Not so Fast....Furious 7

I've been trying to save money a little so seeing a movie in the theater is not the easiest thing in the world to do on a budget but I love doing it so much that I would like to share the experience with you fully.

I arrived at the theater and promptly went to the ticket counter. It being a Saturday I expected a line. Luckily no other movie was starting soon so I was relatively by myself. The two younger patrons in front of me stood at the counter and I ambled over to the counter behind them, my twelve dollars in hand. Sure it would have been easier if someone bought the tickets and then got out of the way but these two independent young people decided they should waste some time and pay separately. Sure I could get mad but I'm going to the movies so I'm gonna let this slight go and enjoy my movie. Then the two young guys decide to mess around him a little and I step forward to announce my presence. They walk off to their theater to undoubtedly talk the entire time their movie plays because fuck other people, I bought my ticket and I wanna have a talk. Not so much about the movie but about the ingrown hair on their feet or some other trivial bullshit. Sure I could be reading to much into this but they seem like those types of assholes. No worries. I wander up and say "One for Fast and Furious 7."

Now in the theater...after the ticket tearing girl Jennifer took a good 30 seconds to figure out how the tearing of a ticket is accomplished, I take my usual position to the side and in an area of the theater where most people aren't. I roll that way and I expect you to appreciate that. The projector or dvd player kicks on and the movie trailers begin....

San Andreas

When The Rock...I mean Dwayne Johnson...stars in this disaster epic about a huge Earthquake that devastates California and the bad news...it isn't over. Watching the city of L.A. literally ripple with Earthquake shake as though God is twerking...was a sight to behold. Otherwise I smell a 2012 (the movie not the year in which the year was also the movie) type disaster epic. It will be sappy and epic.

 Southpaw

Antoine Fuqua is gonna ride Training Day his whole career. Who am I to blame him? That movie is epic and awesome. Southpaw seems to be the story of Jake Gyllenhaal who is a boxer whose wife dies and his life spins out of control. Seems like an up with life type movie...if going up in life is being so depressed you find yourself on a ledge without knowing how you got there. It seems like that type of movie. Written by the guy who made Sons of Anarchy....hmmm. Could be good.

Pixels

 

I remember playing Pac- Man and Donkey Kong as a kid and if life on Earth comes down to being saved by the a-holes who can play Pac-Man the best...we're screwed. Also how is a Mini gonna take on Pac-Man...it isn't literally a ghost, it is a car and this bad giant Pac-Man was just shown eating a police car. I don't know. It will probably have some funny moments but overall I am sensing a Grown Ups 2 vibe from it.

Jesus is there another one? Maybe it will be Avengers: Age of Ultron or something awesome...nope.

The Vatican Tapes

So yeah...remember The Exorcist...this is a movie that will show you the truth behind the real life battle with the Devil!!!!! or it will be a slightly disappointing version of a found footage of the Exorcist. Most likely the latter as the biggest name the have in it is Michael Pena...so yeah. The power of Christ compels us...as Jonah Hill might say... it's not very compelling.

Feature...damnit.... the silence your cell phones ad. Killing me. If people don't know it by now telling them that LOL and BFF on a bright little screen in a dark movie theater isn't gonna stop them. I'm just saying....so now we have our Feature Presentation....

Furious 7

 

When Paul Walker died a lot of the fire I had for this series went with it. It was a bummer. You watch these movies to get car boners and see some incredible stunts but mostly car boners. You don't watch them to remember the real life consequences of driving fast and furious. For the most part Fast 7 is a tribute to Paul Walker and gives him the kind of resolution you can get behind. Dead...Alive...they are still family and in the world of Fast and Furious, family never dies. I was told that there was a tribute to him that has made grown men cry in their seats. I can't say I was that moved but it was a nice moment in the movie. The rest of the movie....hmmm I'm not sure about.  

Dom, Letty, Brian and the rest are all back to drive or die. This time they are pitted against a terminator...I mean an expendable...I mean a transporter...or Jason Statham. He arrives, destroying his brother's hospital to get to his bedside so he can make a vow to avenge him as any good brother would. Bad news is...to avenge him he needs to take on Dom and the super friends. I mean seriously, when did the Fast and The Furious become a James Bond movie. They can do whatever they want and not only survive but seemingly be untouched by the bullets or cliffs or driving a car out of a building...and into another building and then into another building. I realize that going into these movies for a person to expect it to be an accurate portrayal of our world is well unrealistic. Soon though Vin Diesel is gonna have to put on tights and an S on his chest because he is undestructible. Not do to any armor but a magic white t-shirt. No harm can come to him. Remember when Dom was a mechanic who just liked to rob people? When Brian was a FBI agent who was bringing down a gang of thieves using street racing? Remember when they went to Tokyo with that kid with a southern accent from Frailty? All of them are back. Dom is in his mechanic get up and Brian pulls out his FBI stuff for a minute...and yes even Lucas Black is back to help Dom out for a second.

The story goes that to find Deckard Shaw...brother to Owen Shaw in the last movie and avenge the death of Asian Driver....they must first rescue a kidnapped hacker (who happens to be hot as hell) and find software she developed much like the software from The Dark Knight that can track anyone down in the city and give it to Kurt Russell who immediately gives it back to them so they can find Shaw. I know...why would they do that when Deckard Shaw seems to keep trying to kill them so finding him really isn't that hard? But Cars! and Booty! and Michelle Rodriguez making me all hot and bothered with her smoky voice and her ability to kick my ass. Is that just me? So no, Furious 7 is not a great movie, it is an epic movie and no it isn't well scripted but who needs a script when car boners are everywhere. It is all happening...all at once. When in doubt...blow shit up. That makes the movie. In the end, I didn't come here to see an oscar worthy period piece. I came to see some hot cars, some hot girls in a bikini (on a side note, is it not uncomfortable to have a bikini wedged in your crack?) and a nice actiony movie where the good guys win. Sure it's ridiculous bullshit but... car boners. 

Mr. Unhappy sez: If this were a Oscar movie... I would not have had so much fun. So fuck that noise. It is awesome and blowy uppy and why aren't you seeing it right now! Right....now! Now! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNow!