), what more could a guy ask for. It does not have the shocking horror of a Megan Is Missing (Last year’s winner) but it does make the genre better.

Best Hot Actor

Daniel Craig, Skyfall

I don’t swing that way but if I was Javier Bardem’s Silva, I could see why he would want Craig’s 007. Daniel Craig is the type of guy Men want to be and the type of guy women wish their men could be. Between him and Ryan Gosling, guys around the world are always slightly less attractive…

Mr. Unhappy Sez: Daniel Craig is a hell of an actor and from the sighs I hear when he gets shirtless, he must be hot too. I might have used one of the Magic Mike guys here, but I attempt to avoid banana hammock movies in general. 

Best Hot Actress

Emma Stone, The Amazing Spider-man and The Gangster Squad

What hasn’t she touched that has not turned into gold? Emma Stone has a great personality, a smoky sexy voice, that red hair that won’t quit and even as a blond the ability to act her way out of the most absurd circumstances. Her boyfriend was Spider-man for crissakes and she pulled that off better than Kirsten Dunst ever did. Not to mention her career so far… I cannot simply give this award to the hottest girl every year.  Well I could but in this case, it would still be Emma Stone.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: If Emma isn’t getting your juices a flowing, you may want to seek medical attention. Also seek medical attention if your erection due to Emma Stone last longer than four hours as this could be a sign of a more serious condition… like being a guy and liking women.

Most Awkward sex scene

Ted and Tammy Lynne in “Ted”

People have always wondered how a teddy bear could have sex with a hot woman if a teddy bear was alive and had the sex drive of the average guy. I mean there is no penis and a strap on seems to take away the spontaneity... What you haven’t wondered about this? Hmm, that was just me then? Damn. Now I feel like a weirdo. I mean come on who hasn’t looked at a Teddy Ruxpin and wondered “Bet he could give her the dirty Fozzie” to paraphrase Ted. Ted, in general, was a symphony of awkward moments. Giovanni Ribisi’s dance to “I think we’re alone now”, The actor who played Flash Gordon tackling an Asian man named Ming,  Four strippers and a Teddy Bear sitting in a room with a shit and not noticing. Yet the scene when the manager of the super market where Ted works catching Tammy Lynne having sex on a sack of parsnips while Ted yells for her to stick her finger in his tag, takes the cake. It is hilarious, awkward and sadly sexy. Really? That’s just me?

Mr. Unhappy sez:  I am disturbed and happy to see that no one was harmed during the sex scene. A rug burn downstairs seems like a bad idea.

Best Actor

Mark Duplass, Safety Not Guaranteed

Nothing is more annoying that going into a movie about time travel and having some worthless Doc Brown imitating guy who has wild hair and a hope to stop the assassination of JFK. That is what makes Safety Not Guaranteed such an interesting movie. The movie revolves around a group of three reporters (one established reporter and two interns) who come to a small town to write a story on the crazy eccentric Kenneth Calloway who places an ad in the paper looking for someone to travel back in time with. Mark Duplass (The League and Your Sister’s Sister) plays Kenneth deadly serious. What he intends to do is dangerous and in turn he needs someone who is capable of handling. Whether or not Kenneth is crazy is debatable but he is a sympathetic character and I rooted for him. This movie deserves recognition for taking a hard subject like Time Travel and grounding it in reality. Most of that responsibility falls on Mark Duplass and he handles it well. Now with turns in “Zero Dark Thirty” and his writing/directing of “Jeff, Who Lives at Home” his star is starting to rise.

Mr. Unhappy sez: I love him in The League and I hope he people begin to notice the great work he is doing. 

Best Actress

Emma Watson, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Our little Hermione has growns up. In The Perks of Being a Wallflower she plays a damaged and self hating girl who accepts poor substitutes for love because she is so damaged she doesn’t think she deserves anything better. What really resonates with me about the movie and Watson’s performance is that I know this girl as Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter movies and the lustful thoughts of pervs around the world. Yet she inhabits the character of Sam with a maturity that we began to see towards the end of the Potter series. It seems unfair to forever link this talented young actress to Potter but try to think of a Emma Watson movie….I’ll wait….90 percent thought Potter first. I know you’d tell me “No I thought of Ballet Shoes, a TV movie from 2007.” But that is what I like to call bullshit. Emma Watson makes you forget Hermione for 2 hours and you marvel in the performance she gives. It reaches you and smartly doesn’t make you feel sorry for Sam. She is becoming a great actress. I worry about the upcoming movie The Bling Ring because I think she’s taken a step out of the Potter shadow and I don’t want to see this girl pushed back in.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Nobody puts Emma in a corner. Unless Emma wants to be in a corner then corners are OK for Emma but that really does take the wind out of my nobody puts Emma in a corner line... it is decided then. No corners for Emma.

 

Best Movie Currently on Netflix Instant Watch

The Game

This was really just going to be the Netflix pick of the week but I do want to recommend it. The story is about Michael Douglas, a rich yet chronically unfulfilled man whose brother (played with just the right amount of slacker by Sean Penn) gives him a birthday present which will “make life interesting.”  Nicholas (Douglas) takes him up on the offer on a whim and learns that the gift is a game. Each game is specifically tailored to the individual and satisfaction is guaranteed. The movie goes off from there with car chases, taxis being driven into San Francisco Bay, a plot to steal all of Nicholas’ money and the culmination of the story on the rooftop of a building and a slightly improbable ending. I don’t want to ruin it for you but just think about whether Nicholas staggered to the other side of the building. I watch it so much, I can now use it as a movie I can drift off to sleep to. That’s not to say the movie is boring, it is very engaging but the movie is so engrained in my mind that I can simply close my eyes and picture it. I saw this movie when it came out in theaters and I was very impressed with it.  Don’t take my word for it. Doubt me. Just watch the movie to prove that I suck. Just watch the movie. It is worth your time.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: The Game is the David Fincher movie no one saw but everyone should have.

Best Animated Movie

Wreck It Ralph

There is a fine line between a kid’s movie and a movie made for kids who are in their 30’s. Wreck It Ralph succeeds at being both. If you’ve ever wondered what happened to the video game characters when you turned off the game, this movie is for you. Ralph is a one note bad guy in a game called Fix-It Felix who wants more with life than just wrecking things and getting thrown off the roof like Donkey Kong. He explores those feelings in a support group filled with video game bad guys.  Part of the fun is trying to remember them so I will not go into a detailed list.  Wreck It Ralph is a great movie for folks (like Mr. Unhappy) who feel like the outsiders in their world. It shows that even though you may not have everything you want, you are still a valid essential part of life. This is a message you want your kids to learn before they step into teenager hell and are thrown through the wringer. Wreck It Ralph is one of those movies I want to buy so I can show my kids someday…if that happens. Until then, I’ll just enjoy the video game references to my childhood.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Wreck it Ralph makes everyone feel useful and needed. Isn’t that really all anyone wants?

