RIP Wes Craven

I know it's been awhile but a loss of this magnitude needs to be discussed. Wes Craven was a genius behind the camera, a brilliant writer and the type of filmmaker that influences the world. We are worse off today with the loss of this man. I'll miss your films and miss your voice. Rest in peace Wes, Freddy can't get you...

Quickly...

So I had a death in the family but I hope to start again soon. In the meantime, check out these movies on Netflix and send me your own review...

1. Footloose

2. Dirty Dancing 

3. The Lost Boys

4. Zombeavers

5. Transformers: Age of Marky Mark and the funky bunch... That's not right... Age of extinction...

There are good and bad movies here... None worse than Michael Bay showing us the actual size of his penis again. We get it... Your hung like a chipmunk so stop blowing shit up.

Lost weeks...

So I've had a trying couple of weeks and it's been hard to get on here and just to watch movies in general. They are my cure all but grief and the pain of losing someone close can't be healed quickly. You'll walk through life and love a few and when one of those people goes, it can blow up your life. Suddenly writing a blog is not as important. Sometimes you just have to circle the wagons and be with your loved ones until the storm passes. I am moving in a positive direction but loss forces you to take a hard look at the life you lead and I found myself doing that today while watching a YouTube video on the movie Groundhog Day. The reviewer said and I agree that the movie is about life for an extremely unhappy man. You go through the motions and do your routines but it is all the same. Days become months and like Phil in Groundhog Day, you just keep reliving the same moments over and over again. It struck a little close to home because I've been doing that for the last 5 years. 

I started this blog as a way to do something productive while unemployed. I kept doing it because I liked it and I always come back to the cinema in my times of need. One of those life shattering losses happened when I lost a girl (as so many good films start.) I named this blog Mr. Unhappy's Movie Blog because I once had an idea for a horror movie about a character named Mr. Unhappy who would leave his victims with his last bit of wisdom before killing them. Mr Unhappy sez: Blah blah blah. It seemed like an interesting way to end my reviews. My last bit of wisdom to my reader. So I used it. Funnily enough, at the time I was deeply in love and happy beyond belief with a girl named Kate. I knew that this girl had changed me in ways I wouldn't understand. I was hopeless from the moment I saw her, on the arm of another man, and I knew that I couldn't hope to have her as my girlfriend. So I became her friend. Just another way to keep her in my life. 

As happens in romantic comedies, I became good friends to the point that I considered her one of my three best friends in the world. Before I even had hopes that she would like me, I allowed her into that inner sanctum of my heart reserved for family and those special friends you would defend to the death and take a bullet for. So I was happy and content. No unhappiness, no annoyances, just banter, good fun and someone who I genuinely loved as a person. Her compassion, her love of animals, her inner sweetness covered by a layer of hatred for the world. Like me she'd seen too much pain and put up walls to her heart. The night she kissed me and I found out I could have her as my friend and love of my life, I was ecstatic.  It gave me hope. 

I started this blog as a way to show her how great she made me feel. To want to put myself out there and become something was my goal. I've failed in that and my Groundhog Day's have gone on and on. But the intention was pure. I wanted to give my heart to the world again. I wanted to believe in love and it's magical power to make the world better regardless of how many assholes and jerks there are. I wanted to create something from my knowledge of movies and my love of cinema in general so I could give something back to this one woman who made me feel the happiest I've ever been. And then she broke up with me. Not only broke up with me but left me feeling like she only barely tolerated my existence. This person who I had shown everything rejected me and that broke me in ways I cannot describe. Do you know how hard it is to trust someone so completely as to open up your heart and show a side to yourself that few if any see and to have it so thoroughly rejected that you feel ashamed and petrified to be your true self again because there is something wrong with you. Something to be ashamed of and she saw it. She penetrated your soul and found you so unworthy that talking to you became a chore to be done. And I miss her...to this day. I miss my friend and confidant and a girl who made me laugh or attempt to grow a beard. A girl who took me out of my comfort zone. The type of girl you'd skip anything for just because she asked.

I had a friend once tell me that sometimes a person is just always the brown shoes. You'll put them on and wear them once and a while but you'd never want to just wear those shoes. It's never an easy thing to admit about yourself. Neither is living with the shadow of something that happened five years ago and being miserable and lonely and trying desperately to find someone new so you can forget but having that new person see something wrong with you again. I'm the brown shoes. I'm never gonna be the guy you see and instantly fall for. I'm never gonna be the guy you wanna be with proudly and openly. I'm the dependable guy who you throw away because I clash someway. Maybe I snapped at you in a moment of anger. Maybe there was a misunderstanding or maybe I just never had you. I know this isn't super movie related but isn't any relationship somewhat movie related in that movies are idealized versions of our lives. I've been stuck in a Groundhog Day of my own making trying day after day to get Kate to love me or notice me or simply be my friend. That's cinematic. That's compelling...to me at least. That's the kind of story that leads me to a dark room, with a good friend...to watch the flickering stories and feel their head on my shoulder. To gasp with and hide from the scary moments with. No matter how much I love movies and I do love them (even awful bad ones like Snakes On a Plane or Rocky V or Short Circuit 2) I will always want to share that love with someone I love. Movies will be better, popcorn will taste better and the chattering idiots talking during the movies will seem a little less annoying. Sure you'll still want to stab them with a dull butter knife (as many times as it takes) but you stab them together. Like all couples should.

This wasn't what I intended to write and I don't have the happy ending with the girl coming to me and telling me that she loved me too and that we should be together. I can't have that ending and at 36 you start wondering if you'll ever have the happy ending. It's so much work and when it's not with that special someone (because that takes work too), why bother at all?  So while I didn't intend on writing this deep, annoying, pestering, thought that makes me look bad, it's what came bubbling up after seeing my Dad lose the love of his life for the second time.  I wouldn't have wished that on him once and if I could have taken that sickness on myself and kept her here I would have because she saved my Dad from loneliness, that's a kindness I can't ever repay and I love her so much for it. 

RIP Mimi Griffin. 

You were a hell of a woman.

Mr. Unhappy sez:  Unhappiness is contagious. Love is too. I wish I had caught the latter.

Some movies you can stream on Netflix...

Check them out...Especially  Fruitvale Station....because Mr. Unhappy sez.

 

A Cage-a thon...it's like a marathon but more baffling

I've always liked Nicolas Cage. He's the type of actor who takes risks with his performances. Some people might not take to dressing up in a bear suit and punching a woman in the face before yelling maniacally about the "bees....not the bees! Noooooooooo!" From being Big Daddy in Kick-Ass (or Ass-kick more appropriately) to being a agent of Satan in Ghost Rider to whatever the hell it was that was going on in Wild At Heart.... I'm on a streaming Thursday so let me give you some films that may or may not be good but definitely have two things in common... they can be streamed on Netflix and they are Cagey...

