Fresh Voice....

Mr. Unhappy Sez: Time for a change up...

I undertook this blog with the intention of writing about the things I love, movies. To say that movies are a part of my life is an understatement. Now I find it really hard to fill two blog entries in a week so I am switching it up a bit and am offering a weekly spot to a friend. His name is Furious Kinky, pronounced Fur-aye-us Kin-cay. I only mention it because Furious himself would say that to “know a man intimately is to know the proper pronunciation of his monicker.” So I now pass it off to Furious and his first entry into the lexicon...

Pisses Me Off

by Furious Kinky

Furious Kinky here and I am gonna start this entry with a few things about the act of going to the movies that pisses me write the hell off. I don’t want you to think that I am just a crotchety old man straight off the bat but well there are certain things that when I enter the movie theater just drive me write the hell up the walls and I think for the sake of my sanity and the desire to not bash your brains in when you are unlucky enough to wander into the movies when I am there. 

1. Kids in an “R” rated movie

I’m not a prude and I don’t give a crap if you want to bring your kids with you when you go to see a movie but let’s attempt to choose a movie that they might actually want to watch. If that movie is an “R” rated drama then let’s go. If not, you need to nut up a bit and get off the selfish wagon and hitch your ride to the nice simple kids movie playing in the theater next door. Nothing is worse than having some mindless 5 year old running about the theater yapping like a chihuahua on speed. I don’t want to hear them crying, screaming, or whining and I certainly don’t need to see them doing a pee dance and begging you to take them to the bathroom whilst you mack on your baby mama. I also don’t need you to tell them to be quiet because others are trying to watch the movie. That’s just as distracting as you sitting behind me occasionally stabbing me in the testes with a pair of scissors, the dull kind like you give your two toed wonder child, Jimmy so he won’t cut off the digits your inbreeding ass gave him. If I have to turn and look at you, the movie is already ruined for me and in the end, can’t you find a happy medium movie to take them to? If I enter a kid movie, I’m prepared to deal with it. If I enter Friday the 13th Part 12: Jason Rapes the Nanny, I’d prefer to not have little Jimmy chime in that Jason’s pee-pee is small.

2. Outside Food

I’ve been to the movies and I’ve snuck in my own food but I sneak in food that doesn’t reek so badly that it infects the entire theater with the egg salad sandwich for the remainder of the day. If you want to bring in your own bag of popcorn, a beer or three, I could give a crap. Keep it on the down low and enjoy the film. When you bring in a grocery bag filled with fried chicken or some nasty collection of various cold cuts, slather with garlic mustard and peppers with a splash of egg salad, you best get to stepping because Furious Kinky is gonna beat you like he was Chris Brown to your Rihanna. Stop it. What is good for outside picnics is not OK for the enclosed and somewhat hermetically sealed movie theater. I don’t want to sniff your horrible sandwich and I don’t want to know that you are in the theater. I want to watch the movie. And you... you know who you are, if you crinkle that potato chip bag one more time, I’m gonna rip out your eyes and eat them.

3. People Sitting Near Me When the Theater is Empty

I choose movies at times when there is very little chance for others wanting to go but I accept that I am not paying for every seat in the theater so there is a chance that someone else might come into the theater to watch it with me. That does not mean that I want you to sit down behind me and start kicking my seat. I also don’t care for it if you seat in my row near me, in front of me or within two rows of me. If I go to an opening weekend movie, I expect that there may be a whole lot of people who want to see the movie I am seeing. I accept that I may have someone near me and then I can’t be the anti-social person I wanna be. I’m not your friend, I don’t want to listen to you chat with your brainless bastard of a boyfriend who does nothing but remind me that this a-hole who probably beats you gets more of a chance with you than I ever will. I don’t want to smell the sexual tension between you and certainly I don’t want to even know that someone else is there. Any screams, laughs, or inane applause at the screen come from the live studio audience. As far as I am concerned, you do not exist, you do not matter, and personally I probably wouldn’t piss on you to put you out if you were on fire. I might laugh, I might kick you and call you a moron for not stop, drop and rolling but I will not unzip and put Captain Howdy near your flaming corpse. Is that crystal clear enough? 