Best End of the World Movie

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

What would you do if a giant meteor named Matilda was coming to destroy the Earth? If you were Dodge Petersen’s (Steve Carell) adulterous wife Linda, you’d jump out of the car and run to be with your lover. This is how the world’s end begins in Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, the long titled apocalypse romantic comedy starring Steve Carell and Keira Knightley. It was an odd casting choice to have Keira Knightley play opposite Steve Carell as a potential love interest. Yet it works for the simple reason that if the world was ending would you still have the same bias and issues with a potential love interest? I can see someone who now doesn’t care what someone looks like or how much money they make and you can actually make a connection. The movie is essentially a road movie as Knightley and Carell’s characters travel to reconnect Dodge with his childhood sweetheart, Olivia. Yet as the movie goes on you see the connection and chemistry Dodge and Penny (Knightley) have and you begin to root for them. Not that Olivia seems like a bad person, it is just that you can see that at this moment, in this time, at the end of everything, these two really belong together. It is perhaps the sweetest and most romantic end of the world movie ever. For that reason alone, a soft romantic like me has to choose it.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: I love a good love story…where 5 billion people are wiped out.

Best Adapted From a Book Movie

The Hunger Games

A movie based on a book is very rarely good. In fact you mostly lose all the flavor of the book and end up with the Twilight Saga films. Good movies that seem a little forced to give the moments fans of the books want to see. The Hunger Games does not do that. Every detail of the book seems in place and none of it seems wedged in there for no reason. You are very much in Katniss Everdeen’s head as she is chosen as one of 24 tributes (two from each district of Panem, the mythical post apocalypse land in the former United States) who will fight to the death for the amusement of their leaders and to prove to the districts who is in charge. The winner will be given a life of carefree living, forever provided for by the Capitol. I’ve already stated my love for Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook but this movie was probably the movie that brought her immense talent to the eyes of the viewing public. She doesn’t disappoint. Even the supporting cast (Woody Harrelson, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, Elizabeth Banks and Donald Sutherland) have a great ability to raise what could have been Twilight/Harry Potter meets Death Race to a movie with a heart. The whole movie captures the book and I cannot wait to see what they do with the next book Catching Fire.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Death, Violence, Explosions, brutality on a Lord of The Flies level? What is not to love?

Best Movie Featuring Men in Tights

The Avengers

You gotta admit that it took balls. This movie was something we’d never seen before from a Superhero movie. It took a group of individual “heroes” and put them in the same movie but more importantly made it work. Joss Whedon deserves the best director academy award just for that alone. Making a movie with more than one superhero and not making it seem desperate. Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and The Hulk (in his best incarnation to date) all exploded through the screen to make a movie that flowed well, didn’t seemed like they had to wedge heroes in and created a sense of happiness in fan boy hearts everywhere (including the dead heart of yours truly). The Epic final battle scene alone lifted above The Dark Knight Rises. It is also one of the first comic book movies that killed a beloved character (I don’t count the Rachel Dawes killing in Dark Knight because no one cared) and didn’t apologize. Can you imagine if they had killed Commissioner Gordon in Dark Knight Rises? The death of Agent Coulson in the Avengers was treated with respect and was a pivotal plot point. The Avenger raised the stakes for all Superhero movies to come. Even The Dark Knight Rises seemed to pale in comparison. And that is saying something.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: I love a good epic battle movie. I love a good epic battle movie with an actual story, that is well acted and well written even more.

Best Comedy or Musical

Silver Linings Playbook

I don’t know if this is meant to be a comedy but there are a lot of laughs and moments when you chuckle to yourself. I find that any movie which is about two people meeting cute and then developing into love is probably at least considered a romantic comedy. This is not a Nicholas Sparks tear jerker and not a laugh out loud hilarious movie like Ted but this movie has laughs and heart and crazy people. Who doesn’t like that? The story of a down on his luck guy who gets out of the loony bin and meets a woman is every bit as crazy as he is. They begin to hang out, one to find love and the other to get back the love he lost, and slowly they begin to fall for each other. I think what makes this movie sweet is the genuine affection the actors seem to have with each other. Robert DeNiro is great as a slightly unstable head of house that needs his remotes to face the right way during Eagle games. Bradley Cooper is brilliant as a bipolar man who is trying to get his life back. Finally Jennifer Lawrence is brilliant as the widow who blames herself for her husband’s death and tries desperately to find her way back from the edge. I think the great thing about this movie is that it shows that even the people who are sane are still crazy in their own way.


Mr. Unhappy sez: See it and tell me you didn’t laugh. Plus there is a dance scene that puts Dirty Dancing to shame. 

__________________________________________________________________



Wait Ben Affleck isn’t even here to accept his award for best picture? Jesus did you send the invitations? You sent them on the 25th? That’s Christmas you moron! Did you paste them to the mailbox? 

Oh we're back! Sorry…and to present the final award for best picture, here is the unhappiest of unhappy people, Mr. Unhappy! 

The best movie of the year last year went to the Joseph Gordon Leavitt movie “50/50”. We tried to get Joseph or Anna Kendrick (especially her the saucy minx) to pick up their award but they both seemed to think I was some obsessed stalker and placed a restraining order on me. 500 feet, I mean what is 500 feet?I could still kill…I mean hug someone from 500 feet. Just kidding guys. 

So we were supposed to have Ben Affleck here tonight but SOMEONE forgot to send the notification out until Christmas Day which means that it will get to him right about next year. But let me speak a little on the winner for Best Picture of 2012… Argo.

Best Movie of 2012

Argo

Argo is the true story of trapped American diplomats in Iran during the Iran Hostage Crisis in 1979. I was 1 when this happened so I can’t vouch for the historical accuracy of the film but the 1970’s hair and cars are authentic enough from what I’ve seen. The story revolves around Tony Mendez, a specialist in getting people out of potentially life threatening situations for the CIA. He comes up with the best worst plan to get the 6 diplomats hiding in the basement at the friendly Canadian Ambassador's house (cause no one suspects the wily Canucks) by creating a fake movie that will allow the 6 Americans to walk out of Iran as a Canadian film crew. The movie (which has most of the cast of Kevin Smith’s Red State) is a tightly wound script and the direction by Mr. Affleck is expertly done. That Ben has gone on to be perhaps a better director than actor (although I still claim his work in Reindeer Games was underappreciated) is a testament to the hard work he puts into all his films. The stories Ben tells are all about a guy put in a position too big for him and how he overcomes long odds. Yet each movie seems like a different beast. I’d be curious to see what Ben Affleck would do with one of the new Star Wars films. His eye and ability to create stunning, gripping stories lead me to believe that his best work is yet to come.  Argo is the type of movie that you don’t mind sitting and watching because every moment is worth it. It is rare that a movie does not have a scene where you wonder why it was in the movie. Argo doesn’t have one scene that seems out of place or forced to fit the actor’s ego. Ben Affleck creates the world, the time, the situation and pays it all off in a satisfying conclusion. It’s no secret that they make it out of Iran but how they do it is perhaps the most compelling thing I’ve seen this year. That is why it is the Best Movie of 2012.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: If you don’t believe me that Argo is the best movie of 2012. Arrrr go fuck yourself.

__________________________________________________________________


Well that concludes the second annual Golden Unhappy Awards! (wait for applause to die down aaaaand go) 

Coming up in 2013 look for The Worsties of 2012 and a whole bunch of new reviews.  Maybe even a Hall Of Fame Induction for a certain John Cusack movie about being better off dead. Unless I get lazy or laid… and this is possible…The former more likely than the latter. 