Face/Off

John Woo takes the insane and makes art from it. Action flows out of slow motion doves and insane gun fights. If someone were to make an action film I wrote, I would want it to be John Woo. He is a master. Face/Off is one of those movies where Nicolas Cage is insane and lively and jumping from place to place because he can. What makes this performance so good is that in the middle of the movie, Cage's role is switched from the amazingly bombastic Castor Troy to the depressed controlled Sean Archer (John Travolta). It is a movie of choices. To see Cage become Travolta and in turn Travolta become Cage is amazing. Small details in each of the performances take on the nuances of their alternate personalities. The movie is a fun action movie with a little heart. When Travolta (playing Castor Troy) tells Sean's daughter how to deal with an overly amorous  boyfriend is priceless and some of the scenes involving Cage as Sean trying to convince his wife that he is her husband but just wearing the face of the man she despises is heartbreaking. There is a lot going on here and it is a must see.

 Mr. Unhappy sez: Cage is both out of control and the pillar of control... the same cannot be said often.

Snake Eyes 

Snake Eyes is the type of movie you've come to expect from Cage. It is strong to start with. An assassination at a sporting event during a storm gives a corrupt detective the chance to solve the case of his life. Everyone is a liar and by the end many double crosses happen. Still Cage is out of control, a cop as a gangster and an out of control addict. The movie is uneven at best (a common problem for Cage movies) and the ending is a little hackneyed. I enjoy this movie and use it to put myself to sleep. Yes it is that type of movie too. It's worth a watch but in the end, it isn't that great except that it is.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Sometimes the world gives you a chance at making a great movie and sometimes you bungle it...this is that story.

The Frozen Ground

 

 

Nicolas Cage is often at his best when paired with an actor with some sort of ability. It is like a good wrestler taking the wild out of control dangerous wrestler and taming him to make a good match. Cage did this with Travolta in Face/Off and here with John Cusak, he is again strong and steady.  Cage is a detective chasing a serial killer who kidnaps prostitutes and kills them in Alaska. Vanessa Hudgens is effective as the whore that got away. It is a good movie but still unmemorable. I don't understand how the movie could have been better but in the end I felt like it could have been better. Still of all the Nicolas Cage movies here... it is one of the better ones.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Typical serial killer movie but a good cast steps it up a notch and makes it one any fan of the subject matter should see. Cage is remarkably controlled and the movie is better for it.

Left Behind

This is a movie that I knew was gonna be bad. Based on a Christian Fiction book and a Kirk Cameron movie of the same title. In it the rapture happens and those left behind are left to deal with the aftermath of not being chosen by God to share Heaven. I think what kills this movie is that the story itself just fails to be...welll... a cohesive story. Sometimes movies just aren't a good idea. I can see why they made the movie (the original and it's sequels made a crapload of money) but this movie is just awful. Not good Sharknado bad but Wicker Man bad. I cannot tell you how bored and mystified I was with this movie. One can hope they don't keep trying to steal good Christian people's money by cranking out a sequel to this pile of garbage. Christians don't know any better. They support it because of God...not because it is good. 

Mr. Unhappy sez: Cage can be good and Cage can be bad and sometimes Cage can be just in a God awful movie.... but more than that...Cage could have been Super...man.

 

You can also see National Treasure, Rage, Joe, Moonstruck (snap out of it), Seeking Justice, Kiss of Death, Racing With the Moon, and Trespass on Netflix.....if you want to Cage till your eyes bleed. Me, I'm good after 4....

Not so Fast....Furious 7

I've been trying to save money a little so seeing a movie in the theater is not the easiest thing in the world to do on a budget but I love doing it so much that I would like to share the experience with you fully.

I arrived at the theater and promptly went to the ticket counter. It being a Saturday I expected a line. Luckily no other movie was starting soon so I was relatively by myself. The two younger patrons in front of me stood at the counter and I ambled over to the counter behind them, my twelve dollars in hand. Sure it would have been easier if someone bought the tickets and then got out of the way but these two independent young people decided they should waste some time and pay separately. Sure I could get mad but I'm going to the movies so I'm gonna let this slight go and enjoy my movie. Then the two young guys decide to mess around him a little and I step forward to announce my presence. They walk off to their theater to undoubtedly talk the entire time their movie plays because fuck other people, I bought my ticket and I wanna have a talk. Not so much about the movie but about the ingrown hair on their feet or some other trivial bullshit. Sure I could be reading to much into this but they seem like those types of assholes. No worries. I wander up and say "One for Fast and Furious 7."

Now in the theater...after the ticket tearing girl Jennifer took a good 30 seconds to figure out how the tearing of a ticket is accomplished, I take my usual position to the side and in an area of the theater where most people aren't. I roll that way and I expect you to appreciate that. The projector or dvd player kicks on and the movie trailers begin....

San Andreas

When The Rock...I mean Dwayne Johnson...stars in this disaster epic about a huge Earthquake that devastates California and the bad news...it isn't over. Watching the city of L.A. literally ripple with Earthquake shake as though God is twerking...was a sight to behold. Otherwise I smell a 2012 (the movie not the year in which the year was also the movie) type disaster epic. It will be sappy and epic.

 Southpaw

Antoine Fuqua is gonna ride Training Day his whole career. Who am I to blame him? That movie is epic and awesome. Southpaw seems to be the story of Jake Gyllenhaal who is a boxer whose wife dies and his life spins out of control. Seems like an up with life type movie...if going up in life is being so depressed you find yourself on a ledge without knowing how you got there. It seems like that type of movie. Written by the guy who made Sons of Anarchy....hmmm. Could be good.

Pixels

 

I remember playing Pac- Man and Donkey Kong as a kid and if life on Earth comes down to being saved by the a-holes who can play Pac-Man the best...we're screwed. Also how is a Mini gonna take on Pac-Man...it isn't literally a ghost, it is a car and this bad giant Pac-Man was just shown eating a police car. I don't know. It will probably have some funny moments but overall I am sensing a Grown Ups 2 vibe from it.

Jesus is there another one? Maybe it will be Avengers: Age of Ultron or something awesome...nope.

The Vatican Tapes

So yeah...remember The Exorcist...this is a movie that will show you the truth behind the real life battle with the Devil!!!!! or it will be a slightly disappointing version of a found footage of the Exorcist. Most likely the latter as the biggest name the have in it is Michael Pena...so yeah. The power of Christ compels us...as Jonah Hill might say... it's not very compelling.

Feature...damnit.... the silence your cell phones ad. Killing me. If people don't know it by now telling them that LOL and BFF on a bright little screen in a dark movie theater isn't gonna stop them. I'm just saying....so now we have our Feature Presentation....

Furious 7

 

When Paul Walker died a lot of the fire I had for this series went with it. It was a bummer. You watch these movies to get car boners and see some incredible stunts but mostly car boners. You don't watch them to remember the real life consequences of driving fast and furious. For the most part Fast 7 is a tribute to Paul Walker and gives him the kind of resolution you can get behind. Dead...Alive...they are still family and in the world of Fast and Furious, family never dies. I was told that there was a tribute to him that has made grown men cry in their seats. I can't say I was that moved but it was a nice moment in the movie. The rest of the movie....hmmm I'm not sure about.  

Dom, Letty, Brian and the rest are all back to drive or die. This time they are pitted against a terminator...I mean an expendable...I mean a transporter...or Jason Statham. He arrives, destroying his brother's hospital to get to his bedside so he can make a vow to avenge him as any good brother would. Bad news is...to avenge him he needs to take on Dom and the super friends. I mean seriously, when did the Fast and The Furious become a James Bond movie. They can do whatever they want and not only survive but seemingly be untouched by the bullets or cliffs or driving a car out of a building...and into another building and then into another building. I realize that going into these movies for a person to expect it to be an accurate portrayal of our world is well unrealistic. Soon though Vin Diesel is gonna have to put on tights and an S on his chest because he is undestructible. Not do to any armor but a magic white t-shirt. No harm can come to him. Remember when Dom was a mechanic who just liked to rob people? When Brian was a FBI agent who was bringing down a gang of thieves using street racing? Remember when they went to Tokyo with that kid with a southern accent from Frailty? All of them are back. Dom is in his mechanic get up and Brian pulls out his FBI stuff for a minute...and yes even Lucas Black is back to help Dom out for a second.

The story goes that to find Deckard Shaw...brother to Owen Shaw in the last movie and avenge the death of Asian Driver....they must first rescue a kidnapped hacker (who happens to be hot as hell) and find software she developed much like the software from The Dark Knight that can track anyone down in the city and give it to Kurt Russell who immediately gives it back to them so they can find Shaw. I know...why would they do that when Deckard Shaw seems to keep trying to kill them so finding him really isn't that hard? But Cars! and Booty! and Michelle Rodriguez making me all hot and bothered with her smoky voice and her ability to kick my ass. Is that just me? So no, Furious 7 is not a great movie, it is an epic movie and no it isn't well scripted but who needs a script when car boners are everywhere. It is all happening...all at once. When in doubt...blow shit up. That makes the movie. In the end, I didn't come here to see an oscar worthy period piece. I came to see some hot cars, some hot girls in a bikini (on a side note, is it not uncomfortable to have a bikini wedged in your crack?) and a nice actiony movie where the good guys win. Sure it's ridiculous bullshit but... car boners. 

Mr. Unhappy sez: If this were a Oscar movie... I would not have had so much fun. So fuck that noise. It is awesome and blowy uppy and why aren't you seeing it right now! Right....now! Now! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNow!

Postponed... till saturday....

So I went to a baseball game last night and on the way back I was asked what my blog would be. I don't know for crissakes. I haven't had the time to see a damn movie this week and I wanna. I'm jonesing hard for sweet sweet flicker. I was gonna go tonight but then work intervened. Long story short...I'm off Saturday. If I don't do a blog then, I'm posting a pic of myself with a shoe on my head. Until then Unhappiers....

Don't slam the effing door!

I'm a little off this week as my schedule changed. I usually have Thursdays off so I can write a blog and take my time so you all get your weekly need for movie goodness from the sweet sweet heroin that is Mr. Unhappy's Movie Blog. I am really putting forth the effort to be consistent with my blogging because well, it would be nice if I got better at doing what I do and maybe found a way to get some dollar bills in my pocket for watching movies... that's the dream. So forgive me my briefness with this blog. No less important and a movie worth seeing. I give you...

Winnebago Man

If you haven't seen the collection of outtakes from a Winnebago man slowly losing it while shooting a commercial, you have not laughed hysterically. I mean this YouTube video should be on everyone's must list. You just keep laughing. I've seen it 20-30 times and it still makes me laugh with hysterics and sometimes cry. I never knew much about the man, Jack Rebney, who has been called the angriest man in the world. This documentary from filmmaker Ben Steinbauer starts because one such viewer of this video decided he wanted to find out more about the man behind the swearing, ranting, sweating man who had a bad day a long time ago and achieved Internet stardom. When he finally meets Jack, he finds a man much the same as the man in the video but very smart and can be quite affable. He curses like a sailor and is having health issues that make him unable to leave his home very often and he likes it that way. He and his dog live in the woods...fishing and enjoying the solitude that such a life gives. He is through with the world and doesn't care about his Internet fame. He doesn't want to cash in and use the embarrassment of his past to make him a star. He's eccentric and funny and a little bit crazy. Watching this movie gives me an understanding of the man and makes me laugh. So if you've seen the video and want to know more, check it out. If you haven't seen the video and just want to watch a funny and sometimes poignant movie, check it out. If you hate all thing internets and wish things were simple like the old days, rent the DVD and enjoy your day...because streaming it on Netflix is too hard for you. And above all...do me a kindness...will you do that? Watch the movie... and get these fucking flies out here...God damn it.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Winnebago man is a quality movie about a simple subject. Where is goes...no one knows but the journey is one worth taking...

Tyler Knew...The Wolfman has nards

Turk 182!

I remember this movie vividly from my childhood. It was one of those movies where as a kid, I didn't know what the hell was going on but I liked it. It is the story of a two bit criminal named Jimmy and his plan to take down the Mayor of New York City. The story really isn't that simple. Timothy Hutton plays Jimmy and loves his brother Terry "Turk" Lynch. One night when Terry is off duty, the apartment building across from the bar Terry is drinking in catches fire. As a fireman, Terry rushes headlong into the fire and saves a little girl. Unfortunately he is blasted by a fire hose out a second story window and injures himself. The insurance company refuses to pay out because Terry was drunk at the time. It is one of those ridiculous moments when common sense should override the "rules" but Terry is denied and unable to work, he loses most everything. Jimmy is incensed and takes it downtown to plead with the Mayor for assistance in his brother's case. When he is turned down and the mayor calls Terry a "drunk", Jimmy vandalizes the mayor's office with all the rejection letters. Mayor Tyler believes that Terry did it so he sends over a his heavy handed police thug (Peter Doyle or Raymond's Dad) to get him to confess. Soon Terry is in the hospital after a suicide attempt fails.

So Jimmy goes on a campaign of vandalism against the "anti-vandalism" Mayor through major public displays. At a new subway that claims to be Anti-graffitti and then the scoreboard of a New York Giants Football game. All bearing the message Turk - 182 which is a combination of his brother's nickname and the number on his fire helmet. Timothy Dutton, who has gone on to be in some great movies and TV (like the criminally underrated Leverage) is still relatively young here and the performance is not his best. Robert Urich, Peter Doyle and Kim Cattrall (as a social worker looking into Terry's case who takes a shine to Jimmy) all perform admirably but the story and acting is not why you go to this movie. It is the high shenanigans that Jimmy gets into. The last scene on the Brooklyn Bridge is perhaps one of the most ridiculous and fun scenes I've seen. They play for drama but it hits as a comedy. There is not a great reason to love this movie but do you need one? I love Star Wars but it isn't just for one reason. The same here. It is just a fun movie that you would like to watch. Don't think too deeply on it. It just is.

