The First Annual (though slightly late) Worsties!

The Worsties of 2011!

Better late than never....I start my first annual Worsties with an open mind. Also I do have an opening musical number but since this is just text you have to imagine it. It's not a pretty sight. What is my worst may not be yours so do not get your panties in a bunch if say you loved Something Borrowed and feel I just don’t get the subtle complexities of Kate Hudson’s performance. I’ve attempted to really limit my worst of’s to movies I actually saw and not ones that everyone says is horrible. Like in Battlefield Earth, the first annual worsties will be like breaking in a horse although it will probably be a lot easier to believe that I really hated these movies than that a bunch of horse riding yokels can learn to fly jets in dog fighting maneuvers against trained pilots in only a few days. Also I am adding onto the end of this a review of Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol because I am not a masochist, you can only stand so much awful movieness before you need a review of a good one or so my therapist would say…if I had one.

Worst Film of the Year

Something Borrowed

There are few things like nails on chalkboard in movies that can drive me insane. A movie in which none of the romantic leads are at all socially redeemable is one of them. Something Borrowed got under my skin more because it tried to be obnoxious and vain yet still likable. At the end of the day, the latter was never accomplished. Kate Hudson…well I’ll get to her later. I cannot tell you how upset I was leaving this movie, not because it was poorly made (I can enjoy even bad movies like Bride of Chucky where the boom microphone keeps dropping into view) but because it tried to be a love story and then proceeded to punish the viewer with the most obnoxious love triangle of all time. Thanks for letting us know that the moral of the story is: if you are a douche to your best friends, true love will find you. Actually I guess that sounds like real life.  

Worst Actor of 2011 

Shia LeBeouf in Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Dark of the moon is perhaps the worst movie of the series. Shia runs around like a chicken with his head cut off and screeches through his lines as though on something. Seriously, someone needs to take the Red Bull from his hands. By far, this movie sold us a bill of goods and then changed the item. At least part two had the racist transformers. This movie just made me weep for the cartoon show of my childhood and Shia was the headliner. It is just an awful performance. Perhaps it was the script, perhaps the director but the actor makes the movie. Shia made this movie something. Just not something good… and not reminiscent of a pile of shit.

Worst Actress

Kate Hudson in Something Borrowed

Speaking of walking piles of poop. I’ve been trying honestly to think of one aspect of Kate Hudson’s performance that I enjoyed. Well she was an incredible slutty woman…yay…although if she acted like this in real life I wouldn’t make love to her with a stolen penis and 30 condoms. She was really manipulative of her best friend and stole anything that had made her happy in the past 20 years of friendship. Nope, character as well as actress, completely worthless. Can you remember those years where Kate Hudson was hot? It’s been awhile. Now she seems like someone took Blake Lively and melted her a little in the microwave. I literally fail to see why she would take this role and think it would make her relevant again. I could not have hated her more. 

Worst Hot Actress (because it makes a difference) 

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley – Transformers: Dark of the Moon

When you are a Victoria’s Secret model, you are probably hot.  When they, and by “they” I mean Michael Bay and the other abortion doctors who suck the fetus of a good movie out of the movie,  come to you and say “Hey, we need someone hot to stand in piles of rubble and pout whilst wearing a white outfit that miraculously does not get dirty…in rubble.” When they come to you and say that, perhaps the next hot Victoria’s Secret Model will say “You know what? I’m good.” This is nothing personal Rosie, you just got sucked into the world of Michael Bay suckitude and by that I mean attitude while sucking.

Worst Movie/ Best Moment of 2011

13 from House gets groiny with Ryan Reynolds in The Change-up

I love Olivia Wilde. 9 of 10 women would want to tear her clothes off and make sweet sweet love. The other woman is a blind mute. So while I was trying not to completely hate myself for paying my unemployment money on seeing this craptastic wade through Freaky Friday with more poop jokes, Olivia Wilde showing up and getting a vijayjay tattoo and wearing shockingly little in a lap dance scene with Ryan Reynolds playing Jason Bateman was a fresh. Like the little man in the Chronicle, I was sitting quite erect.

“I still not sure they aren’t the same person” Award 

Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester – The Roommate

There has to be some sort of movie special effects here. How can I see a movie with both of these actresses and still not be entirely convinced of them being them? Well the performances were as though the other person wasn't in the same room. Not a good movie but I thought it may end my debate as to whether Minka Kelly was Leighton Meester in disguise.  Maybe Minka Kelly wants to date Derek Jeter and Sebastian Stan (I know entirely too much about the celebrity gossip) and when they found out it explains them both mysteriously “breaking up” with their respective/other boyfriend. Now Derek and Minka are trying to get back together with the caveat that there will be no more nights out as Leighton Meester. I am no conspiracy theorist…but this one is almost too easy to believe.

Worst Special Effect Laden Awfulness 

I am Number 4

Yeah curveball thrown. You expected Michael Bay’s mess of  a Transformers movie here but you would be incorrect. I am Number 4 is by far the worst beginning to a franchise that will never happen since Eragon. No dragons here…a dog that turns into a huge slobbering mess but no dragons. There isn’t even much of a story. Perhaps Miles Millar and Alfred Gough were spending too much time wrapping up Smallville and decided “Just throw some kids 30 feet in the air, have some weird electrical thing in his hand and get that girl from Glee…not Quinn…okay Quinn.” A coming of age tale for an alien trapped on our world, followed by other aliens that hope to kill them. This was done much better on the TV show Roswell and indeed I did feel a certain CW appeal to this movie. How else do you explain the completely pointless shot of one of our heroes walking away from a building as it explodes? God this movie makes both my head and my balls ache because walking away I feel as though someone kicked my testes and picked my pocket of the $10.25 in cost to see this pile of garbage. 

And Finally....

The Uwe Boll Lifetime Achievement in Horrible Movies

Battlefield Earth

L. Ron Hubbard’s book must have been more in depth than this John Travolta disaster. This is by far the worst movie ever to penetrate my blue eyes. Battlefield Earth is the story of an Earth in which Aliens have enslaved the human race to dig for gold for their home planet Cyclo and who can scan for gold but still haven’t found Fort Knox. Then along comes Barry Pepper who, with his Bill S. Preston Esquire looks and long dreads, can save humanity. Not for any real good reason but because he is and this is the true sci-fi in this movie, smarter. This movie is just awful. I’ve never been so tempted to walk out on a film as I was with this one. I’ve never found a movie that is worse. Even Troll 2 was slightly more entertaining because it was so bad. If I never see some Neanderthal humans fire up a flight simulator and learn what it took Tom Cruise all of Top Gun to learn, it will be too soon.  Battlefield Earth has the audacity to make you think that millions of dollars would not be wasted on a movie with no story, horrible effects and worse acting. By the end of the movie, you begin to wonder whether the producers saw the final product before they released it. When someone comes to you and says "God, I just saw the worst movie of all time", raise your hand, shake your head in the negative and pull out a DVD of this pile of crap made by the leader of the Church of Scientology. You'll win that argument. I guarantee it. 

Mr. Unhappy sez: We ran a little bit over tonight so I’m just gonna say: While some movies are bad, not many are as bad as these! Don’t ferget to wipe your ass kids! Goodbye everybody bye!