Furious Kinky here. Mr. Unhappy as you could probably tell was going through some stuff and he has been less than willing to get out of bed let alone write about movies. So I offered to relieve the burden a bit and write about some of the things that annoy me at the movies. I did so and now I am back again with you to write about the increasingly frequent act of movie theaters showing movies at midnight on Thursday nights.
The midnight show is a dick hardeningly awesome for a guy like me who loves to stay up late and can get out of his house at midnight. Only so much time can be made interesting being by yourself in an apartment watching random TV. The midnight show of a brand new movie guarantees you being the first to see a new movie and puts you in a theater with people who really want to see the movie. There is nothing worse than seeing a movie with a bunch of losers who are seeing it with someone else and they are less than enthused to be there. You don’t get the gasps, the jumps, the screams, the random annoying applause. A midnight show practically ensures that those there want to see it and are as unable as you to wait 12 hours and see it at a reasonable time.
1. Watch out for the morons
The main problem with the showing is that you are inundated with groups of people who while probably intelligent in normal life (although some you just have to shake your head at and wonder) but who in the moments leading up to the movie find it hilarious to be loud, messy and climb over everyone in a row to go to the bathroom or snack bar 50 times a movie. You can usually weed out these Captain Geniuses when you walk in and are in line at the movie. The group is usually spread out through the line at the ticket counter and they shout back and forth like lost children wondering what movie they are seeing. That there is only one movie showing at the time is usually too much thinking for these brainless morons.
If you want to get some snacks yourself, it is best to attempt to run to the snack bar before this group of pack minded individuals wanders over. It takes quite a while so they can play fight in the lobby and shove each other into other innocent people. This whole process makes me want to stomp repeatedly on their personal parts. The point is that once in line at the snack bar, you want to be ahead of them because the area behind them, besides being void of intelligent thought is a lost wasteland, dooming you to being lost in a unintelligent wave of indecision and useless tasks for the counter hops. You’ll most likely hear the phrase “I want a popcorn with butter, trilayered with rounded kernels, no salt and bacon bits sprinkled over the top.” Not to mention the Icee with mixed flavors but a fine spray of cherry coke over the top. Yes, much better to stay ahead of these people and get your popcorn and coke with a pack of red vines. If you do find yourself stuck behind them, best to just wander to the movie. Save you the frustration and desire to see blood spilled. Nothing ruins a good movie more than having to hide a body.
2. Seating
The midnight show is perhaps one of the only times you cannot figure out whether or not the theater is going to be full, modestly sporadic seats or almost empty. When I went to see Land of the Lost, the Will Ferrell abortion of a remake, the theater was empty save me and two Siamese couples, joined at the crotch and mouth. The angry part of me wondered why they were here and the voyeur in me said, “Spank the ass a little friend!” So not all movies that have midnight showings are going to be filled. In those cases, you are safe to choose whatever seats you want. When the theater is packed, you have to get creative. Look for the cripple seating because most cripples go to sleep early and the elderly aren’t there that late. Whilst it can be awkward, if you need to curl your head back and drool a bit, people mostly leave you alone. Once the movie starts, you’ll be alone and able to enjoy the show. Also, last seats on the row or side aisle seats where the seats are off on their own and slanted towards the screen. All of these seats are considered undesirable and in rare instances when groups arrive to fill the row, they will attempt to leave a buffer seat. Yet the bonus is that you usually have an unobstructed view and rarely have to move to let people out or in.
3. The Costumes
This cannot be done for every movie. No one is gonna show up to the midnight show of Clerks 2 dressed as Dante or Randall. Yet if you go to a popular series such as Star Wars or Iron Man or Twilight, you can pretty much count on seeing one Jedi, wizard, iron man, or Team Jacob/Edward member. Your boy here is Team Edward all the way. I don’t wear my loyalties in costume shirt form but my brooding silent reading probably sells me for what I am. Costumes can be fun, especially if some extra special kids get into a wand/light saber fight at the front of the theater. It can be absolutely awkward and awesome. Plus some of the barely legal Team Edwardites are playing slutty vamps... gotta love that.
4. Go Early
These movies, packed or not, usually have a line of some sort and can make your seating preferences tight if you arrive 5 minutes before showtime. I don’t pretend to know what people think when going to these shows but I do know that seeing two people walk in during the first trailer and standing at the front of the theater attempting to find a pair of seats next to each other incites frighteningly massive amounts of stabification (you know, the act of stabbing) in me and probably more than just me. Chances are if you arrive late a packed horror movie, you may make it through the opening credits like Jada Pinkett Smith in Scream 2. Like it or not, you’re going to have a tougher time in the dark finding seats so go early. Hell, who knows, I’ve been stuck in traffic for a midnight show and arrived with only 15 minutes to spare. Like the good Boy Scouts say “Be prepared” or die.
5. Expect the lengthy trailer sections...
Midnight showings are usually reserved for movies the theater chain considers to be a blockbuster so they are going to stuff in about 5-7 trailers (previews for the group morons out there) and they are probably gonna be fun ones. Nothing I like more than seeing a trailer for a good movie that gets me pumped up before the movie. It is not gonna be an endless run of trailers for movies you’ve seen advertised for the past 6 months. No they are gonna debut the new Harry Potter (to the feet stomping delight of the fatty in the third row) or the American version of The Girl With a Dragon Tattoo. This row of trailers is prime real estate. Only the best survive. Granted sometimes you’ll be stuck watching the Transformers 3 trailer 5 times wondering why you’d want to see them further destroy the franchise without Megan Fox’s ass there for comfort. I don’t get it, and the new girl is not attractive. Sorry Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington but you stir the creature in my pants about as much as a pair of pliers and blowtorch does. Megan Fox, at least she had ass to block out her horrible acting. Huntington has a negative 5 POAness (piece of Ass ness) rating on the winkie meter... but I digress.
The most important part to the midnight show is to love the experience. It is not like watching a movie during the day or at night on Friday. It is an experience unto itself and if worked correctly, the show can be the highlight of the week.
Some recent awesome midnight showings...
X-Men: First Class
The telling of how Professor X and Magneto became the men we saw in the first three X-Men films sets the series on solid ground again and offers a fresh take on characters that we thought we knew. Magneto especially benefits from the movie and shows what a force he is while offering a reason to his cynical view on mutant human peace. Let’s also just add that Jennifer Lawrence has one scene in full Mystique costume that leaves very little to the imagination. I never thought blue would ever describe a happy feeling in my pants.
Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides
This 3-D movie has the record of being the only movie to ever put me to sleep. I swear I was shot awake when a bunch of mermaids started attacking some dirty pirates and then Captain Jack brought everyone to the Fountain of Youth. Seriously did they need the first hour of this movie? Probably not but seeing it with a bunch of pirate happy viewers made it easier to digest.
Super 8
Does what you think it will do. It is the nostalgic and happy story of a group of preteens making movies when a train derails and a mysterious government experiment escapes and begins taking apart the small town of Lillian, Pennsylvania. The great moments of this movie revolve around the group of friends, probably in the last summer before they begin their teen lives and more importantly their journey to adulthood. Glances with the girl next door, loss, and having fun doing nothing with your friends. All great, all smart. See it.
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