We’ve run a little long so I know that I’ve got to cut it short but I just want to say that without my one reader I would be lost. We'd also like to give a shout out the increase in cleavage this year at the cinema... Jennifer Lawrence and Elizabeth Olsen you know what I am saying.... Thank you to whoever finished this epically long blog from me and goodni…

We now join this more relevant blog, already in progress. 

Your Silver Lining...

To reintroduce myself and to make penance for being such a naughty little reviewer this Summer and Fall: My name is Mr. Unhappy. You may remember me from such blogs as Mission Impossible 4: Weird Nipples and The House may be silent but Elizabeth Olsen tots are loud and clear. How could I possibly be gone for so long without writing and telling you all what movies to see? You guys have depended on me to be the beacon for what is good and decent in this world of cinema.

Well to partially explain, I went to a midnight show in a theater in this small Colorado suburb…but perhaps that joke is a bit too soon?

The truth is this.  Blockbuster season while fantastic as a moviegoer really messes with me as a movie reviewer. No matter what, if I stood from the rooftop and screamed that The Amazing Spider-man was neither amazing nor Spidermanny would you have said “Nah, I heard it wasn’t spidery enough.” So I do regret not reviewing for a while. I meant to get back to it but the damn movies coming out were so lame.  Dredd, A Finding Nemo rerelease, Resident Evil : Retribution, The Bourne Legacy, Pitch Perfect and Piranha 3DD all left me void of any real excitement to write about them but now I am back…as Arnold said in The Expendables 2.  I do understand that I need to do better. So hold me to it. In the meantime I have a silver lining to this whole half year break.... and that silver lining is Jennifer Lawrence.

The Silver Linings Playbook

Can I say how much I love Jennifer Lawrence? I mean this girl can do no wrong in my book. I’m trying to figure out how I could have found an article in which people said she was too fat to play Katniss in The Hunger Games. The girl has some curves. In many circles that is considered sexier than some girl whose ribs you can count whilst banging them. I mean sure it gives you something to focus on and keep the peep from going off too early but when did it become a bad thing to put your hand on someone’s waist and feel something other than a sharp poke of their hip? Feel something when they press against you. Curves are sexy and contrary to popular belief, even in the districts of the Hunger Games, women can be starving and curvy. Yet all this is besides the point. Jennifer Lawrence is more than just a good looking woman, she is a tremendous actress. Smart, funny (at least in the interviews I’ve seen) and instantly someone you want to root for. The last bit is why I write about her here. 

In The Silver Linings Playbook, Jennifer Lawrence plays Tiffany, a widow who lost the love of her life far too early and as a result is a little bit crazy and quite a bit rock and roll. Bradley Cooper plays Pat Solitano, a man who also lost the love of his life after finding his wife was cheating on him in the shower with a history teacher. Sure he (understandably) beat the man so severely they locked him into a mental institution for 8 months but both these people have lost the person who their world revolved around. Tiffany lost her husband in death and Pat lost his in a restraining order.

As it turns out Pat was living undiagnosed with bipolar disorder. As he says in his therapists office, he was basically white knuckling through his life. Now all Pat can do is work on himself, get in shape and become the man his wife would want. He doesn’t see that she was cheating on him or the restraining order, he just sees that he needs to put his life back together and it all begins with his wife Nikki. Tiffany see through all the BS and sees Pat’s craziness for what it is. His desperate struggle to put back in order what so easily fell out of order. 

After being released into his parents care, Pat begins to try to put things back together with varying successes. He reads Nikki’s high school class book list in order to take an interest in her teaching. He runs obsessively to lose weight and become a man Nikki would want. He reunites with his best friend who invites him to dinner with his wife who is also Nikki’s best friend. While at dinner he comes face to face with Lawrence’s Tiffany who is so like him he tries to distance himself. Instantly there is an attraction but Pat cannot be bothered with his feelings, just his goal of getting his silver lining. As it turns out, Tiffany can be a means to an end for him and he agrees to help her by entering a dance competition with her if she will get a letter to Nikki. 

The movie starts with Pat in a mental institution and as we delve deeper into Pat’s family life we see the dysfunction and craziness he’s lived with his entire life. His father, a life long Eagles fan, needs his remote controls in order and his son to sit with him or else the world will end (by which I mean the Eagles will lose.) Pat’s mother enables her husband’s insanity and just tries to make everything normal by ignoring what isn’t normal about her loved ones. Pat’s brother is constantly reminding Pat of his place in the pecking order by telling him how great his life is and how low Pat’s life is. His wife cuckolds him and then blames him for being upset. With all of this going on around him, a sane person might go insane and it is a wonder Pat didn’t snap before he did.

Insanity is a big component of Silver Linings Playbook. In order for Pat to get truly better he needs to confront his own insanity and move past the part in his life that he is stuck in. Pat is someone so consumed with his thought of what his ideal woman is that he fails to see the woman who understands him and his crazy as well or better than he does. When he and Tiffany finally perform their dance routine, you can see the manic frenzied patterns of their minds even as they are perfectly in control of themselves. Their routine is their way of shouting at the world and accepting their own insanity. 

The movie may not be perfect but the acting is. Cooper probably gives his best performance, playing the extremes in his mind with both subtlety and aggression.  Lawrence draws you in with looks and nuances that actresses twice her age do not have and Tiffany is as three dimensional a character as I’ve seen in a while. You want her to break through Pat’s insanity but also want her to fix herself and find her own worth. Robert DeNiro plays Pat’s father as a man who loves his sons and his Eagles equally. The quality of his life depends on how well the men in green play football and he alternates between believing in his son and hating him for ruining the Eagles juju. Chris Tucker makes a return to acting in a surprisingly subtle role as a fellow patient and friend to Pat. Instead of using his Fifth Element or Rush Hour loudness, he uses his natural charm to endear himself to the audience and everyone in Pat’s life. 

Yet I think the most important part for me was watching Pat in his struggle to find himself metaphorically out of a dark tunnel with a single matchstick. Tiffany can shine her light from the end of the tunnel but Pat needs to look towards her to see it. Instead he wallows in his past with Nikki. It was a deeply personal thought to have as I’ve been stuck. When you just don’t see that there is a way out and away from someone who is toxic for you. I don’t know that the love you have for the first person ever goes away but you need to struggle and fight and dance your way out of the situation to be able to look back on it and understand completely what you want. As Norman Bates said in Psycho “We all go a little mad sometimes.” More important is to tell yourself that it is okay to do it.

Mr. Unhappy sez: See this movie. It is right for so many reasons and wrong for so many right reasons.

How can you not love her?

