Michael Bay is a douchebag

Michael Bay presents:

Transformers: Dark of The Moon

    Well Michael Bay, I can't believe you did it to me again. I can’t really say that the movie “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” is good. I wanted it to be for the child inside me that loved to watch Optimus Prime and the gang whoop on the Decepticons and hear Megatron say “I’ll get you next time, Optimus Prime!” The movie already had me at hello. It is very similar to the GI Joe movie where I ended up wanting to see it based on those childhood memories. Then along came Michael Bay with his “We don’t need a story as long as things blow up” mentality and f*cked us fans in the ass with a large dildo. What has he ever done that has been good? Pearl Harbor? The Island? Transformers? Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen? Armageddon? Bad Boys 2? The Rock? Of all those mentioned (which are of all the movies listed as Director on IMDB), I’d say that Armageddon and The Rock are the only acceptable movies. The rest were overblown special effects laden disasters. I mean honestly how does someone make a movie about Pearl Harbor that doesn’t evoke even a slight emotional reaction in the viewer? The tears are built in with that story!

Yet onto his latest aborted fetus of a movie, Dark of the Moon and I can only say that given the level of talent in this movie, I am shocked that they read the script and wanted to join. Only Megan Fox was smart enough to avoid the Bay monster for a third trip to explosionville. Perhaps she was bored with leaning over a motorcycle while Michael Bay filmed from inside her crotch or grew tired of standing in the middle of an exploding field attempting to care about Shia Lebeouf. Who knows? Maybe she was fired but ass can be replaced by ass so Michael went to the Victoria Secret’s catalogue and said “I want that one!” and Rosie Huntington became the useless girl with a smoking body who somehow finds Shia’s  Sam Witwicky attractive. After all, he has no job and is constantly threatened by Megatron and the boys... what’s not to love?

The “story” is about a crashed Autobots ship on the moon that contained the ultimate weapon in the war against the Decepticons. Apparently the space race of the 1960’s was to be the first to investigate the wreckage. They dust off Buzz Aldrin for a cameo and begin a storyline that involves what seems like a tired theme of having a planet (in this case the Transformers home planet of Cybertron) being pulled into our atmosphere.  Naturally the Autobots are going to stop the Decepticons from accomplishing this goal. Sam, though having saved the world and receiving a medal from Obama, can’t find a job. He is living with former British Embassy... God I just don’t care. This is how pathetic the story is! Josh Duhamel comes along and stares meaningfully at a green screen, Tyrese comes to make his one liners, Rosie Huntington- Whitely stares at things whilst in the middle of a bunch of exploding cars, and Shia goes on red bull infused rambling the likes of Charlie Sheen except not entertaining at all.

As for the transformers themselves, Leonard Nimoy plays Sentinel Prime, the pilot of that ship that crashed on the moon and for a guy floating in a cargo hold for 40 years he is kind of badass when it comes to fighting. Other than that, most of the transformers are just robots who occasionally fight each other and if you aren’t an autobot, chances are your head is gonna be removed. The climax of the film takes place somewhat unnecessarily in Chicago and they blow that town to hell. Slow motion special effects abound and when the credits roll, you are stuck wondering why you paid 13 dollars to see it? 

Michael Bay, you f*cked us again. You got my 13 dollars and then spit in my face and called me a moron. You insult the intelligence of your viewer and I’d like to give you a bit of homework. See good action movies like Die Hard or Iron Man. Take a story class and learn how to effectively move someone with the plot of a movie and not with explosions. Having a woman stand in the midst of explosions with a worried expression is not story. Right now you are simply Uwe Boll with a better budget.  The only saving grace of this movie is that star Shia LeBeouf has said that this will be the last of the Transformers movie. Please God let it end.

Mr. Unhappy Sez: Don’t waste the money, go watch the cartoon and enjoy. As for Michael Bay, I hope to God I never run across you in an alley. I’ll kick you square in the nuts and get my money back.