 

Mr. Unhappy Sez: Turk 182! is not great and not a story that leaves you with profound theories on life and why we live it. It is a movie and an entertaining one. Just for the nostalgia.

 

 

  The Monster Squad

Kids...we have no sense. I remember this movie as being one of my favorites. Watching it now I am reminded of the nostalgia and my impassioned love of it but for the life of me, I can't see why. The Monster Squad is one of those what if movies. What if the movie monsters from our parents youth (Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy, The Wolfman and The creature from the Black Lagoon) are all real and working together to take over the world and plunge it into darkness. The only hope for humanity (because no parents believe in this garbage anymore) are a ragtag Goonies -lite group of kids calling themselves The Monster Squad. The movie spends most of it's time setting up the Squad and Frankenstein as a soft headed cuddly nice guy who likes to drink tea with little girls. This is not a great movie but it is fun and enjoyable and "Goonies"ish in it's storytelling. These kids are on an adventure and they end up saving the world. Sorry...spoilers. And it has perhaps the best exchange in movie history. 

 

"Kick him in the nards!" 

"Wolfman don't have nards!"

Boy kicks Wolfman in nards...wolfman falls.

In pure childlike amazement... "Wolfmans gots nards!"

 

OK maybe not in movie history but it's close.

 

Mr. Unhappy sez: It's a joy to watch and something to enjoy with your children... or by yourself...no judgement...

 

 Some Unhappy Fun Facts about The Monster Squad:

 

 

 

 

 

Kidnapping for dummies...

I've held a belief that movies can heal most anything. When I am sick, I want nothing more than to curl up and watch a movie. When I am lonely I watch a movie. When I am happy, the movies can keep my attitude moving in the right direction. I remember in the pilot of Dawson's Creek (written by my screenwriting twin brother Kevin Williamson) Dawson explained to Jen (Michelle Williams) that the answer to all life problems can be solved through the movies of Steven Spielberg. While I don't have an unabashed love of the berg...I do think the premise is valid. I live it. I've gotten through losing a job, losing a girlfriend, having a bad day or just needing to hide through the flickering motion pictures of my lifetime. With Netflix it is now easier to find the movies you need at the palm of your hands. Lost your lady or manly love? Ooooo here is a movie that shows you that losing the person you think you should be with can lead to the person you are destined to be with. Need to blow off some steam? Here's an action movie that has a higher body count than most horror movies. Want to see some popular kids get slapped around and murdered by a psychopath in a hockey mask? Here's Jason. Sometimes you just need to stop livin and get to relaxin. You can't fall into the black hole of despair if your friends Han Solo, Indiana Jones and Jack Ryan. Find your inner movie character and enjoy living through their somewhat improbable stories. That's your homework. 

To help, here are some good movies streaming on Netflix....

Suicide Kings

I owe the enjoyment of this movie to a co-worker who came in and told me to see it. His name was Eric Smith. I remember seeing this the first time and subsequently every other time I've shown this movie to someone, they have all had a similar reaction. Oh these guys are fucking dead. Suicide Kings is the story of four friends who, when one of their sisters is kidnapped, come up with the plan to kidnap a retired mobster (played with zeal by Christopher Walken) and have him pay the ransom. Whatever happens to her, happens to him. Oh...these guys are fucking dead. Jay Mohr, Eliot from E.T., Leonard from Big Bang Theory and Sean Patrick Flannery are the guys who are fucking dead. This is one of those movies where you watch just to see what happens. Will Ira (Johnny Galecki) survive because he is the man? Will Denis Leary's bodyguard find the hapless kidnappers and get the sister back? Will Walken turn four lifelong friends on each other? That's the key to this movie. The general power of Walken's character to assess the situation and turn it to his advantage. He is cordial and sweet, flattering them while always being that one step ahead of his captors. This is one of the rare breed of movies that keeps you guessing and cheering throughout. Don't let this pass you by. It is one of my favorite movies of all time. Just a great movie.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: It's worth watching just for the running commentary on fish boots. 

Unbreakable

Do you remember when a movie by M. Night Shyamalan meant that you would be an instant "Oh take my money!" moment? No? I agree that the Happening was strangely awkward and just lame (cue Mark Wahlberg's "What...no?") and The Lady in the Water was an overstuffed movie with too much involved to be taken seriously. Don't even get me started on Airbending or After Earth...the latter seemed to spend a lot of time distancing itself from M. Night. If you want to see solid promising film making and the slow burn moody suspense that he originally brought us, see The Sixth Sense (I see dead people...), Signs (Swing away, Merle) and to a lesser extent The Village (there are no memorable quotes but seeing Bryce Dallas Howard stumble around the woods as a blind girl is worth it for the most part). Those movies set forth a premise and slowly built to a moment where you were both surprised and happy with the resolution. People will complain about Signs and the resolution but seriously the same issue is true in any alien movie. War of the Worlds, Independence Day are full of "Oh you gotta be fucking kidding me..." moments. Still, the movies were great. His second movie, Unbreakable falls into this great stream of movies. After Sixth Sense and before Signs when he wasn't quite the douche bag he would become. It stars Bruce Willis as the lone survivor of a train crash who emerged from the wreck uninjured. Throughout the movie which deals with lost love, family, comics, the hero and the villain, we are drawn through the path Willis takes to becoming a hero that can do real good in the world. It is a story for the comic book geek in me and made me love the super hero story again after the debacle of Batman and Robin. It was a movie that I would dare say was a precursor to The Dark Knight Trilogy of movies that too the world of super heroes and brought it into reality.

Mr. Unhappy sez: I know that recommending a M. Night Shyamalan movie is risky. I'm not worried. If you don't like this one, I don't wanna know you.

 

Hitch

 

My first two movies were mostly made for guys and don't give you too many warm and fuzzy moments. I mean Denis Leary with the toaster in Suicide Kings gives me goosebumps but not for the reason you think. So I've lightened the mood a little and am gonna give you Hitch. Kevin James and Will Smith star in this romantic comedy as a romantic loser (James) and the date guru (Smith) who helps him land the woman of his dreams by breaking through all the bullshit that women put in their way to rule out matches quickly based on superficial and sometimes insane reasons. Eva Mendes stars as a reporter who is cynical and doubtful of love who catches Hitch's eye and shows that even the smoothest of operators is quickly undone by the woman of his dreams. It's hard to try not to mess up a relationship. Take it from me who has ruined more love than given it.  Hitch is a smart movie that starts one way and ends in a completely different spot. Is the dating consultant the reason these people fell in love? Or was he just a catalyst to get two people that belong together to see one another. I am constantly left smiling when watching this movie. It gives me faith in love and humanity. It makes sense and also is just damn entertaining. What more do you want? A cookie?

Mr. Unhappy sez: This is a fun, engaging romantic movie. Watch it with someone you love or like me, think about that girl you still have feelings for but aren't allowed to speak of. It can give you hope, which is dangerous and well hopeful.

Down To You

 

 

This is not a good movie. I left that in bold to give you a warning that this movie will most likely give you a headache of ridiculousness. Freddie Prinze Jr and Julia Stiles are not the best story of love ever but for some reason I like it. It has a message of desperation and need that leads me to believe that sometimes fighting for what you want is what you need to do. In many ways this is a story of two vastly different people who fall in love and then struggle to maintain it. Freddie is a producer for his TV cook dad (this was big in the 90's) and Julia Stiles is Imogen, the hippie girl who steals his heart. What I enjoy is that the movie doesn't gloss over what it takes to make things last. My one major complaint about the expectations people have of falling in love is that trouble never happens. That the person you love doesn't drive you slightly mad. Love is madness. Who would sign up for this disease that can both make you happy and drop you to the depths of despair when getting out of bed is seemingly impossible if they had a choice? The lesson learned is that you can't control love. Sometimes you just have to go for it and commit to it and hope that the person you're with makes that same decision. Sometimes you win and sometimes (like me) you lose and sit around wondering what could have been smelling her shampoo (not so much like me) until it just about drives you mad. Moving on is what everyone tells you to do. Sometimes (and this movie tells this side of the story) you just have to hope that the decision you made to love someone isn't gonna change regardless of who you sleep with or try to move on with. Sometimes it comes (quite cheesily) down to them. That's the truth.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Don't be fooled, this movie is cheesy and overwrought but sometimes life gives you a need and this movie fulfills that need. That and an appreciation for Barry White and women's shampoo.

 

 

 

Diverging

Last year I read the first book of The Divergent Series in which Beatrice Prior who after living her whole life in one of the five factions (Abnegation, Dauntless, Candor, Amity and Erudite) that make up this post-apocalyptic world in the vein of a thousand other YA novels these days, finds she is Divergent, meaning she can belong to many factions. This is looked down upon because keeping the factions going is all this world knows. It is a great parable for growing up in which you find that you may not be the same as your parents or that you are not solely what people want you to be. No one wants to be an outcast (The Factionless in the novels) but  you never want to just follow in your parents... To quote Varsity Blues and The Beek "I don't want your life..." and then he proceeds to turn down Ali Larter in that whip cream bikini...just like his daddy would've. Weak sauce Van Der Beek. So I saw the movie and then I read the book. I know what people are saying. How can you do that? Well I didn't know I'd like the movie. I just assumed it might make a fun film and I secretly harbor a crush on Shailene Woodley. She is just one of those girls. A Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johannson type girl who you think you want to know. I hear she's very cool and maybe she wants a chunky guy in his later 30's who thinks she is the bees knees. Who knows? I enjoyed the story so much that I went home and bought all three books for the sole reason of adding more understanding to the characters I now already liked. Now a year later, Insurgent, the movie for the second book in the series came out and I thought it might be fun to jump back into this series. So on new movie Thursday...

The Divergent Series: Insurgent

Insurgent is one of those sequels that serves the purpose of moving the story along but really doesn't break new ground. It opens a few days after the first movie and Beatrice "Tris" Prior and her love "Four" as they escape from the happenings in the first movie.  Soon they are on the run from Erudite and blah blah stuff and soon Tris is sacrificing herself to save us all. I liked the movie, I did but I was reminded of why I stopped reading the second book. It just goes where it is supposed to go. There is no point to the movie other than to take down the evil Erudite leader Janine in the most passive way possible and show that Tris and Four are the most bad ass of the bad ass. I get they are the heroes but countless times they are outmatched and outgunned and a simple damn shot to the face would stop them but no...they let them live because...reasons.

Shailene Woodley is still very capable but she seems almost bored here. The movie doesn't move because the characters do it, the characters do something because the movie needs something to happen. Oh they are in Amity and not in danger...oh Tris, punch someone in the face to upset the Amity (you see what I did there?) Tris is broken up because she killed someone she cared about...let's give her a truth serum so she is forced to tell us who she killed so we can have some made up bullshit drama. The movie goes on like this over and over again. 

I realize that this is the middle chapter in the series but unlike Empire or Godfather Part 2...this movie stagnates as it comes up with a plot device to make people do stuff. I just wanted them to go somewhere and have to react. Not to mention that the action is just as boring. Every fight ends in 3 seconds and the hero simply wins because they are the hero. In Divergent, Tris was vulnerable... in Insurgent, she is unstoppable. She and Four dispatch their enemies with relative ease so any threat they posed in the first movie is overwhelmingly nullified by this movie. 

I want to like this movie and it is not without it's moments. The simulation scenes are awesome and there are some cool moments where you want to believe the story they are telling you. I wanted to see more moments of Tris and Four being in love and enjoying each other. I wanted there to be a reason to root for them as there was in the first movie. I liked that Peter was redeemable except that it is all done a little conveniently for me. Tris is a character that is owed more to do than fret over her loved one's and be forced to act all the time. She deserves better. Especially when it seems no one really seems to care about her but Four. Her own brother... I mean seriously what the hell is wrong with her brother? I'm not one to not recommend a movie and I will still recommend this one because it moves the story closer to where I wanted it to be for this one. Out of the society and the factions and into what is their world. 

Hopefully the third book and the impending movie will answer my questions and bring us closer to resolutions to the questions I have. I'm going to read the second book now but unlike the first book, where I was enraptured by the world, I am going into this book seeking answers as to where this movie went wrong.  I intended to be more positive when I started this review but as I thought about it, I realized that the movie wasn't great. Shailene was great, Kate Winslet was great but where this movie goes wrong is when they make decisions for the character based solely on someone saying "Whelp, we haven't had this guy do anything for awhile...let's insert him or her or creepy brooding factionless guy." It just never raises the stakes. It stagnates and seems like a filler for the next book/movie where the action will get a going. 

Overall....

Mr. Unhappy Sez: I wanted this to be good but in the end it was bland. I wanted to see more of Shailene Woodley and all I got was dry humped by her naked back... oh well. It was still interesting. That's more than I can say for a lot of movies out there. I'll wait and see what happens in Part 3... and I'm glad I saw it.

 

Like a window to your soul...

So I've been doing alright with this new format and enjoying myself a little but it grows harder (he says without irony) to keep up with movies in theaters. Let's face facts. Movies are expensive and if you have a family (I don't but you may because you aren't 50 shades of fucked like I am...to paraphrase 50 Shades...) it is even harder to find a movie that doesn't involve a smurf or squarepants or minions of some sort. I will say that Frozen was fun but parents know that once your kid has screamed out "Let it Go" for the 90th time, we need a little me time and hopefully some boobies or some adult language or both! That's where your boy Mr. Unhappy comes in. I watch a whole lot of shitty movies. The type when you look at your list and say "This looks good but do I want to waste 2 hours of my life watching it." I've done the work for you. So what follows is my what to watch when the watching is good and some to avoid. 