Quickly Hitting on the Top 4

Quick Hits: The problem with blogging…

                So I am out with my friend Teresa last night and she starts telling me that I don’t blog enough. I know I don’t but I have a full time job and a bit of a laziness problem. It is quite annoying to start a blog and then halfway through typing my thoughts someone comes into the store. Not to mention blogger is making it slightly more difficult. Why can’t I copy and paste from word without it making my font bigger or moving paragraphs around in my blog or creating huge white blocks of text.  It is frustrating so I go to movies and watch them, thinking I can do some hardcore blogging on that one! Next thing I know it is three weeks from when I saw it.  I’m not infallible and Mr. Unhappy is far from a perfect blogger but I do at least want to put a little effort into it and don’t just want to throw up some piece of garbage. She brought up the idea of allowing her and my hetero life mate, Talky Phil do blog entries and that may happen. Yet that hasn’t happened yet and so if I have more than one reader on this thing, you should know what comes next. I’ve seen multiple movies (the top 4 of this past weekend) and I want to give you reviews of all of them without writing a 60 page novella. Yes…I know…it is exciting isn’t it….QUICK HITS y’alllllllll!

The Amazing Spider-man

                There was always something about the way Tobey Maguire embodied Peter Parker that bothered me. He was a very good nerd and a great Spidey but I look at Andrew Garfield’s take on the skinny web slinger and I finally think they have captured what I wanted. Tobey always felt like the cartoon show Spidey I watched as a kid. He was safe, innocent and had no real inner demons. This Spidey is darker and isolated. He is the Goth kid of Spider-man’s. Perhaps that role should better fit Bruce Wayne and the Bat but Spider-man has dark moments too. Still in the reboot, Aunt May (a younger more hip Aunt May played by Sally Field) and Uncle Ben, a bombshell love interest (Emma Stone’s Gwen Stacy) and Rhys Ifans as the Lizard. He is a good villain and tests the limits of Peter’s spider abilities. Added are a good back story to explain why Peter moved in with Aunt May and Uncle Ben in the first place, The aforementioned Gwen Stacy/ Captain Stacy (Denis Leary) story which is a much stronger starting point than the Mary Jane saga, a hipper Peter Parker (still awkward and nerdy but with a cool punk vibe) and the much better mechanical web slingers. Something about that jizz perma-stuck to Spidey’s wrist never made sense to me. Now Peter’s brain and intelligence are part of the character. This movie’s strength is its characters. Peter is fully formed, Dr. Curt Connors is well intentioned but ultimately doomed, Gwen Stacy is a great match to Peter’s intelligence and a much truer partner than Mary Jane could ever scream her way into, and Uncle Ben is not a caricature but a real man who can give the shove to Spidey to be the hero he needs to be. I don’t think this movie is perfect. The suit is a bit off. How many people need to see Spidey’s face before he just gives up the mask all together? Why do all the crane operators in New York hang out well into the evening?  Why does Gwen accept that Peter is Spider-man and not try to dissuade him at all. I don’t  know that I would necessarily want to be the love interest of a super-hero. Them bitches get messed up all the time and fans of the comics know that Gwen Stacy doesn’t have a happy ending (although the movie gives away none of that.)

Mr. Unhappy Sez: Overall I liked the story and wished it were not in the same summer as The Dark Knight Rises so it would not have to be compared to The Batman’s final act or The Avenger’s awesome Beginning. Yet even so, this movie holds it’s own and for that, I’d tell you to fork over the 10.00 dollars. Still see no reason to see it in 3-D.

Ted

I can see how this movie could have gone terribly terribly wrong. It had a chance to be the UHF of the summer. A good movie but stuck between The Avengers and The Batman. Ted is not UHF though. It is a genuinely good movie with heart, disgusting humor and some smart casting. Ted is voiced by Peter Griffin himself, Seth MacFarlane and he is just as obnoxious and hilarious as his Quahog counterpart. He is a teddy bear brought to life by a young boy’s wish and now 20 years later is a pot smoking, foulmouthed, a-hole who keeps his now grown owner (Mark Wahlberg ) from really moving on with his life. Seriously though, this kid goes from a loser kid to Mark Wahlberg? How does this happen? Is this kid full of grantable wishes? Yet Wahlberg’s John is stuck in a crappy job and in a rut with his girlfriend Lori who wants more than John can give, especially when Ted is around. The central story seems to balance on this question: When does magic stop being cool and start being really annoying and childish? Ted is a series of misadventures and doesn’t pull any punches. From Doing cocaine with a broken down actor who once played Flash Gordon to Giovanni Ribisi creepily dancing to 80’s pop icon Tiffany. Ted is a movie of pushing the boundary of good taste and yet it has a kind of soft underbelly. Like Ted is getting older and frayed, the story itself has rough spots and moments of real genius. This movie is smart and funny and the perfect remedy for summer movies that go too big. This movie often goes too far but never with a glut of explosions and slo-mo action poses.

Mr. Unhappy Sez:  The movie has smiles, laughs and a few moments of actual sentiment. There is also anti-semitism, fat jokes, and  a stuffed bear banging a girl… sounds like a winner to me.

Brave

I can honestly say that going into Brave I didn’t expect to find much other than a reminder of the one who got away. I like Disney/Pixar movies but I don’t fawn over them like they are the next coming of Christ or something. Pixar is the best animation going. Just like when I was a kid and Disney was the best we had. Sure there was Looney Tunes and some other half assed attempts but when you wanted to see a hot mermaid belt out a song or a beauty dancing with a beast, you turned to Disney and Brave is a good addition to the Disney Library. It is another great visual movie, with a great message and a slightly predictable story (for an old fogey like me). The story revolves around Merida, the first borne daughter of King Fergus and Queen Elinor. Her father has always wanted nothing but the best for his daughter and raises her as though she were his son. She is a crack shot with a bow and loves to do all the dangerous activities she can come up with. Merida’s mother, the queen, has always tried to refine Merida and the relationship between them has suffered as Merida has grown. When Merida goes against the custom of the land and proclaims she will not marry, indeed competing for her own hand, she causes such outrage that the clans her father rules could revolt and war is eminent. Merida runs away and makes a wish to change her mother’s mind and in the way of all wishes, something goes a little wonky in the translation. Merida’s mother is turned into a bear and given King Fergus’s severe dislike of bears (as one ate his leg), Merida needs to figure out how to fix what she has done. The story goes a predictable route and for kids, I can see this story inspiring. That is not to say there is nothing for adults. The movie is beautiful and does preach a lesson that I think is valuable for mothers, daughters, fathers and sons.  Communicate with one another, no matter what obstacles. Hell, that is a lesson for everyone.

Mr. Unhappy sez: It is not a perfect movie but it has a charm and look that makes it worthwhile and enjoyable. If you love Pixar you won’t be disappointed and if you don’t love Pixar, why are you looking at a review of Brave?