The returning and always controversial Golden Unhappy Awards

Shia LeBeouf: The "I'm Done" Award for Great Decisions by People in Horrible Franchises 

                          I've had 1 too many Red Bulls Award (also known as the Charlie Sheen Winning Award)

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley -   The Big Old Lips Award

                                                   The Useless Eye Candy Award for just sittin there lookin pretty

John Malkovich - The "Doing it cause I can" award

                               

Patrick Dempsey - McDreamy Award for just sittin there lookin pretty for the ladies...

Michael Bay- The "I stole 13 Dollars" AGAIN Award

5 things that you should see Ryan Reynolds in Before Green Lantern

I don’t want to jump on the bandwagon and beat up the superhero movie more than it already is. We all know that seeing a superhero movie is more about the effects than the story and by the time we’ve moved into weaker secondary characters like Green Lantern, we have reached into the DC Universe a little too far. Let’s stick with Superman, Batman, and Spider-man because you seem to have enough trouble delivering an entertaining storyline with them let alone digging into the bag and pulling out the Green Lantern. Yet hope seemed to be shining on a dog’s ass when DC pulled a casting gem in Ryan Reynolds. I’m a fan, I’ll admit it. He has consistently put a smile on my face in everything he does and in Green Lantern, it was no different but something was lacking. His wisecracks were at a minimum and they seemed more concerned with secondary characters rather than telling the story of Hal Jordan (Reynolds). As lovely as Blake Lively is, I did not come to the movie to see her. 

So while I can’t condemn the showing put forth by Green Lantern, I can’t say that I would recommend the movie to others. If you like superhero movies or special effect laden movies with explosions of buildings and not story, this may be a good movie. I’d rank it between Superman Returns and Spider-man 3. Not great but good. 

Mr. Unhappy sez: Not for everyone but worth a view. 

So with that being done, as I’ve said, I am a fan of Ryan Reynolds and I appreciate the work he’s done. I’ve compiled a few thoughts on some movies/TV work he’s done and I would recommend seeing before I would throw in Green Lantern. So in no specific order...

Definitely, Maybe 

This was a movie I was not expecting. Ryan Reynolds is the divorced father of Abigail Breslin who wants to know how her mother an father met. Instead of telling her the story, he unwinds a tale of three possible women, one of which is her mother and she gets to see if she can see which of the three women Elizabeth Banks, Isla Fisher and Rachel Weisz is her mother. Yet the story is not so much about the women of Reynold’s past as of which one of them is he still in love with. Sometimes a movie comes along that lets you see the course of a life in which things have gone wrong but are not doomed to stay wrong forever. This is one of those movies. Breslin as Maya, is a wise beyond her years girl who very well could be the daughter of a wiseass like Reynolds’ Will Hayes. Not only that but it shows a softer side to Reynolds and a departure from his previous work in Van Wilder. It raised his game as an actor and made movies like The Proposal possible.

Fifteen

My first experience with Ryan Reynolds was in this Nickelodeon TV show that lasted a few years. A Canadian show called Hillside was brought to the states and offered a soap opera for teenagers (like me when the show came out.) It was not a good show but it reminded me about my life as a teen. Between this show and Swan’s Crossing, I was given a soap that I could watch and relate to. Reynolds was the guy you wanted to be. Yes, this is a little harder to watch than say Green Lantern but it was still better.

National Lampoon’s Van Wilder

Van Wilder (Ryan Reynolds) is a big man on campus who has been at his college for seven years. Van spends most of his time throwing parties and "fund raisers" but his father decides that it's time for tough love, he doesn't pay his tuition. What to do now? Van has a limited set of skills and becomes a professional party thrower. At the same time, Gwen (played by a pre-drunk/crazy Tara Reid) who writes for the college paper, is tasked with doing a story on him, but Van is too busy partying to be interviewed so she writes it using info from people who have been on the receiving end of his pranks and so she writes an unflattering piece, which doesn't make him happy. He then dares her to see if she can get the true story but is more interested in trying to score with her, which is not easy because she has a boyfriend, who is a snob, and who is not too happy with the amount time she is spending with him. So he tries to get rid of him. This and the next movie on my list show Ryan Reynolds ability to get laughs through gross out and sarcastic comments. I dare you to watch this movie and not laugh.