Open Windows

Open Windows is a movie shot solely as though you are watching it on the screen of Elijah Woods character's computer. Modern Family just did an episode with a similar premise. This is not the loving Pritchett/Dunphy clan. This is a voyeuristic ride through the world of celebrity stalking. Elijah Wood plays Nick Chambers, an avid fan of Jill Goddard (Sasha Grey who I love) the "It" girl in Hollywood. He has won a contest to have a date with Jill but as the date arrives, Jill cancels or so Chord, the owner of the website sponsoring the contest. So as a consolation prize, he hacks Jill's phone and computer to give Nick an open window into the life of the celebrity he loves. This is a movie about our culture today where every moment in a celebrity's life is fair game. The Fappening would fit in well with this movie. How far would you go? Isn't it harmless to listen to her private calls or look through her hotel room window? Who is being hurt there? Obviously it isn't but this movie lets you decide how to feel. There is a creepiness and overwhelming desire to root for Nick, even though he is complicit in everything that goes on. There is a desire to see that bitch actress who thinks she's too good for her fans get her just desserts. Sasha Grey is the winner here. Making the move from hardcore porn to legitimate movies is hard (again without a slice of irony) and she is doing it flawlessly. I love her character Jill who makes liking her as a person not easy but still appeals to the audience enough that you don't want her to die or be harmed. It is a fine line to balance and Grey does it easily. She's quickly becoming an actress to watch in Hollywood. I hope she finds more roles. The promise seen in The Girlfriend Experience is paid off here.

Mr. Unhappy sez: This is a rare movie that gets the elements right. It scares, it has a message and it keeps the viewer watching. 

Killer Legends

I feel I may have been one of the only ones to watch Cropsey, a documentary on an urban legend that takes you on an adventure and keeps suspense throughout. Sadly Killer Legends, the follow up is not nearly as intriguing. I liked the legends and the look at different urban legends from across the country but the overall creepiness is lacking for a movie about what led to people believing in the hook man or the poisoned Halloween candy or Texarkana's The Town that Dreaded Sundown (the new movie is on Netflix...check it out for a fun horror movie.) I wanted more from this movie and it just didn't deliver enough on the scares. It was intriguing to see where the legends came from but I would recommend Cropsey if you wanna feel the fear of the legend and not just the legend behind them.

Mr. Unhappy sez: As a documentary it was sufficient. As a follow up to Cropsey, I felt let down. Still an interesting trip if you ever wondered about urban legends.

Life After Beth

So you like zombies. Well then this movie is right up your alley. Aubrey Plaza stars as Beth, a girl who dies but is brought back to life through a never quite explained cause and plays havoc with the lives of her boyfriend and her family. This is a comedy and I Dane DeHaan is great as Beth's slightly creepy boyfriend, Zach. Having lost Beth, Zach is losing his touch with reality. He spends his time laying in his room snuggling a scarf owned by Beth. When her parents stop taking his calls or letting him come over, he takes matters into his own hands and stumbles upon his now zombiefied girlfriend Beth. She seems normal enough but like any good zombie movie fan will tell you, the thing inside your girlfriend is not Beth. Soon she is having mood swings, bringing dirt to the attic and only being soothed by horrible muzak. Life After Beth is an interesting ride and one worth taking. It is crazy and scary but overall it is a winner if you like funny crazy movies and I do. Aubrey Plaza is one of my favorite actresses and hopefully due for more acting roles. She's so pretty I might take advantage of her zombie body...and now I am really rediscovering my need for therapy.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Life after Beth seems like a fun ride to go on...but I'm not sure I could deal with having a zombie apocalypse so I could have my lady back...I take that back. I probably would. I'm that romantic.

Hesher

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is one of my favorite actors. I wanted to like his writing and directing debut Don Jon a year or so ago but I just couldn't. There was zero point to it. Hesher is a movie from a few years ago which stars JGL as Hesher, a loud abrasive homeless slacker who moves in with a grieving widower, his mother and his equally grieving and angry son. Life is not easy for this family and having someone like Hesher in their lives doesn't make it easier but he does have a healing factor to this family. This is a movie about loss and how you recover when your world is shit and you just can't move forward. Natalie Portman drops in throughout and the chemistry between her and JGL is palpable. I'd love to see these two star in a romantic comedy or just eat cereal. Hesher is a fun movie and has a heart that makes you appreciative of the anti-hero Hesher. I feel this was the tone JGL went for with Don Jon but Hesher is a better movie. It has a point and you enjoy it.... something I felt was lacking in Don Jon.

Mr. Unhappy sez: Hesher is loud, angry, dangerous and a jackass. This movie is a highlight of the best of JGL. The juice is worth the squeeze...to paraphrase The Girl Next Door...

Hesher and Killer Legends are streaming on Hulu. 

Open Windows is streaming on Netflix.

Life After Beth is available on Amazon Prime.

 

Nostalgia is like a woman's boobs...more than a handful and you risk a wrist sprain

I've been a lover of movies my whole life. Mostly thanks to my brother who made me watch movies too old and too adventurous for my taste. I was happy watching Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo. My brother on the other hand was watching Star Wars or The Breakfast Club. I still remember the scene where you see up Molly Ringwald's Skirt (or her stunt crotch's skirt) was my first introduction to human sexuality. Phoebe Cates and Fast Times At Ridgemont High was my master's course. Yet there were a lot of movies from my childhood that would inform my life. So on these weeks where I am giving you some cinematic homework, I ask that you remember the child in me and not take that in a creepy way just that I look back on some imperfect movies with fondness not because they are good movies but because they made me the lover of movies I am today. That sounded more dirty than I intended.

So for this week's throw back Thursday nostalgia moment....

Weird Science

If you grew up in the 80's or later, you should have seen all the John Hughes canon. They are required viewing for any teen looking for answers. For me I was a curious 12 year old who liked hanging out with my brother. Weird Science is perhaps the most undervalued of John Hughes catalog but in many ways the fantastical moments and scenes make it my favorite of the bunch. It is the story of 2 losers who wish very hard and with the help of their computer, build the perfect woman in the form of the unbelievable Kelly LeBrock. Garry and Wyatt (the aforementioned losers) are everymen in high school who aren't the popular kids. The watch the girls in their class with awe and realize that their place is there, watching and never hoping they can form meaningful and sexually fulfilling relationships. It is a place I felt often. So when they create Kelly LeBrock's Lisa, they have the girl of their dreams and the girl everyone wants. She is utterly and totally devoted to them. Lisa makes them see the good they have in themselves, stand up for themselves and ultimately get the girls they really want and get respect from their peers. If you've never seen Weird Science...the movie will be worth the watch. Like most John Hughes films. It totally holds up. I hear they will be remaking Weird Science....I hope they don't. It is perfect as is. 

Mr. Unhappy Sez: See this movie....if not for the nostalgia... because you don't see guys wearing bras on their heads everyday. Where did they get the bras by the way? Is that Wyatt's mom's bra on their head? This movie just keeps giving. 


Memorable Quotes:

Lisa: You okay? 
Garry: Well, my nuts are halfway up my ass, but other than that, I'm perfect!

*** 

Lisa: Have you ever wondered how sad it is, that your son's only sexual outlet is tossing off to magazines in the bathroom?

Garry: Mom, I never toss off to anything!
Lucy Wallace: [crying] You told me you were combing your hair!
Garry: But I was! I was!

 ***

Chet: [opens a pantry door, his grandparents are in there, frozen] Hi Nanny, hi Grampy.
Chet: [closes door and turns to everyone else] I'm not a moron, you know. I...
Chet: [suddenly realizes] Was that my grandparents?
Chet: [Lisa nods, Chet opens the door again] Are they dead?
Lisa: Oh, no, they're just resting.
Chet: What are they doing in here?
Lisa: I put them in there. I didn't want to Garry and Wyatt to get into trouble. Quite frankly, they weren't having a very good time at the party.
Chet: Not having a good time? Do you think they're having a good time being catatonic in a closet?

***

Chet: Like your panties!
Wyatt: It's a joke, Chet!
Chet: That's not a joke, that's a severe behavioral disorder. I mean, the next thing you know, you'll be wearing a bra on your head!

***

[Garry is chanting incoherently. Wyatt seemed very confused by his best friend's odd behaviour. They are both wearing bras on their heads]
Wyatt: Gary?... By the way, why are we wearing bras on our heads?
Garry: [hesitates] Ceremonial.

Food and feels...

Chef

I have to admit, I am a fan of John Favreau. Swingers spoke to me when I was younger and more romantic (you’re like a fucking bear with these claws). He directed Elf which changed the holidays in a sweet way during the most cynical times.  Iron Man alone started the world of Superhero movies as we know it and now Favreau has gone back to his roots and brings us Chef. Chef is the story of Carl Casper a formerly  acclaimed young chef who now is stuck in a restaurant that gives him little joy but pays the bills. His son is an accessory that he ignores mostly. He is a man on the decline of his life. His promise is fleeting, his family is stuck and his passion for food is stagnant. When a food critic trolls him into a vicious viral-video public confrontation his career is ruined.  Carl's ex-wife (Sofia Vergara) offers an unorthodox solution in Miami: refit an old food truck to offer quality cooking on his own terms. With his young son, Percy, and old colleague, Martin, helping, Carl begins a working trip across America with that truck to rediscover his passion and find the desire to remake his life again.

This is the type of movie where most everyone in it is an “Oh that guy/girl!” Scarlett Johansson is a hostess who sleeps with Carl. Robert Downey Jr shows up as Carl’s ex wife’s ex husband. Dustin Hoffman is the owner of the posh restaurant Carl works at who wants to keep Carl’s passion in check. John Leguizamo is Carl’s partner in crime who drops everything to help Carl with the food truck. The cameos are exhausting but the movie is so warm and inviting that they aren’t intrusive to the story. Each actor brings their own flavor (see what I did there) to the movie and they combine to give us a complete journey from Carl. A recipe to follow that leads to a dish you want to explore and engulf. Chef is a movie that makes you feel and motivates you to follow your passions even when they take you down different paths. I think John Favreau has hit it out of the ballpark again and maybe brought romance, idealism and family back to movies. It’s a great movie and free to watch on Netflix streaming.

In short...

Mr. Unhappy sez: Watch the fucking movie...

The ABC's of prison

Let me get on my soapbox a little, if you will. I was looking around online today and in between the porn and checking my Facebook, I ran across an article about a substitute teacher who showed her students the horror movie The ABC’s Of Death during her Spanish class and was just convicted of 4 felonies earning her 90 days in jail and 3 years probation. It gave me pause. The charge she is convicted of is “disseminating harmful materials to minors.”  Yes, the movie is graphic and has nudity and language and violence but how do you prove harm? What is harm? I got a killer hangnail once watching a approved movie in high school. I sure as hell have nightmares over the movies we were shown during Drivers Ed. So it’s the sex, isn’t it? That’s what is getting everyone’s panties in a bunch. To that claim I’d ask, is it porn? Is it something so far beyond the pale that it destroys families and creates school shooters. Let’s say she had shown Nasty MILFs In Leather. Is it obscene? Yes, and anyone who has seen that movie knows there are some scenes you can’t unsee so it might be a somewhat valid claim. She didn’t do that though. She showed her class a horror movie that she didn’t even watch. That seems harmless in and of itself. Can you convince me that kids aren’t seeing this stuff online? Are you saying that she is a criminal for showing a movie that is readily available online to minors who can watch it whenever they want? Sure, fire her ass for being a moron. Fire her for showing a movie and don’t let her near a school. Her time as a teacher should be over. Send her to prison? For a movie? I get that parents don’t want their children to watch movies like that but sending a woman to jail? Cause she’s stupid? How about the school district that hired this lady to teach a class that she can’t teach? I think it’s time to stop being so damn sensitive to our children. If this is the straw that turns your kid into a school shooter, I’ll wager something was gonna pull that ripcord soon enough. If your child is so damaged that he/she can’t sleep, then maybe you need to toughen your children up a little bit. Either way putting this woman in jail is not gonna help the kids unsee the movie and honestly, being a moron is not a crime. It should be...but it isn’t... yet. The teacher plans to appeal. Meanwhile The ABC’s of Death is on Netflix Instant Watch. Sit down with your kids and enjoy.

A long pounding deep orgasmic one and then a more realistic quick and underwhelming one

I’m marking this return to blogging with a special two movie review package. Speaking of packages...

Fifty Shades of Grey...

I have been living in a world where the magazines and articles have been telling me that the protagonist of Fifty Shades of Grey is the perfect man. That women secretly want this type of desperate loner bad boy with a heart of gold that secretly wants to love but can’t. Guys like me are sweet and stuff but if you can’t give the excitement and general fucked uppery of a Christian Grey, why should she bother with you? That women want to be man handled and taken while still maintaining the control over their own fate. That Anastasia and Christian’s romance is deeply deeply flawed is besides the point. It’s the fantasy. I’ll grant you that Christian Grey is an attractive man with billions to his name. He’s broken but is comfortable in his life. He does what he pleases and has control over all things in his life. Until the day Anastasia Steele (can I pause to consider that name for a moment?)... comes into his life. She is innocent, wide eyed and not really super impressed with him. Controlling her and possessing her is his singular obsession. We have a word for that. It’s called a stalker. Although is it still called stalking if the girl is hopelessly drawn to him for some reason? Or is it being sexy and dangerous? Either way, it’s probably not the best situation for Ana.