Savages

Just because I am writing this review doesn’t mean I am happy having seen this movie. Savages is a story about drugs, life, love and the power of money. Ben (Aaron Johnson/Kick-Ass) and Chon (Taylor Kitsch/ Tim Riggins) operate a successful and profitable business selling Marijuana to the residents of Los Angeles. The Mexican Cartel, lead by the ruthless Elena (Salma Hayek), tries to incorporate them and gain access to their weed (it is 33% THC, which I assume is good) and they politely refuse.  Elena is not pleased by this and tells her hitman, Lado (Benicio Del Toro), to kidnap Ben and Chon’s girlfriend Ophelia. (Blake Lively who also serves as narrator) and hold her hostage for a year while Ben and Chon learn to cooperate. The story then spirals into various raids and double crosses until the bloody near conclusion. I don’t dislike the movie but I thought there was going to be a lot more to this film. Oliver Stone has consistently failed me as a filmmaker, from Natural Born Killers to Any Given Sunday to Savages. I have just never seen a Oliver Stone movie that blew my mind. Nor do I really want to. That is not to say that this movie does not have merit or is simply awful. The actors came to play and the story is entertaining if not annoying. Blake Lively shows she has a lot more to offer as an actress and Taylor Kitsch plays the ex-navy seal Tim Riggins, I mean Chon, as a smart violent man who knows how the world works. At least he knows the world of drug dealers and killers. Me, I don’t get shot at and I don’t stab Federal Agents though many times I’ve thought I might stab John Travolta.  I also wish that the movie had offered up some sort of conclusion. I don’t care what it is, just pick something. I want to feel as though the ride is over.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: Worth seeing when it comes to Netflix or Instant Watch and it isn’t a bad or poorly done movie. It is just not special and it could have been.

Let's all go play with radioactive stuff!

The Chernobyl Diaries

I love horror movies. I do… but recently I’ve found myself with clammy hands and my fingers tightly in my ears. Does this mean that in my advancing years I am becoming less a fan of being scared or have horror movies become dependent on loud crashing shock scenes to scare instead of filling you with dread the entire time? I prefer to choose the latter as it makes me someone with sensitive ears and not a wuss who is afraid of something not really happening to me. It may not explain the clammy hands but I’m willing to overlook that in the interest of appearing manlier. I may be on the verge of a crashing scare of reality when I realize that being scared is not as fun as it once was. Yet I feel I am on to something as well. How many times can a cat come crashing out of nowhere to scare the crap out of you? I mean the odds of a cat being in a hiding spot and then screeching out hissing and making loads of noise all at the one time the killer is stalking you has to be astronomical. What are they saying about the virginal women that own all these cats too? I don’t like it. Movies like The Ring, The Blair Witch Project, and Paranormal Activity build suspense and atmosphere rather than just blatantly throwing cats at screens.

The Chernobyl Diaries employs the banging crashes to make you scream but also creates an atmosphere of eerie calm throughout the majority of the film that is scarier than the actual mutant radioactive creatures that attack the unlucky tourists. Oh those hapless rubes who sign up for an ex Russian special forces Operative’s tour of the empty town just outside of the Chernobyl Nuclear Plant that went critical and “became one with the air.” Chris ( Jesse McCartney, who channels a Growing Pains sized Leonardo DiCaprio), his girlfriend Natalie (Olivia Taylor Dudley), their mutual friend Amanda are travelling across Europe and stop in Kiev to visit Chris’ brother Paul (played with normal a-hole appeal by Jonathan Sadowski). Chris is getting ready to propose to Natalie when they reach Moscow. One may wonder why not in Paris. Well you obviously have never seen Russia, with vast open spaces of nothing and scary ghost towns filled with creepy Russian guys that love the “beyoutiful American guuurls”. That, my friends is romance. The kids party like all stupid horror movie kids and the next morning Paul comes to them with the idea of a lifetime. Why go to Moscow, where all that can happen is Chris starts the next chapter of his life with the woman he loves, when you can visit a dead town where everything is dead and there is only a moderate chance you’ll end up glowing in the dark? I file this is my “Fuuuuuuuck No!” file. Travelling across Europe is plenty adventure enough. I’d love to see Russia but do I need to travel out past the armed guards and visit a barren wasteland where a car breaking down could drastically change my life for the worse? Fuuuuuck no!

Yet this movie depends on it and when we arrive at Pripyat (which lays in the shadow of Chernobyl) it is every bit as eerie and chilling as a place like that should be. Where there is no life, no birds, mutant fishes, where nature has reclaimed the land. They climb through the empty buildings and look out over the city to see the Chernobyl Power Plant so close. It really does chill you. The town is dead and the atmosphere the movie creates makes you feel as though anyone who enters it must die as well. The rest of the movie is classic horror movie stunts where people jump out of nowhere to crash into windows and one of the kids is hurt so he cannot hike out making it nearly impossible for the group to hike out on their own. There are plenty of plot contrivances that only horror movies seem to have. Why does Uri (the Russian tourguide) hide the remains of a fire in one of the abandoned building and why doesn’t he just refund the tourists when the guards tell them they cannot pass? Why does Paul, knowing that his brother plans to propose in Moscow, instead take them to Pripyat?

So as with any review of a movie, does this movie need to be seen? If you like horror movies and can look past the plot holes, sure. If you don’t like horror movies and would see this because your boyfriend wants to, you’ll probably think it was stupid. The truth is that it lies somewhere in between where atmosphere creates fear and the people involved are simply there. All I know is that when my brother moves to Kiev and I go visit him with the girl I am gonna marry and he says “Hey Mr. Unhappy, instead of going to Moscow and proposing let’s drive out to a semi radioactive town in the shadow of one of the biggest nuclear blunders of all time” I will both punch him in the testicles and tell him quite simply “Fuuuuuuck Nooooo!”

Mr. Unhappy sez: I might look forward to a documentary about Pripyat but as a scene of horrific scenes, this movie delivers. The horrific acts that happen in the movie, not so much.

Five years and a missing body part...

The Five Year Engagement

                For a long time I would watch romantic comedies and wonder about the time after that perfect first kiss. You know, after the movie ends. I mean what does the nerd who never had a girlfriend really know about being with the drop dead gorgeous woman? What happens to the woman chasing guy with a heart of gold know about monogamy? I guess the question boils down to what happens to the rest of us? I’ve been in many relationships where the first kiss and acknowledgement of our feelings for each other seems to be the beginning of a next level romance. The kind of romance that people read about and sigh because they are so wanting of that kind of love. Yet no one sticks around for the moment when she eventually grows tired of the man and leaves him a quivering angry pile of goo. Yes goo. That’s where a lot of romantic comedies lose me.  What happens after everyone is happy and getting married. It can’t always work out, can it? Am I doing it wrong? Probably but the truth is that no one really wants to see if it works out, they want to see it maybe work out and assume that it does.

                Jason Segel’s Tom proposes to his girlfriend of one year in the first scene of The Five Year Engagement and that wide eyed, happily in love schmuck can’t see what the next five years hold for him. He is happy, successful and moving towards being married to Emily Blunt’s Violet. Yeah, I’d be pretty wide eyed and hopeful if I had that too. Immediately things start to go wrong.  Her sister (Alison Brie with a constantly fading British accent) has a perfect shotgun wedding, Violet gets rejected by Berkeley and accepted to the psych program at the University of Michigan instead. So Tom plays the good husband and agrees to leave his career behind and move with her to Michigan. In two years, they can get married. The five year engagement does tell you all you need to know about the movie in the title. This engagement is gonna be long and with that length, certain things about the relationship will be tested.