Waiting...

I’ve never given much thought to what goes on in the kitchen of a restaurant and frankly haven’t cared to. I am overly nice to most everyone in the service industry and therefore am pretty confident that I will not piss anyone off so much that they  perform some of the acts in this movie. Is it possible that I have eaten a steak off the floor or shoved in someone’s crotch? Sure but if I don’t give anyone a reason to mess with my food, I’d like to believe that I haven’t earned that yet. Reynolds plays the enigmatic Monty, the king of the wait staff at an Applebee’s like restaurant. He helps a new waiter learn the tricks of the trade. Again, Reynolds is in a movie filled with gross out jokes and toilet humor with none of the Kevin Smith elegance. A youngish Justin Long also stars and web sensation Andy Milonakis pops up throughout. 

Blade: Trinity

The third movie in this series following vampire hunter Blade as he fights the war against the vampire master, Dracula. Yes, there is nothing to write home about this movie. It is as mindless and explosive as Green Lantern. Yet in the role of wisecracking Hannibal King, he rises above Wesley Snipes and steals the movie. Not to mention for those of you wanting to see abs and abs alone on Reynolds this movie delivers that too and in a non special effect green suit. Yet what makes this movie better than Green Lantern is that Ryan Reynolds takes chances in this movie that he doesn’t in Green Lantern. This movie shows Reynolds at the top of his game and in the midst of Wesley Snipes and Jessica Biel, he takes the movie. 

I think the point to take away from this is that when you have a talent like Ryan Reynolds is to trust him to make the character he is playing likeable. Even as a cad, Reynolds can shine through. I look forward to seeing him in the upcoming movie The Change-Up because I hope the director of this movie realizes the comedic talent he has. Hopefully I’ve given you some things to think about when you go to a movie and that despite the critical reaction to a lesser known movie, that movies can display the best of an actor or the worst. It’s up to how you handle the talent.

And just for the ladies...

You're Welcome

The Art of Getting Better...

     While I sat in my apartment tonight, watching the Giants try my patience with their one run approach to baseball, I decided rather suddenly to go to a movie. I know it is shocking that a guy who writes a blog about movies goes to see one when he needs to get out of his prison... erm apartment. There were two available movies this weekend. Green Lantern, typical summer blockbuster with heartthrob and Scarlett Johansson’s ex husband Ryan Reynolds. This seems like a movie made for this time of year when nothing is small and explosions are king. The other movie that came out this weekend is The Art of Getting By starring Julia’s better looking niece Emma Roberts and Charlie from that Tim Burton abortion of a remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (any movie that uses one midget and uses CGI to create an army of them is an abortion, little folk need jobs in Hollywood and outside of the Oompa Loompas they aren’t writing very many good roles) Freddie Highmore. Of the two, the latter seemed like my best option.

The story is of George, a teen obsessed with his own inability to care about anything looking at the last year of high school and the pressures of growing up. His family is no help, they just want him to knuckle down and get through it. His teachers don’t bother either and why would they when he has shown them little respect and finds their pestering him over homework annoying. Even in the one subject he should enjoy, art, he is uninspired and instead sketches pictures of his teacher being punched in the mouth. Along comes Emma Roberts as Sally, the girl of George’s dreams. She finds his aloofness charming and they become friends. For George it means not being alone anymore and he falls even deeper in love with her. 

Sally is not in love with George though and proceeds to lead the guy on until finally on Valentine’s Day she asks him to have sex with her and then laughs it off because she was kidding.  George is understandably upset and cuts off communication leading her into the arms of another man. The movie’s story is not original and they do not break any new ground. The performances in the movie are spectacular. Emma Roberts uses her It’s Kind of a Funny Story character and tweeks it to play the clueless and yet charming love of George’s life, Sally. I’m intrigued to see where she goes next. Between Funny Story, The Art of Getting By and Scream 4, I can see where she is considered an up and coming star. She certainly makes me care about her characters something her Aunt Julia has never done. Freddie Highmore plays the supposedly uncaring and morose George with believability as a kid who claims to not care about the world around him but always seems on the verge of crying.