So if you enter a movie theater and you see some lone guy or lady sitting there, maybe enjoying his/her popcorn and drink, and is completely alone in the 4th row middle don’t go sit in front of them so they have to take their feet down from the armrest footholder or sit behind them and begin to talk about how much Betty loves Frank but she can’t tell him but OMG it is so epic because Frank is totally balls out crazy in love with Veronica and Betty at the same time and also has thought about some boy love with Travis. Believe it or not, I don’t care and all you’ve done is invade my personal bubble with your crap and I’m being infinitely patient waiting for the lights to dim and maybe, if the Gods are with me you might shut your forever movie pie hole and play with your boyfriend’s nether regions for a little bit. 

4. Good God put away your cellphone...

People always chuckle when the “Please silence your cellphone” ad comes on the screen and it is all just a big ass joke to them, because they are Mr./Mrs. Important and if a call comes, it could be life or death. Barring your mother being rushed to the hospital after a horrific car crash everything else can wait for two hours. Hell, I’m sure even if there is a car crash or your child is kidnapped it can wait for two hours. I’m sure the baby-sitter will call the police, they’ll be on it and you don’t need to be involved until the story concludes on the screen. You do not need to text your friends who are sitting next to you that you “are totally geeking out about the movie!” I don’t wanna hear a chirp, a vibration against a chair, or see that bright screen on your phone go on. When I am watching a movie, the screen is lit up and when you flip open or touch screen activate that useless piece of crap phone you have to tweet your in movie actions to your two devoted followers, it blast me in the face and takes my eyes from the lovable actors on the screen and makes me look at you. I barely tolerate that you are around me, I don’t need to know that I have to check my twitter account to see what you wrote. I’ll check it after the movie when my actions won’t inconvenience anyone else. That’s what makes me an anti-social but OK person and you an a-hole.

5. Please show up on time...

So now we have arrived at the theater, no kids, no smelly foods, cellphones off and are at least 2 rows back of the nearest lonely bastard who is enjoying a movie in the vain hope that it will distract him/her from the disaster their life is. Everyone is settled, the lights dim and the random movie trailers start informing us which movie can take us away next week or next month and suddenly the door opens and some jackass still talking on his cellphone comes in, walks about 15 rows toward the front and stands there with his popcorn and drink, looking for a seat. As the person he invariably stands next to whilst making his decision of the most comfortable area to park it, I can tell you that while you may not even be talking, you are the only thing in the entire theater that I can pay attention to. Sit down. No one wants to look at you, no one cares that Billy and Susie are somewhere in the theater waiting for you, sit down and enjoy the show or at least find them without being as annoying as possible. I’d rather detach my eyes and step on them than look at you. You sir, piss me off because you have no real reason to be where you are other than the fact that you decided to wander into a movie after the lights went down because you couldn’t get your crap together to make the show your now interrupting with your aimless wandering.

The other group of half brain mouth breathers that fall in to this category are those people who decide to see 25 percent of every movie in the multiplex. The theater hoppers, and the morons who go into the wrong showing of a movie and think that the movie started a half hour early. What you are doing is basically stealing from the movie theater and not only that but you are doing it at the expense of everyone else in the movie that now has to put up with you wandering in and out of every theater. I don’t care what you do with your life, stop messing about with mine and go to the movie you paid for. Do you really need to see 25 percent of Bridesmaids or Fast Five?

The key to all of this is to be respectful of the other people you are watching the movie with. No one wants to see a movie with a bunch of strangers breathing down their backs with their foul smelling foods and kids running rampant all over the theater. Just sit back and enjoy the show, let the movie entertain you not your phone and trust that if you walk into a movie that has started but you thought you were early, that you may have walked into the wrong theater playing the same movie. Just, to quote Jerry Springer, be good to yourself... and each other. Then we can all have a swimmingly good time and no one needs to die a slow agonizing death because after you ruin my movie, I need something to enjoy and escape the ruins of my furious life.

My name is Furious Kinky and I approve of this.