                It is interesting to see Jason Segel begin to go crazy in Michigan when he can’t find a job, his friend back home takes the job he was supposed to have and is successful and all he has to do with his time is work a crappy job and hunt. It wears on a man to feel worthless and less than his partner. Being unemployed and in a relationship did that to me. There really is nothing worse than having nothing to say to the person you love. Segel captures that desperation and need to keep the relationship going in The Five Year Engagement and  I felt as though I resented Violet too. She gets everything she wants and never really considers what it is doing to the man she loves. She hides from him and goes out drinking with her friends, including her psychology professor who makes a pass at her. Only after that does she consider what Segel is going through. Her character is quite oblivious in this regard.  Yet Tom can hardly be blameless here. Why can’t he start his own restaurant in Michigan? Are the Michiganites so uncouth that a San Francisco chef can’t make something they’d like other than a awesome sandwich? Tom is playing it safe and letting Violet run his life. So he kind of deserves the fate he got. These two are deeply flawed individuals but as a couple they can be really good and really bad. Like real people.

         That is probably what makes the movie work for me. There is no good reason for Tom to let Violet run his life and there is no reason why Tom can't make the best of living in Michigan. They are real people though and the writers don't let Tom and Violet have all the magic answers to solve their problems. They have to come organically. Yet they really do love each other. That is the key to anything. I try not to believe in it sometimes but love really does matter. If you can fall in love with someone, there is nothing you can’t get through. It may take breaking up for a year, or it may take just simply hating the other person for a while until you realize that loving them is what you were meant to do. They aren’t perfect. No relationship is. Here is the problem with most people these days is that when there is a problem in a relationship, people just give up. Oh well, it obviously wasn’t gonna work because something didn’t fit perfectly. Relationship is about compromise and sometimes it is about arguments. You can’t have a perfect couple and if you say you do have that, I’m gonna call my superhero friend Bullshit Man to fly in and call you on it. Relationships are about how you deal with bad times and in this, The Five Year Engagement succeeds. There is nothing easy about Tom and Violet’s relationship. Indeed there are body parts lost, leg wounds inflicted, infidelities and a lot of arguments. Yet they want nothing more than to be with each other and that is how the movie confirms that they are meant for each other. It isn’t some magical kismet. It is their ability to look at the other person, with all their flaws and say “Fuck it. I love you.”

Mr. Unhappy Sez : Love is a many splendid thing, well really it is half splendid and half blinding pain. Just like life, the movie isn’t perfect and because of that, it kind of is.

 Now a moment of clarity from Furious Kinky....

A FURIOUS KINKY NOTE:

The Avengers comes out this week. For those of you in the 50- 90 age range and those who just don’t get the superhero thing, you aren’t gonna like the movie anyway. I haven’t even seen it yet and I will still tell you that you should probably give it a chance. It isn’t gonna be perfect. It is probably gonna give you the raised eyebrow of credibility…but it shouldn’t be credible. This is a story about our myths, not a truthful tale of what happens when aliens attack and we have a bunch of superheroes save us. Get your head out of your ass. Watch the movie, get out of your own head for a minute and enjoy the pretty shiny explosions and the humorous moments of triumph for the human race.  It isn’t art but it is damn entertaining. Suck it, haters…

Furious Kinky Sez: See it before the Hulk gets angry....you wouldn't like him when he's angry.

My Class Reunion

American Reunion

                I've had my 10 year high school reunion and much like my Prom, I didn’t attend. I really didn’t see the point. I was never really close to anyone in my senior class and my people wouldn’t go to the reunion anyway. I do however fondly reminisce about my high school life and mostly the love I had for my radio class which allowed me a voice that I’ve maintained in writing stories, screenplays (yes I am the screenwriter who can’t so he critiques…works for Roger Ebert), and most recently in blog.  So I didn’t feel the need to go to a reunion, that at best would make me feel I missed out in high school and at worst make me relive those moments where I was excluded (many times by my own choice) and get to see all the people who’ve married, gone bald, had success or had failures. Yes I would relish the chance to stick it to the popular kids who now live at home but most of my senior class is successful and (damn them) are probably going to stay that way. I’ve long since given up on grudges or hurt feelings but to see them have so much when I am still stuck having only a little can be counted as  a reason why I am Mr. Unhappy and not Mr. Fulfilled or Mr. Satisfactory. I don’t have a girlfriend let alone a wife and to be honest, unless someone changes their mind and decides they want me I cannot see that changing. I don’t have kids, and I work a good job but not one that threatens to let me crack the 1 percent. I am nicely ensconced in the 99 percent and proud of it.

                So going into American Reunion, I was really hoping to capture that reunion feeling and catch up with the friends I made through the original trilogy of American Pie movies that ended with the happy wedding of Jim (Jason Biggs) and Michelle (Alyson Hannigan). This is as much my high school reunion as the actual San Rafael High class of 1996 would be. Some of my classmates are married (Jim and Michelle, Kevin), some have been out in the world living life (Finch), some are career rich and love poor (Oz, Vicki and Heather) and some are the same dicks they are in high school (Stifler). Life, for the most part, has been mostly good to the Pie gang. Also at play is Jim’s dad and how he is dealing with (or not dealing with) being a widower. Stifler has lived down to expectation and still lives at home with Mom who seems to be cryogenically frozen in time as the sultry black widow waiting for her son’s overly mature friends to fall into her web. There is truth in this story. For every group of friends, some will move forward and create good lives for themselves and others will have made mistakes and live far less fabulous lives. Most everybody will be slightly envious of what the other friend’s have. Yet like a class reunion, bringing this team together again provides an opportunity to see where life once was.

                For the most part American Reunion succeeds as a reunion of the group and quickly they all fall into the misadventures that only a group of people (one of which has had sex with a pie) can get into. Stifler needs to appease his annoying dick of a boss and still bring back his former glories as the Stifmeister. Kevin needs to get away from his housewife life and when Tara Reid’s Vicki shows up deal with his feelings for his old girlfriend. Oz wants to see the old gang, recapture some of his ham handed innocence he once had and maybe rekindle his original Pie relationship with Heather (Mena Suvari). Jim has to try to balance hanging with the guys and his concerns that his wife may not find him sexually attractive anymore while she has the very same fears. Also on the plate for Jim is that the girl he used to babysit has become a fully grown 18 year old woman with a crush on her old babysitter. Finch is much like he was in high school, trying desperately to be more adult than he really is but is still looking for that elusive true love. I don’t know if this movie would work as well for someone who hasn’t seen the original movies. Not that it is too high brow for them, the jokes would still be funny but the nostalgia and reliving those moments that made you squirm in the first film. You wouldn’t have a connection with the team of unlikely but best of friends.  The key is that they are old friends and the writers took that into account with their script. While many things have changed they are still the group of kids, desperately trying to get laid that they were in the first movie.  

                I really enjoy the group of friends who instead of saying goodbye and drifting apart, seem to be moving on to the next adventure, prepared and with hope together. As Robin Williams Peter Pan said in Hook “To live, will be a very big adventure.” So goes it with the American Pie gang. Was it hokey and over played? A little and I still think that Chris Klein is a little too earnest for my taste but I grew into a man with these movies. In many ways this movie was as good as going to my own high school reunion with the exception that I actually like these characters. The gross out gags, nudity and bad language make this another Pie movie that you’re 8 year old should not see but one that the 8 year olds Dad should definitely see. It is a reunion both as a movie and a generation of kids that grew up with Jim, Oz, Stifler and the gang.  A look back at the simpler times when f**king a pie seemed like an idea. Ok that one never worked but it made sense to Jim as a character and therefore was an acceptable and hilarious moment for a teen who is seemingly constantly trying to find something new to stick their dick in. The reason these movies work is not because Jim f**ked a pie but because we cared what happened to the baked goods loving kids after they graduated, after they returned from college, when the girl who stuck a flute in her p***y married the guy who f**ked the pie and what happened to them all as they began their own lives. I think what American Reunion does well is maintain the relationship between the characters and with the audience as well. It reunites you with some friends that given two hours, you don’t mind spending time with.