I can’t say that this movie is a must see of the summer but it is a great movie for people who want to believe in a teen romance. The two actors here affect you and you root for their characters to both fall in love and just survive the chaos their parents and teachers throw around them. My favorite scene comes near the end when George finds the courage to finally tell Sally that he loves her and does not because she doesn’t already know that he does but because he owed it to her to say it and not let it be something unspoken. It takes real courage to do that and in the end, it may not work for you but if you reach for a star, you get burned but sometimes you are able to catch it. For those of us who never try, that is a message worth hearing.

Mr. Unhappy sez: The Art of Getting By is not a new love story but it certainly makes you feel it.

Midnight in the movie theater of good and evil...

Furious Kinky here. Mr. Unhappy as you could probably tell was going through some stuff and he has been less than willing to get out of bed let alone write about movies. So I offered to relieve the burden a bit and write about some of the things that annoy me  at the movies. I did so and now I am back again with you to write about the increasingly frequent act of movie theaters showing movies at midnight on Thursday nights. 

The midnight show is a dick hardeningly awesome for a guy like me who loves to stay up late and can get out of his house at midnight. Only so much time can be made interesting being by yourself in an apartment watching random TV. The midnight show of a brand new movie guarantees you being the first to see a new movie and puts you in a theater with people who really want to see the movie. There is nothing worse than seeing a movie with a bunch of losers who are seeing it with someone else and they are less than enthused to be there. You don’t get the gasps, the jumps, the screams, the random annoying applause. A midnight show practically ensures that those there want to see it and are as unable as you to wait 12 hours and see it at a reasonable time.

1. Watch out for the morons

The main problem with the showing is that you are inundated with groups of people who while probably intelligent in normal life (although some you just have to shake your head at and wonder) but who in the moments leading up to the movie find it hilarious to be loud, messy and climb over everyone in a row to go to the bathroom or snack bar 50 times a movie. You can usually weed out these Captain Geniuses when you walk in and are in line at the movie. The group is usually spread out through the line at the ticket counter and they shout back and forth like lost children wondering what movie they are seeing. That there is only one movie showing at the time is usually too much thinking for these brainless morons. 

If you want to get some snacks yourself, it is best to attempt to run to the snack bar before this group of pack minded individuals wanders over. It takes quite a while so they can play fight in the lobby and shove each other into other innocent people. This whole process makes me want to stomp repeatedly on their personal parts. The point is that once in line at the snack bar, you want to be ahead of them because the area behind them, besides being void of intelligent thought is a lost wasteland, dooming you to being lost in a unintelligent wave of indecision and useless tasks for the counter hops. You’ll most likely hear the phrase “I want a popcorn with butter, trilayered with rounded kernels, no salt and bacon bits sprinkled over the top.” Not to mention the Icee with mixed flavors but a fine spray of cherry coke over the top. Yes, much better to stay ahead of these people and get your popcorn and coke with a pack of red vines. If you do find yourself stuck behind them, best to just wander to the movie. Save you the frustration and desire to see blood spilled. Nothing ruins a good movie more than having to hide a body.

2. Seating 

The midnight show is perhaps one of the only times you cannot figure out whether or not the theater is going to be full, modestly sporadic seats or almost empty. When I went to see Land of the Lost, the Will Ferrell abortion of a remake, the theater was empty save me and two Siamese couples, joined at the crotch and mouth. The angry part of me wondered why they were here and the voyeur in me said, “Spank the ass a little friend!” So not all movies that have midnight showings are going to be filled. In those cases, you are safe to choose whatever seats you want. When the theater is packed, you have to get creative. Look for the cripple seating because most cripples go to sleep early and the elderly aren’t there that late. Whilst it can be awkward, if you need to curl your head back and drool a bit, people mostly leave you alone. Once the movie starts, you’ll be alone and able to enjoy the show. Also, last seats on the row or side aisle seats where the seats are off on their own and slanted towards the screen. All of these seats are considered undesirable and in rare instances when groups arrive to fill the row, they will attempt to leave a buffer seat. Yet the bonus is that you usually have an unobstructed view and rarely have to move to let people out or in.

3. The Costumes

This cannot be done for every movie. No one is gonna show up to the midnight show of Clerks 2 dressed as Dante or Randall. Yet if you go to a popular series such as Star Wars or Iron Man or Twilight, you can pretty much count on seeing one Jedi, wizard, iron man, or Team Jacob/Edward member. Your boy here is Team Edward all the way. I don’t wear my loyalties in costume shirt form but my brooding silent reading probably sells me for what I am. Costumes can be fun, especially if some extra special kids get into a wand/light saber fight at the front of the theater. It can be absolutely awkward and awesome. Plus some of the barely legal Team Edwardites are playing slutty vamps... gotta love that. 

4. Go Early

These movies, packed or not, usually have a line of some sort and can make your seating preferences tight if you arrive 5 minutes before showtime. I don’t pretend to know what people think when going to these shows but I do know that seeing two people walk in during the first trailer and standing at the front of the theater attempting to find a pair of seats next to each other incites frighteningly massive amounts of stabification (you know, the act of stabbing) in me and probably more than just me. Chances are if you arrive late a packed horror movie, you may make it through the opening credits like Jada Pinkett Smith in Scream 2. Like it or not, you’re going to have a tougher time in the dark finding seats so go early. Hell, who knows, I’ve been stuck in traffic for a midnight show and arrived with only 15 minutes to spare. Like the good Boy Scouts say “Be prepared” or die. 

5. Expect the lengthy trailer sections...

Midnight showings are usually reserved for movies the theater chain considers to be a blockbuster so they are going to stuff in about 5-7 trailers (previews for the group morons out there) and they are probably gonna be fun ones. Nothing I like more than seeing a trailer for a good movie that gets me pumped up before the movie. It is not gonna be an endless run of trailers for movies you’ve seen advertised for the past 6 months. No they are gonna debut the new Harry Potter (to the feet stomping delight of the fatty in the third row) or the American version of The Girl With a Dragon Tattoo. This row of trailers is prime real estate. Only the best survive. Granted sometimes you’ll be stuck watching the Transformers 3 trailer 5 times wondering why you’d want to see them further destroy the franchise without Megan Fox’s ass there for comfort. I don’t get it, and the new girl is not attractive. Sorry Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington but you stir the creature in my pants about as much as a pair of pliers and blowtorch does. Megan Fox, at least she had ass to block out her horrible acting. Huntington has a negative 5 POAness (piece of Ass ness) rating on the winkie meter... but I digress. 

The most important part to the midnight show is to love the experience. It is not like watching a movie during the day or at night on Friday. It is an experience unto itself and if worked correctly, the show can be the highlight of the week.

Some recent awesome midnight showings...

X-Men: First Class

The telling of how Professor X and Magneto became the men we saw in the first three X-Men films sets the series on solid ground again and offers a fresh take on characters that we thought we knew. Magneto especially benefits from the movie and shows what a force he is while offering a reason to his cynical view on mutant human peace. Let’s also just add that Jennifer Lawrence has one scene in full Mystique costume that leaves very little to the imagination. I never thought blue would ever describe a happy feeling in my pants.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides

This 3-D movie has the record of being the only movie to ever put me to sleep. I swear I was shot awake when a bunch of mermaids started attacking some dirty pirates and then Captain Jack brought everyone to the Fountain of Youth. Seriously did they need the first hour of this movie? Probably not but seeing it with a bunch of pirate happy viewers made it easier to digest.

Super 8

Does what you think it will do. It is the nostalgic and happy story of a group of preteens making movies when a train derails and a mysterious government experiment escapes and begins taking apart the small town of Lillian, Pennsylvania. The great moments of this movie revolve around the group of friends, probably in the last summer before they begin their teen lives and more importantly their journey to adulthood. Glances with the girl next door, loss, and having fun doing nothing with your friends. All great, all smart. See it.

Fresh Voice....

