Plastering a movie trailer and posters and commercials all over the airwaves is nothing new. So when the summer comes and the temperatures start to rise, the movies become bigger, faster, air-conditionered. It began, as far as I can remember, with Batman and then Titanic began the process of showing 10 minutes of the movie in the trailer and therefore ruining the story (which in the case of the Titanic involved the shocking ending). I have more or less moved on and have since given up not knowing what is going to happen in movies. It just isn’t worth the effort to avoid the endless commercials and 20 minutes of trailers at the beginning of every movie make repeat customers of a lot of movie trailers. So someone like me who sees a inordinate amount of movies, it becomes a problem fast if say you start running a trailer 1 year out from the release of the movie and begin a media blitz 6 months from release.
Enter this year’s dead horse staggering to finish being beaten by the time of release (and not in a happy ending type way): Cowboys and Aliens.
This movie begins on Friday but why do I have this eerie sense that the movie is pretty much gonna suck and be comprised of all the good moments that have been making the rounds on every TV station they can bribe into adding a special look into? WWE Monday Night Raw presents a special look at Cowboys and Aliens. Deadliest Catch now gives you a special advance look at Cowboys and Aliens. Martha Stewart Living builds a diorama of the scene where Daniel Craig uses his wrist guard to blast an alien ship out of the sky and then offers you a look at the new trailer, same as the old trailer except a tantalizing look at the naked shoulders of 13 from House (seriously what is her name?). ICarly offers you a special look at the stars of ICarly playing the characters from Cowboys and Aliens. And on and on. Seriously, I don’t even really want to see this movie anymore.
I have many reasons...
1. Over Saturation
From the makers of Iron Man comes this summers new not Iron Man. With the star of Star Wars and Indiana Jones, you get Not Han Solo or Indian Jones. I have not had a commercial break recently that hasn’t offered me some sort of special report on why Cowboys and Aliens will be this summers Dark Knight. Yet here is what made the Dark Knight so great. You didn’t know exactly what was gonna happen before it happened. You only had a few glimpses of what would be the best performance of Heath Ledger’s short life (although give credit where credit is due 10 Things I Hate About You was probably a close second). The story was kept under wraps and by the time the movie hit, people were so frothed up and wanting that whatever the movie delivered was gonna be epic. With Cowboys and Aliens, the only two things that can be delivered is that this movie is as good as the trailer/first look/dioramas and the Domino’s special Cowboy’s and Aliens Collector Pizza Boxes. I could be wrong but isn’t it more likely to disappoint than leave us in awe.
2. Harrison Ford
I know it is near blasphemy to disparage the man who may or may not have shot first. The man with the fedora an whip is a near icon in this industry but I dare to say that he and Al Pacino share a rather embarrassing honor. They haven’t made a respectable movie for about 10 years. Morning Glory, Extreme Measures, Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull, Firewall, Water to Wine, K-19: The Widowmaker, Hollywood Homicide(yeesh), What Lies Beneath, Random Hearts, and Six Days and Seven Nights. All these movies span back to Air Force One which to consider it a good movie is arguable at best in most circles. At this point, Han Solo’s bad ass nature is more past than present in the man’s work today. Although The Crystal Skull is probably more Shia LeBeouf’s fault than Harrison’s but can you really say it was good? I don’t mean to bash Harrison Ford’s acting but after 10 years of picking bad roles isn’t this movie more likely to be to Harrison Ford what Snakes on a Plane was to Samuel L. Jackson? A lukewarm entertainment spectacle.
3. A Iron Man Legacy
The most talked about thing other than Steven Speilberg’s thumbs up is “From the Director of Iron Man”. John Favreau made Iron Man a good movie not a great movie and Iron Man 2 was still only slightly better than say Thor. I liked Iron Man but the only thing John Favreau did was cast the movie well. He didn’t make the movie better by punching up the script or having amazing shots or an ability to tell a story through the screen. He did a competent job of not getting in the way of Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, and The Dude. Yes, I like John Favreau but face it since Swingers he hasn’t been able to kill the bunny. He’s been the PG-13 guy who you really hope gets the girl. Suffice to say, toting that the director of Iron Man as though it means something, is a bad sign that with Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford, he still is just batting the bunny around.
*To those who don’t understand, watch Swingers*
4. 13 From House
What has she done? Tron: Legacy (a passable movie) and a few movies which honestly I can’t remember because I was probably too focused on other parts of her than the movie. She’s the new Megan Fox (sorry Rosie from Transformers 3) with a better body and better set of acting chops. Yes, I find her hot. Yes, I want to see her naughty bits. So why see your movie? Well she shows her naked shoulders and gives you a tease of her being naked. Yet I’m probably gonna be dry humped and left with a shot of Harrison’s ass and those sweet tanned shoulders they’ve already shown me. Something gives me a Jonah Hex vibe and believe me, that’s not a good thing.
So to finish, am I gonna see it? Yes, I will probably be in the theater, hoping that my worst fears are not realized only to be left with nothing to show for my $10.75 except a flimsy ticket stub and sharp pain in my ass where they bent me over and raped me. Yes, this is a harsh criticism but between Cowboys and Aliens and Crazy Stupid Love, I’d rather see the Goslinator and crew teach me about love.
Of course that is just my opinion... I’m sure it will make 150 million dollars. At least it isn’t in 3-D...
Quick Hits: Out Now
Horrible Bosses
Throw Momma From the Train meets Office Space and Swimming With Sharks. Kevin Spacey rocks this performance as though he’s played it before... oh wait. Yet the best part is watching Charlie Day, Jason Sudeikis and Jason Bateman attempt to rationalize killing their bosses. It taps into something that anyone can relate to, hating your boss and gives you little psychopaths the chance to fulfill your murderous desires.
Mr. Unhappy Sez: Enjoy the humor and plot your own bosses demise... but I’m still trying to figure out what Charlie Day’s character was upset about. Damnit Jennifer Aniston is trying to have sex with me!
Friends With Benefits
This movie flaunts itself as a change of pace on the romantic comedy. Yes the two main leads have sex before that infinite first kiss but this movie follows the formula as much as any RomCom. I liked seeing Mila Kunis is various states of undress and the situations the movie presents are funny. The heart of the movie comes from the places where you see inside the lives of the characters through their family lives and you begin to wonder how you could expect to be normal after surviving their respective family problems. What this movie says best is that if you stop trying to ruin it, love can make a lot of problems seem less substantial than they really are. I wish my last girlfriend knew that.
Mr. Unhappy Sez: Worth the price of admission but loses serious credibility for using that damn “Hey, Soul Sister” song.
Captain America
The movie tells a great story about a bunch of characters that we now love but will never see again. Set in 1945 Europe the rise of the first Avenger, Captain America is a rousing tale and let’s Hugo Weaving fall back into his maniacal bad guy with a purpose. He hasn’t been this evil since he uttered the words “Mr. Anderson”. Captain America makes a positive addition to superhero movies as a whole and after Thor and Green Lantern, we needed it. Again, 3-D is probably not necessary so save those extra couple of dollars and see a good movie instead of a ok experience.
Mr. Unhappy Sez: Do you like superheroes? Captain America doesn’t disappoint. Are you not into superheroes? Captain America doesn’t disappoint.
And for the record I know this is Olivia Wilde...
but she'll always be 13 to me... that sounded dirty.
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