I began my hall of fame of film with the review that opened this blog, The Karate Kid. This is the second inductee into that hallowed place. The bust (literally) of Linda Kozlowski is currently being crafted by mute Tibetan monks from used Kleenex and the remains of a snakeskin jacket bought by a young boy intent on picking up chicks with his Aussie charm to be placed next to the reenactment of the pivotal cran kick scene from the original Karate Kid. I know my choices are not the obvious ones. I’ve seen “Citizen Kane” and I will admit it was a great movie. Not a Mr. Unhappy Hall of Famer. No, to be offered access to the Mr. Unhappy Hall of Fame you have to have made an impact in my life. Some sort of lasting moment that makes me look at the film and see some part of myself. In these induction blogs, I will try to share those moments with you.
Having seen Crocodile Dundee as a child, I was struck dumb by the idea that they had made a sequel. Mick “Crocodile” Dundee had bested the rich fiance of Sue Charlton and won the tough New Yorker’s heart. Not only that but he had shown us the true meaning of the word knife, mastered living in New York using his wily Aussie charm and allowed Sue to nearly be eaten by a crocodile while filling her canteen giving this young boy to have his first sight of the mysterious garment known as a thong. Where do you go from there? The answer seems obvious now. Drug Cartels and assassination attempts. Adventures in New York and Australia. You better believe it.
The movie starts in Columbia where Sue Charlton’s ex-husband Bob (working covertly for the DEA) is filming the drug operation of Luis Rico. Rico is a slick, drug lord who kills on a whim and lives a life of luxury. In a fit of anger, he kills someone at his drug farm and it is caught on film by Bob. He cannot trust anyone so he sends the film to America and his ex-wife, Sue. Why he does this and why he doesn’t call in the cavalry to help him get out of the country. Not explained...not important. What is important is the one thing that is between Rico’s high flying lifestyle and a prison cell is Sue and by association Mick Dundee. Indeed the character of Bob doesn’t last much past the opening scene.
Sue never receives Bob’s letter. She is kidnapped by Rico and held until Mick brings the letter and the tape to Rico’s stately Manor in Long Island. He is not allowed to call the DEA for help or else Sue will be killed. He is not allowed to call the police or Sue will die. He is being watched and any action not following Rico’s instructions will be considered in violation and Sue will be killed. Mick agrees to the terms and then goes against them pretty much immediately. Gotta love that Rico doesn’t just cut off Sue’s head and Kevin Spacey it to Mick in the middle of the dessert. Perhaps yelling “What’s in the box?!” in an Aussie Accent comes out sounding girly. Anyway, Mick goes his own way with it and enlists his friend “Bad Bad” Leroy Brown (which seems to be just a name...not much Bad about him but his tough guy accent). Leroy uses his “street” skills to find Mick the toughest and whitest gang in New York (which I believe brings the toughness down a bit). Together, they storm the castle and find Sue alive and well.
The police arrest Rico (he gets out on bail because drug running and kidnapping is not a serious offense in New York) and almost immediately the DEA’s protective custody proves to be as good as they were for Bob and Sue is near killed by a sniper. Conveniently a sniper that misses his target but this is an 80’s movie and if a teenager can save his soldier dad from some middle eastern prison (Iron Eagle), a sniper can miss his shot. Just to be safe, you should enter any movie from the eighties with a grain of salt. After this proof of American protection, Mick decides that while the DEA can offer to protect them until the trial, Mick knows he can protect them but not there. Somewhere he can see them coming.
Enter Australia and a place where Mick can see them coming. Needless to say, Rico follows (cause the DEA just lets him leave the country when he pleases) and hires some locals to help him hunt down this Mick Dundee. Mick uses his Aussie wiles, trapping the drug runners one by one. Watch closely and you can see a youngish Luis Guzman. Mick plays them against each other and uses the tricks he learned from the aborigines to capture and ultimately kill a few of the “bad guys”. It culminates at Jaba Point where Mick lays a trap for the Rico and his second in command. Sue nearly messes up the whole plan, as does Mick’s hapless best friend Wally. Needless to say, the movie works itself out of the plot holes it wanders into.
Some of the charm of this movie is the totally improbable plot twists. I can’t say that it is well written but not many movies which have a joke based around a toothless monster of a man named Donk, are well written. In fact, the writer of the movie is none other than the Aussie sensation Paul Hogan himself. Yet through all the massive plot holes and the incompetency of our government agencies to protect us, the wit of the Australians shines through. I can’t tell you to watch this movie over and over again on AMC but I can say that when I stumble across it, my TV sticks around and finishes the movie. I would say it is the best of the 3 Crocodile Dundee movies (although I hear Croc 3 totally holds up). It made me believe that evil can be conquered by loads of drunken Australians and God damn it...that’s worth protecting.
So I induct Crocodile Dundee 2 into the Mr. Unhappy Hall of Fame. God protect America and if not, can we have the Aussies from Walkabout Creek protect us? From where they can see them coming, of course. I have dibs on Donk.
Sue: Do you know where they are?
Mick: Yeah. About 500 yards that way, over that ridge.
Sue: How do you know that?
Mick: Can't you smell it?
Sue: Their sweat?
Mick: Wally's aftershave.
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Walt: Are you really enjoying that?
Diamond: [eating fire-roast bat] Nah - needs garlic.
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Charlie: Tell Mick if he want his clothes back, he can climb down there and get them his bloody self.
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Sue: You're a drug dealer. You're a grubby little parasite.
Rico: You should watch your mouth. It is not wise to annoy me. Bob Tanner annoyed me. So I had his head blown off like that...
[snaps his finger softly]
Sue: You killed Bob?
Rico: And if your Mick screws this up...
[snaps his finger softly]
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Nugget: I've been looking for Walter Reilly. Haven't seen him around, have you?
Denning: You shoulda brought a gun instead of a beer, mate.
Nugget: Nah. I don't need one. I got a Donk.
Denning: Got a what?
Donk: Donk.
Ultra Prestigious Killer Unhappy Awards
Paul Hogan - Double Duty Award for writing and starring
Super Human ability in a snakeskin jacket award
The Steve Irwin Award for greatness from Down Under
Linda Kozlowski - Pulling off 80’s fashions and still looking hot
The I have no choice cause I married Crocodile Dundee Award
4.5 Out of 5 Unhappy Faces
Gross Revenue - $239,606,210
Something to check out. Rifftrax new release of their riff on Karate Kid Part III. Watched the trailer and laughed my ass off. Should be worth seeing if you, and by you I mean those not down with the "kid", don't want to see the kid 3 without a valid reason.
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