Mr. Unhappy Sez: Time for a change up...

I undertook this blog with the intention of writing about the things I love, movies. To say that movies are a part of my life is an understatement. Now I find it really hard to fill two blog entries in a week so I am switching it up a bit and am offering a weekly spot to a friend. His name is Furious Kinky, pronounced Fur-aye-us Kin-cay. I only mention it because Furious himself would say that to “know a man intimately is to know the proper pronunciation of his monicker.” So I now pass it off to Furious and his first entry into the lexicon...

Pisses Me Off

by Furious Kinky

Furious Kinky here and I am gonna start this entry with a few things about the act of going to the movies that pisses me write the hell off. I don’t want you to think that I am just a crotchety old man straight off the bat but well there are certain things that when I enter the movie theater just drive me write the hell up the walls and I think for the sake of my sanity and the desire to not bash your brains in when you are unlucky enough to wander into the movies when I am there. 

1. Kids in an “R” rated movie

I’m not a prude and I don’t give a crap if you want to bring your kids with you when you go to see a movie but let’s attempt to choose a movie that they might actually want to watch. If that movie is an “R” rated drama then let’s go. If not, you need to nut up a bit and get off the selfish wagon and hitch your ride to the nice simple kids movie playing in the theater next door. Nothing is worse than having some mindless 5 year old running about the theater yapping like a chihuahua on speed. I don’t want to hear them crying, screaming, or whining and I certainly don’t need to see them doing a pee dance and begging you to take them to the bathroom whilst you mack on your baby mama. I also don’t need you to tell them to be quiet because others are trying to watch the movie. That’s just as distracting as you sitting behind me occasionally stabbing me in the testes with a pair of scissors, the dull kind like you give your two toed wonder child, Jimmy so he won’t cut off the digits your inbreeding ass gave him. If I have to turn and look at you, the movie is already ruined for me and in the end, can’t you find a happy medium movie to take them to? If I enter a kid movie, I’m prepared to deal with it. If I enter Friday the 13th Part 12: Jason Rapes the Nanny, I’d prefer to not have little Jimmy chime in that Jason’s pee-pee is small.

2. Outside Food

I’ve been to the movies and I’ve snuck in my own food but I sneak in food that doesn’t reek so badly that it infects the entire theater with the egg salad sandwich for the remainder of the day. If you want to bring in your own bag of popcorn, a beer or three, I could give a crap. Keep it on the down low and enjoy the film. When you bring in a grocery bag filled with fried chicken or some nasty collection of various cold cuts, slather with garlic mustard and peppers with a splash of egg salad, you best get to stepping because Furious Kinky is gonna beat you like he was Chris Brown to your Rihanna. Stop it. What is good for outside picnics is not OK for the enclosed and somewhat hermetically sealed movie theater. I don’t want to sniff your horrible sandwich and I don’t want to know that you are in the theater. I want to watch the movie. And you... you know who you are, if you crinkle that potato chip bag one more time, I’m gonna rip out your eyes and eat them.

3. People Sitting Near Me When the Theater is Empty

I choose movies at times when there is very little chance for others wanting to go but I accept that I am not paying for every seat in the theater so there is a chance that someone else might come into the theater to watch it with me. That does not mean that I want you to sit down behind me and start kicking my seat. I also don’t care for it if you seat in my row near me, in front of me or within two rows of me. If I go to an opening weekend movie, I expect that there may be a whole lot of people who want to see the movie I am seeing. I accept that I may have someone near me and then I can’t be the anti-social person I wanna be. I’m not your friend, I don’t want to listen to you chat with your brainless bastard of a boyfriend who does nothing but remind me that this a-hole who probably beats you gets more of a chance with you than I ever will. I don’t want to smell the sexual tension between you and certainly I don’t want to even know that someone else is there. Any screams, laughs, or inane applause at the screen come from the live studio audience. As far as I am concerned, you do not exist, you do not matter, and personally I probably wouldn’t piss on you to put you out if you were on fire. I might laugh, I might kick you and call you a moron for not stop, drop and rolling but I will not unzip and put Captain Howdy near your flaming corpse. Is that crystal clear enough? 

