I am late I know. Sometimes when life kicks you in the nuts you just don't have the ability to stand up and write your blog. Anyway, to get on with the important matters on hand. I owe you kids a Quick Hits blog. This week I am again back on the Instant Watch trying to warn you away from some horrible movies and recommend some more. So, let's stop procrastinating...we are late enough.
4 Movies to Avoid on Netflix Instant Watch
GI Joe The Rise of Cobra
Ahhh memories. I remember many mornings sitting with a warm cup of hot chocolate and watching the Joes go up against the sinister and raspy foes of Cobra The Enemy. No matter what, no matter what happened the Joes would be there to save the day. This movie was supposed to recapture the imagination of that child in me, much in the same way the new Karate Kid did, and then the action started and I was confused. Was this a movie about the same cartoon show I watched. There wasn’t even a Cobra Commander and what the hell Destro has a normal face! Some of the Joes were even admirable attempts at recreating the characters of my youth and yet they tried to make it a straight forward army story. There were no lasers shooting a tank 500 times and then allowing all the soldiers to get away before it explodes. There were bodies all over the place. This is not a GI Joe movie, it is a poorly made Black Hawk Down. And now you know... and knowing is half the battle. GI JOE!
Mr. Unhappy Sez: Go Joe! No thank you sir.
The Stepfather
A remake of an 80’s classic starring Lost’s Terry O’Quinn recasts the role of the stepfather in question with the affable but underwhelming Dylan Walsh from Nip/Tuck. Penn Badgely plays the role of trouble making son who returns home from boarding school to find a new man living in his house, raising his little brother and eyeing his girlfriend. Needless to say there is friction. He fights his instincts and attempts to allow the new daddy to stick around but a number of things seem to go wrong. The old lady across the way dies, his biological dad seems to disappear, and he creeps out the girlfriend. There is a Oedipal complex somewhere in here and it all ends with a fight for mom and bro. The original made you feel like the family was in jeopardy at the hands of the maniac hidden in a guise of a family man. This movie feels neutered and well slightly boring. If you want a good movie just like this one see O’Quinn’s Stepfather. John Locke does crazy much better than Sean McNamara.
Mr. Unhappy Sez: Like a bat out of hell, this movie makes you wish you had stayed home or in this case gone to a different movie about a scary dad.
Management
I usually love a good romantic comedy where a loser guy meets the woman of his dreams and through his crazy antics makes the girl fall in love with him. Here is the problem with this movie. I don’t understand why she would fall in love with him. A guy working at a motel checks in and then somewhat stalks Jennifer Anniston and they somehow end up having sex. She leaves (as people are apt to do at Motels) and he follows her. Across the country and takes up residence to win the heart of his lady love. Again, semi stalker behavior and yet she does not press charges. She tries to break it off with him in the nicest way possible but the guy just keeps coming. At some point, this stops being amusing and starts getting creepy. In the end, it all works out in the magical way of romantic comedies. The only problem is that in this one, it seems more like a woman giving in to her stalker.
Mr. Unhappy sez: Every where you go, I’ll be creeping you right the f*ck out. Seriously.
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
Again there is a piece of my childhood, collecting cards that were outlawed by our school. Snotty Scottie, Toe Jam Sam, Glandular Angela and the rest of them. They were disgusting which of course made them totally cool. I was not even aware that they had made a movie out of the kids and so when it popped up like a zit on Brit the Zit’s face on the Instant Watch I couldn’t resist. Boy howdy do I wish I did. The movie attempts to be cute in the way Cabbage Patch Kids were and create characters so disgusting but lovable and leaves us with disgusting and not very lovable. There is some semblance of a story but in the end it is all about the midgets in masks looking like life-size creepy kids. For the first time and most probably last time, I do not endorse the use of little people in this movie.
Mr. Unhappy Sez: I don’t have words for how bad this movie was.
And Now Three Movies you be clicking on as you read...
Very Bad Things
Piven (entourage) is the brother of Stern who is so scared he’ll be caught that he is a nervous wreck. The Zach Galifianakis of this group is Leland Orser who is just as nervous but handling it well. Jon Favreau and Cameron Diaz are the groom and Bridezilla of the movie who just want to marry and start their lives. As the title says, very bad things happen. It is by far the craziest movie storyline I’ve ever seen and I enjoyed the hilarity and dark humor. A genius movie, a genius cast, and a dead stripper. I know what you are thinking and you are right. This movie does have it all.
Mr. Unhappy Sez: This movie is The Hangover with a bunch of dead people. If that’s not awesome, I don’t know what is.
One Crazy Summer
When John Cusak was a young man, he made a number of movies that in the 80’s were actually really good and of course really overlooked. Better Off Dead is arguably the better of the movies but One Crazy Summer stands out as well. The story of a kid named Hoops who can’t make a shot, and goes to spend his graduation summer on the island of Nantucket with his best friend’s eccentric grandma. A young Demi Moore shows up as a love interest for Hoops and a rocker. Yes, boys and girls, Demi Moore can sing or lip sync. There is even cartoons for the kids about happy fuzzy bunnies! It’s a movie that deserves to be recognized for what it has done for society. It has proved definitively that if you make a face and someone slaps you on the back hard enough, your face will stick that way. Oh yeah and good triumphs over evil and cupid fights the happy fuzzy bunnies for the poor kid’s heart.
Mr. Unhappy Sez: If you want a good old fashioned love story with cartoons then One Crazy Summer gives you One Crazy good time. Oh yeah and rabies infected dolphin.
Brick
I’ve been intrigued with the film noir genre for years and yet a movie never spoke to me. I always wanted to read a Dashiell Hammett novel but never was quite brave enough to do it. Then here comes Brick. I’ve often wondered what it is like when you take one type of movie and combine it with another type. Brick is one of those movies. It stars Joseph Gordon Levitt as Brendan who is in love with the murdered Emily. He begins a journey to first help her and then to avenge her all while trying to figure out why she is dead and who killed her. There is a femme fatale, a kingpin, a wise sidekick who has all the info. The movie speaks like the Maltese Falcon and the kids are a kind of hard boiled Dawson’s Creek, wise beyond their years but still just stupid kids. I could attempt to explain the story but it is not the reason to watch the movie. The reason to watch is the performances, the story and the old style with a new twist.
Mr. Unhappy Sez: "Throw one at me if you want, hash head. I've got all five senses and I slept last night, that puts me six up on the lot of you." I couldn’t have said it better myself Brendan.
Up Next:
Hanna
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