I’ve read that Fifty Shades of Grey is based on a Twilight fan fiction. I can see the parallels. Christian is a man Ana should not be with and she is not the type of girl you would think Christian should want to be with but they are both uncontrollably drawn to each other. He shows up at her work, conceives ways to meet her despite his uncontrollable desire to hurt her for his own pleasure. There are obvious choices for suitors besides Christian but she barely sees them. He wants to control her but seems to be led around by what Ana wants despite his own needs. I often thought that Ana had Christian as a loyal puppy who would follow her around and keep her out of trouble...only better because a puppy wouldn’t give her mind numbing, earth shattering orgasms. Fo that alone, I guess the viewer or reader can forgive Ana running back to him despite the pain and heartache that is all Christian can offer her.

The sex in the movie is graphic for an R rated picture. One wonders who they paid off to get this past the MPAA’s critical review. Sorry ladies, I didn’t see any wang but erect nipples  galore and the hint of vagina. I liked the movie, don’t get me wrong and I can even get behind the ham handed dialogue because it is all a fantasy. There is no billionaire Christian Grey waiting out there. As a fantasy this movie works great. Erotic and interesting, Fifty Shades tries to be an epic love story and ends up as a decent movie to watch if you can’t handle porn. It’s soft and fuzzy and makes you think that by golly someone will be drawn to your inner awkward despite this movie having so very little to do with actual love. Ana loves Christian though besides orgasms, I can’t figure out why. Christian keeps claiming he can’t love and will never want more from Ana but to control her. It’s a dream romance... apparently.

Mr. Unhappy sez:  Fifty Shades of Grey is one of those movies that makes it easy to see why finding love is so hard. Pun intended.

Quick Hit: Kingsman: The Secret Service

Having a movie like Kingsman makes me believe that good action movies can still be made. Action superstar Colin Firth stars as Galahad, a member of the Kingsman who is growing weary of losing his friends and saving a world that barely registers he exists. I was wondering if Firth, known more for romantic and dramatic roles, could pull off the role as a badass yet gentlemanly secret agent. He can. On both accounts. The story, which is absurd, is still solid and the characters are believable if not completely ridiculous parodies of themselves. Sofia Boutella is awesome as the legless nightmare assassin Gazelle. If you go into this movie with no expectation of greatness and Oscar worthy bravado, it succeeds on every level. If you want the King’s Speech... I pity you because that movie was ... awful. If you’ve been on the fence. See this movie.

Mr. Unhappy sez: This movie has it all. Action, violence, and butt sex. Yup. I said it and I'm spent.

Next Week : Netflix Movie of the Week

My Contract with you...and other things...and by contract I mean loose rules I'll probably break so don't hold your breath...

The New Unhappy Blog of Movies

So you may or may not have been wondering...where the hell is my boy Mr. Unhappy? Is he not seeing movies or is he just ignoring us in part because of a new job which now makes watching and reviewing movies infinitely harder to do? The truth is a little of both. Oh how I have missed my conversations to my constant readers who live with baited breath for me to blog something interesting for them to consume in the awful world that is movies these days. I'm not saying that everything is crap because as Lego so elegantly pointed out, everything is awesome. Well I've been just taking a hiatus and hoping to find that passion I once had for doing this. That's the truth and as the Oscars are tonight, and I've realized that I haven't seen any of the best picture nominees and really only Foxcatcher in the category of a nominated movie that was really good. 

I wanted to see Birdman but I just couldn't pull the trigger on it and sit down for two plus hours of Michael Keaton and Edward Norton with a boner. Just not my scene. Selma seemed like one of those powerful movies that would depress the hell out of me. A great movie, I am sure but like 12 Years a Slave last year, I am still recovering from the power of that movie. I plan on seeing it and I hope to review it soon! See what I did there? I teased it. Whiplash seemed like a good movie and again I wanna see it but just never pulled the trigger. I think that is the problem with this years nominees. They are no doubt great movies but nothing makes me want to jump out of my pants and run to the theater to see it. Most seem like a depressing treatise on what life is like in America right now. There is a lot of depressing and horrible things going on. I don't need my escapism to mirror back my own problems with the world. I like a good powerful movie but last year I had Nebraska and Her that gave me a way out of my own life and let me escape and laugh for a moment or two. 

I'm just burnt out on movies that want to tell me that life is depressing and ultimately you have to make the best of it. I know that, I live it. I'm a 36 year old single man who is considering what life will be like utterly and completely alone because I have no desire or want to start over again and again with a bunch of people who don't get me, don't want me and really just don't want to be alone while they look to find something better. I'm a placeholder, never the place. I get it. Hence Mr. Unhappy and not Mr. Constantly Smiling or Mr. Content. So when I go to a dark theater and sit through the ads and trailers for new movies, mad dogging anyone who comes after the scheduled start time because how hard is it to get to a goddamn theater on time and find a seat....but I digress. As I sit in that dark theater I want to be taken away for two hours and enjoy myself, feel good and leave with an uplifting feeling that makes getting back up as life knocks you down worthwhile and not preached to about my faults as a man, a white man, and a man who is busy repressing women everywhere. Do I know that these movies are like this...no. I haven't seen them but I have an idea that they might be and it makes me run from them like the plague.

So yeah...I failed this year to write anything for you because I was alternately scared out of my wits because I had no money and no job for over half the year and a crappy yet paying job for the rest of it that wipes me right the fuck out. I've failed you constant reader (which is really a hard thing to judge because I have no idea how many there really are of you out there) and I aim to do better. So I am coming up with a plan. I may not write long laborious reviews of movies but I vow to write at least one a week. 

That's it. One review a week with the subject matter changing in a four week cycle. Week 1 (This Thursday) will deal with a new movie or movies out now. Week two I will give you a movie or group of movies that are available for immediate streaming on Netflix or Amazon or Hulu (should I actually watch a movie on Hulu which is rare). Then the week after that I will throw back the clock and talk about a movie that I liked when I was growing up and was far less cynical and mean as I am now. And the last leg of our cycle will involve a movie you should see but may have been unable to pull the trigger on...or not. Maybe a movie you all want to see but shouldn't cause it blows donkey balls and as we all know, donkey balls suck hard. So I will promise that I will do this for you. I may not want to but I will at least give a you a "See the Breakfast Club...because it is balls out the best movie about teenage life ever." As simple as that...maybe with a picture or a clip or a moment. I want to share my love of movies with you... which was my goal when I started this blog. Back when I was happy...isn't that some Alanis Morrisette like irony for you?

Until Thursday... Mr. Unhappy Sez:  The key to life is being happy in what you got. I have a job, good friends, my family and clean underwear...who can complain. 

Coming this Thursday:

New Releases: 

Fifty Shades of Grey and The Kingsman...consider yourself teased.