Mr. Unhappy Sez:  I cannot say whether I loved the movie or the reminder to my own past when I was a bit cooler and a little less old but I liked the movie regardless.

Megan/Sierra is Missing

Megan is Missing

Given the recent events in Morgan Hill I am reposting this review in hopes that some parents can watch this and scare the bejesus out of their teenagers regarding strangers. Teen Girls... Men are not your friend.  To watch is on Netflix, go here:

http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/Megan_is_Missing/70175510?trkid=2361637

      I hate when I am looking through the countless new videos on Netflix Instant Watch and come across something that tickles me in a way I am not comfortable with. While being scared to see what this movie is about, the description seems to call out to the horror movie fan in me and I am helpless to not press the “add to instant queue” button to watch on some future date. I can only say that with some of the stuff coming out today, I am glad I am not the impressionable young kid I was when I first saw such campy horror movies as Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm Street. The current trend in horror is to make a movie that seems like it could be real, says it is real and then suckers you into believing that it is real although when you think about it as you are hiding under your blankets from the evil spirits trying to kill you that if this was real, the movie would not be able to show it.  Your logical mind can tell you all this and you will be able to tell yourself that it is true but when it is coming to the gruesome end, you begin to doubt it yourself. 

For weeks now I have been staring at the poster pic above for the movie “Megan is Missing” and wondering how well done the movie is. Do you believe it? Does it make you sad to watch the build up to what you assume is the end to two 14 year old girls? Why do I want to watch it? Will I feel like a accomplice in watching such a movie in which two girls are preyed upon by a skilled predator and then snuffed out of existence? They are missing. So why I clicked the button to watch the movie today I cannot really tell you. I wanted to see the movie, the premise was great but some part of my mind held me from watching it.  I think it may have been the part of me who wants to believe in the genuine good in people. After this, you doubt that.

“Megan is Missing” is a true story or so the director/writer Michael Goi would want you to believe. The story is compiled of video evidence, webcam chats, Iphone video chats, news reports and hand held videos made by and of two teens, both of whom will “go missing” weeks apart. Megan is a party girl and even at 14 she is a modern teen who has done and seen a lot. She's been molested, abused and has a contentious relationship with her mother. Her stepfather is in prison, maybe for molesting Megan, maybe not. That is not important. Despite her life, Megan is a straight A student, well liked and looking for a new start to her life after the trouble of before. Her best friend Amy on the other hand, is unpopular and seems to orbit Megan like she was the sun and Amy was the Earth. Megan lights up Amy and Amy in many ways brings out the best in Megan. As the two go to parties together and talk about boys and some of the things Megan has done, it is clear that Amy is the “good girl” of their pairing. She has a together if slightly absent family but loving. She is squeaky clean and counts Megan as her best friend when in fact she may have been her only friend. Megan’s friends don’t understand why Megan hangs out with Amy or why she keeps trying to include her in their life. Indeed, Amy does not fit the party girl lifestyle and seems awkward and alone for much of the movie.

Megan dreams of escaping her life and moving to Texas (not for any specific reason but because it seems far from L.A.). Amy plans to go with her and for a moment you believe that Megan going missing will simply be her and Amy running away. Then enters webcahtter Josh, who seems to be a great guy (aren't all the predators) who goes to the other school in town and skateboards behind the diner Megan and her friends frequent. He plans on meeting her at a party but when she shows up, Josh is not there. As a viewer you can test your "daddar" (or dad radar) by seeing if you feel there is something odd about Josh. His voice on the chat is both sinister and pleading. Both older than he says but still young enough to be plausible. Is he a boy who wants to be with Megan or is he a terrible predator? The dangers of the internet are all too real in Megan is Missing and could serve as a cautionary tale of what can happen in the the world where a 40 year old man can be 15 again. Yet, as a parent, you cannot watch everything your child does and while you may not want to ruin the innocence of your child’s lives, you need to prepare them for the real life predators out there. Chris Hanson is not gonna automatically come out wherever child molesters go and ask them what they are doing (as I secretly hoped he would do during the last 22 minutes). “Megan is Missing” is a lesson in parental absence. The parents are present in this movie but they are away from the danger, almost unheard, almost always blurry and out of focus. They are not a part of their lives as parents sometime become in the teen years. Amy’s parents may seem more involved but Dad is “not home much” but he is always there for all the important days like birthday and holidays.

Is “Megan is Missing” real? Not at all. If they say written and directed by, I doubt the sincerity of the movie. It could very well be based on real events. A story I heard from William H. Macy from the set of Fargo goes like this. He arrived on set and asked the Cohen Brothers for the actual case evidence because at the beginning of the script it says “This is a true story.” The Cohen Bothers laughed a bit and said “It’s not a true story, we made it up.” William H. Macy was dumbfounded and said “But it says at the beginning of the script that it is a true story.” They nodded and William H. Macy realized that the Cohen Brothers had indeed made up the entire movie including the “this is a true story” part. To which he said “You can’t do that.” and the Cohen’s said “Why not?”  It is a great question and one that I think applies to “Megan is Missing”. The story could be real. It is something, an urban legend of the technology generation, that someone has heard about it happening to a girl or girls in their school. Finding the actual Megan or Amy probably can’t be done but they certainly could be real girls who made a mistake and trusted a “Josh” who turned out to be a really bad guy. What makes this kind of movie effective is that while you are watching it do you believe it? I did. The “news footage” is a bit overdone and somewhat cheesy but you overlook it. Perhaps the most chilling scene (before the last 22 minutes which tested my tolerance for violence) is when Amy sits in her room, all alone, at night and “Josh” mocks her and tells her to shut her fat mouth. You can feel the isolation and complete fear that Amy has yet there is nothing she, a 14 year old, can do. She could tell her parents and they could call the police but who can stop a voice in a computer coming into your room and threatening you?

This movie, and I say this only hours after watching it, stays with you. I’ve told myself that it isn’t true. I’ve made my peace with the fact that the police probably aren’t as impotent to catch the predators out there. But this is one of the possibly the most horrific and truly scary films I’ve ever seen. Simply the fact that I know that “Josh” probably does exist can put that fear in me and that he could be a guy I met at work, or at a restaurant or in the line at the supermarket. Predators are everywhere and that scares the crap out of me. I can’t guarantee that this movie will affect you as it has me. Maybe you’ll think this is stupid but give it a shot. For what it is, Megan is Missing is a superb and disturbing movie. I bet most of you will have a “why is Mikey in corner?” moment from Blair Witch when you come upon Josh’s lair.   This movie scared and disturbed me and I mean that in a good way. After all, I signed up for it.

Mr. Unhappy sez: I’m not letting any daughter of mine on the internet or out of the house or out in public or near any men. 