So if you enter a movie theater and you see some lone guy or lady sitting there, maybe enjoying his/her popcorn and drink, and is completely alone in the 4th row middle don’t go sit in front of them so they have to take their feet down from the armrest footholder or sit behind them and begin to talk about how much Betty loves Frank but she can’t tell him but OMG it is so epic because Frank is totally balls out crazy in love with Veronica and Betty at the same time and also has thought about some boy love with Travis. Believe it or not, I don’t care and all you’ve done is invade my personal bubble with your crap and I’m being infinitely patient waiting for the lights to dim and maybe, if the Gods are with me you might shut your forever movie pie hole and play with your boyfriend’s nether regions for a little bit. 

4. Good God put away your cellphone...

People always chuckle when the “Please silence your cellphone” ad comes on the screen and it is all just a big ass joke to them, because they are Mr./Mrs. Important and if a call comes, it could be life or death. Barring your mother being rushed to the hospital after a horrific car crash everything else can wait for two hours. Hell, I’m sure even if there is a car crash or your child is kidnapped it can wait for two hours. I’m sure the baby-sitter will call the police, they’ll be on it and you don’t need to be involved until the story concludes on the screen. You do not need to text your friends who are sitting next to you that you “are totally geeking out about the movie!” I don’t wanna hear a chirp, a vibration against a chair, or see that bright screen on your phone go on. When I am watching a movie, the screen is lit up and when you flip open or touch screen activate that useless piece of crap phone you have to tweet your in movie actions to your two devoted followers, it blast me in the face and takes my eyes from the lovable actors on the screen and makes me look at you. I barely tolerate that you are around me, I don’t need to know that I have to check my twitter account to see what you wrote. I’ll check it after the movie when my actions won’t inconvenience anyone else. That’s what makes me an anti-social but OK person and you an a-hole.

5. Please show up on time...

So now we have arrived at the theater, no kids, no smelly foods, cellphones off and are at least 2 rows back of the nearest lonely bastard who is enjoying a movie in the vain hope that it will distract him/her from the disaster their life is. Everyone is settled, the lights dim and the random movie trailers start informing us which movie can take us away next week or next month and suddenly the door opens and some jackass still talking on his cellphone comes in, walks about 15 rows toward the front and stands there with his popcorn and drink, looking for a seat. As the person he invariably stands next to whilst making his decision of the most comfortable area to park it, I can tell you that while you may not even be talking, you are the only thing in the entire theater that I can pay attention to. Sit down. No one wants to look at you, no one cares that Billy and Susie are somewhere in the theater waiting for you, sit down and enjoy the show or at least find them without being as annoying as possible. I’d rather detach my eyes and step on them than look at you. You sir, piss me off because you have no real reason to be where you are other than the fact that you decided to wander into a movie after the lights went down because you couldn’t get your crap together to make the show your now interrupting with your aimless wandering.

The other group of half brain mouth breathers that fall in to this category are those people who decide to see 25 percent of every movie in the multiplex. The theater hoppers, and the morons who go into the wrong showing of a movie and think that the movie started a half hour early. What you are doing is basically stealing from the movie theater and not only that but you are doing it at the expense of everyone else in the movie that now has to put up with you wandering in and out of every theater. I don’t care what you do with your life, stop messing about with mine and go to the movie you paid for. Do you really need to see 25 percent of Bridesmaids or Fast Five?

The key to all of this is to be respectful of the other people you are watching the movie with. No one wants to see a movie with a bunch of strangers breathing down their backs with their foul smelling foods and kids running rampant all over the theater. Just sit back and enjoy the show, let the movie entertain you not your phone and trust that if you walk into a movie that has started but you thought you were early, that you may have walked into the wrong theater playing the same movie. Just, to quote Jerry Springer, be good to yourself... and each other. Then we can all have a swimmingly good time and no one needs to die a slow agonizing death because after you ruin my movie, I need something to enjoy and escape the ruins of my furious life.

My name is Furious Kinky and I approve of this.