Updated 3-29-12: Following the disappearance of Sierra LaMar in Morgan Hill, CA I am reminded of this movie. Megan is Missing, sticks with me to this day when the sight of a missing teenager taken from her webcam or phone, brings me right back to the blue barrel. <shiver> 

A Quick Hit on Elizabeth Olsen’s Boobs

     I’ve been silent for a few weeks now and I find myself terribly behind on the reviews I so want to do for you… my single and consistently disappointed reader or as I call you, Tom Cruise and your weird nipples. I know, I am obsessed with nipples. Most guys are. I’m actually watching the rifftrax of Top Gun right now and I’ll be damned if in that volleyball scene he doesn’t have the weird nipple thing too. Perhaps it is a Scientology thing. One thing I am absolutely sure of is that I’ve seen too many movies in a row to ever catch up. Not to mention that I really do want to let you know about most of the movies I saw. Some, like John Carter, I am less inclined to tell you about but I will. For the record, I didn’t find John Carter to be disappointing, just more of the same but we will get to that. So I have come to the conclusion that I just need to wrap it all into one Quick Hit on all the movies currently in theaters. That way I can go see the Hunger Games and review it without feeling guilty to you or Elizabeth Olsen (‘s boobs.)

John Carter

I like Taylor Kitsch. I mean, his characterization of a troubled teenage alcoholic fullback, Tim Riggins on TV’s Friday Night Lights is personally some of the best work on television in years. That and he is so dreamy. A lot has been said about John Carter and its massive failure at the box office and while I cannot see exactly how they spent 300 million dollars on it, it was an entertaining movie. I think what throws people off is that Taylor’s acting style of not caring/ lazy drawl makes people believe that there is no point in caring. The story of John Carter of Mars is engaging. A broken man goes to Mars, finds that he has super human abilities there and tries to save the planet, rebuilding his life and finding a new purpose. It’s a heroic journey. I liked the movie though I found it to be a little long. Nothing like sitting in a darkened movie theater watching a half naked man leap from place to place. Only one thing makes it better….boobs and not Taylor Kitsch’s massive man pecs either.

Mr. Unhappy sez: John Carter is an interesting movie with a horrible name. If they had gone with John Carter of Mars as they originally planned, perhaps Disney wouldn’t lose $250 million dollars on it.  For what it is, I liked the movie. For what it isn’t, I did not.

21 Jump Street

Now here is a movie that I did not see coming. I had seen the TV show and the best part about that was the addictive theme song. Even now, sitting in an office, I can scarcely afford to hum a few bars without knowing that I will be stuck with that song in my head the rest of the day. A year or so ago, I learned that a Jump Street movie was in the works. I shook my head but thought, if done right, it could be better than the show. When I finally saw the trailer a few months ago, I knew that it was going to be bad. Then I saw Roger Ebert’s review of the movie and to my utter shock, he liked it. For those of you, who do not know the story, Jump street is about a group of young looking cops who go undercover at schools to weed out the drug dealers and underage criminals. One thing I actually liked about this story was it was a tale of two different high school experiences. For Jonah Hill’s character Schmidt, his high school experience was the lowest point of his life. For Channing Tatum’s Jenko, high school was probably the high point of his life.  Now, what made Jenko popular in his high school, makes him hated at his new high school. In contrast, Schmidt finds that his brains, humor and personality make him cool. The movie works almost as a body switch comedy and both characters see the other’s life. There is no high brow humor at work in 21 Jump Street but there is a lot of very funny scenes. I found myself oddly pleased with 21 Jump Street.  Dave Franco (James Franco’s brother), the innocent good girl mixed up with the bad crowd (Brie Larson), Schmidt’s parents, and a great cameo from Johnny Depp as his original Jump Street character. Sometimes, you can look at a movie and see a pile of garbage and then when you sift through some of the awful marketing, you find that there is something hidden underneath.

Mr. Unhappy sez: We never thought that we'd find a place where we belong. Don't have to stand alone, we'll never let you fall. Don't need permission to decide what you believe. I said jump, down on Jump Street. I said jump! Down on jump street... damn it now that's gonna be stuck in my head.

Friends…With Kids

Now here is a movie that spoke to me in ways I can’t really begin to explain. The story is about a group of friends and the last two single friends who are not married with kids, Jason and Julie. They are played by Adam Scott and writer/director Jennifer Westfeldt. There is something to be said for being in your 30’s, having no prospects of having a significant other, let alone having a child. So what do they decide to do? They decide to have a child together while keeping their relationship platonic, so they can avoid the toll kids can take on romantic relationships. And it works. Jason is happy as a dad, Julie is a great mom and their friends (all married and miserable) are pissed because it shouldn’t have worked. Of course, they are just kidding themselves and the end of this movie is not hard to guess. I think what makes this movie worth seeing and indeed a great movie is that the route it takes to getting to the love between these friends. Who could be better to fall in love with than your best friend? Of course it will work because these two know each other so well.  Yet it hurts so much more when your friend breaks your heart. I’ve been there and even a year later, I am still shook to my core that I could lose someone so important to me and I look at every other woman and cannot fathom putting myself out there for someone to hurt again. The great thing about Jason’s lifestyle is that he has one night stands and never opens himself to be hurt. The bad thing about Jason is that he has one night stands and never opens himself to be loved either. I’d like to say that this movie made me believe in love again but it doesn’t. It just tells me that in the movies, love cannot be beaten down no matter how hard you fight it. In life, it is all too easy.

Mr. Unhappy sez: This movie hit too close to home for me. Yet I still liked it. That has to say something doesn’t it.

Silent House

Now after that last depression filled review, I come to the very boobs that made this whole blog entry possible. It is also a hell of a great horror movie. The movie is about Sarah, a girl whose past has left her a bit of a shy person, who we meet as she walks from the beautiful seashore to a boarded up house, in need of a lot of repairs. The movie is shot in one sequence, never cutting and seemingly perma stuck to the massive cleavage of its star. She is in the house with her father and her Uncle Peter who want to pack up the family’s stuff and fix up the house to sell it.  After Uncle Peter leaves to go to town for supplies, Sarah hears some noises upstairs and her father goes to investigate. What follows is 80 minutes of terror, mostly Sarah’s. Elizabeth Olsen is creating quite a reel for herself. I haven’t seen but want to see “Martha, Marcy, May, Marlene” (for which she earned rave reviews) and now this movie which like Tom Hanks in Cast Away is completely dependent on Sarah as a character. If you don’t care if she lives, you don’t get into this movie. She runs, hides, is stalked by the things in this house. You aren’t sure what is real and what is created in Sarah’s mind. Since you are stuck with her, you believe most of what happens. Sarah is a typical horror movie scream queen. She runs upstairs when she should go out the front door. She screams and hides under the bed. She never seems to escape her tormentors and the movie is scary.  In true horror movie fashion, when she finally escapes the house, her Uncle Peter sees her running down the road and takes her back to the house. This is a yell at the screen horror movie. The phrase “What… where are you going?! Stupid.” Will probably come out of your mouth more than once and isn’t that great fun?

Mr. Unhappy sez: Don’t sleep on this movie. It is scary… how awesome Liz Olsen’s (yeah we are that close after this movie) cleavage truly is.