I am Number not interested...

        

I Am Number 4

          "I am Number 4" begins innocently enough with the death and disintegration of number 3. Why the evil Mogadorians kill the numbered heroes in order is never explained and was only one of the many questions we are left to wonder about as the latest in a long line of movies trying to cash in on their "Could be the next Twilight" appeal. Perhaps the Mogs are just really anal about dealing with their enemies. Perhaps the writer thought it would add tension to know that the hero, John Smith (clever alias) or number 4, was next in line. Luckily for number 4 when the barely known Number 3 dies, his leg bursts into colorful light and he receives a brand that one can only assume symbolizes Number 3 on his leg. He is already saddled with two similar brands, so the only person surprised when his leg starts burning is the girl that Number 4 is currently trying to bang while treading water in the ocean (safety officials should be both appalled and amazed at the stamina). He manages to crawl out of the ocean, (though one wonders if a whole lot of trouble would have been avoided had he drowned), escape his now freaked out friends who were having a bonfire when Number 4 decided to "flame on" and fall asleep on the beach where his handler (played by the always excellent Timothy Olyphant) finds him to tell him that they must move. Wait for the annoying voice over to begin and a short montage later,  they are set up in hiding again in the wonderfully small town of Paradise, Ohio because Number 4's Handler Henri has business there. Armed with his John Smith identity,  Number 4 begins school as the new guy, again.

             His first day he meets Diana Agron (cheerleader Quinn Fabray from TV's Glee) and is fascinated by her rebelliousness to take a picture of a teacher picking his nose.  She too is drawn to John and she snaps a few pictures of John for her image blog "Strangers in Paradise" (very clever...I see what your doing and I like it you blond minx). Unluckily for John,  his magic powers start to manifest. His hands begin to shoot out blue light like he masturbated a fluorescent light and he can magnetically attract things...like cars. Leap tall waterfalls in a single bound, throw a football real hard and throw moronic football players 30 feet into trees when attacked. Pretty much if you watch the trailer, you've seen what he can do. Coincidentally, if you've seen the movie trailer you have seen all of the interesting scenes. While the movie attempts to create a connection between Number 4 and Diana Agron's Sarah, the reasons behind their fascination with each other is pawned off with a lame "John, our people only fall in love once" line. That brings up the awkward question of what happens if the woman he falls in love with is taken or doesn't like him. To tell you the truth, I'd rather be rejected over and over by women than have one shot to make it right. 
                 John's life is a constant effort to avoid showing his real powers to the people around him which is really hard to do when his hands start flashing light in class and he has to cower in a janitor's closet until Henri comes to find him. It is made harder when  John falls in love with Sarah with all the subtlety of a stalker but don't worry she has one of those too. The obligatory douchebag from the soccer/football/baseball/whatever team at school is a little too interested in Sarah and really interested in keeping all other suitors away from her. He threatens John, puts explosive paint packets in his and  the Columbine kid of the future Sam, (whose Dad seems to know an awful lot about the Number kids and the Mogs...or did until he was kidnapped/ran away...again never really explained) and constantly tries to sexually harass Sarah into liking him. He goes so far to enlist his teammates to beat up John, kidnap Sarah and drag her into the woods, and then basically tries to date rape her before John shows up and breaks his arm with his new powers.  Who gets away with kidnapping and assault? Well his father is the sheriff and somehow the school looks the other way. Throughout the movie, he becomes an ally to John though again, the jump from enemy to friend is made really quickly.

               The inter cutting of shots of a mysterious blond girl (who if you have seen the trailer is Number 6...which makes me wonder what happened to Number 5) blowing up John's old house while a heavy metal score rocks you out of your seat and sitting in a field of huge satellite dishes while apparently tracking down the elusive Henri and Number 4. The Mogradorans too begin to track John down, no real way of knowing how but they must have magic Mog powers of tracking. Maybe they use their gills to sniff his teen angst out. The whole movie hinges on the final fight scene when Number 4 must fulfill his destiny (with help by Sarah, Sam and Number 6) to defeat the Mogs attack party and blow up most of the school in the process. Can he do it?  Will the MogsMogs want to kill the Numbered kids? Why does Sarah find John fascinating and why does date rape douchebag keep attacking this guy so as to force a girl to date him? One would believe he probably has other options for dates. Is Sarah the best girl for him? Does he just get off on being hated and loathed by girls he wants to be with?

                I was amazed to learn that the writers of the screenplay were none other than Miles Millar and Alfred Gough who are the creators of the superb CW show Smallville but upon further reflection I can say that  if this movie had taken place on the CW, I would have found it slightly more interesting. Having a entire season to work on the backstory and develop the characters would have made for an interesting story but they tried to force a season of television into a 2 hour movie. They could have set up John's powers as levels throughout his own growth, the looming doom of the Mogs forcing him to have to use his powers to help the people of the small Ohio town in which he lives. If Miles Millar and Alfred Gough had used the example of Smallville to create a TV show around a super powered alien kid instead of trying to cash in at the Twilight bank of quick hitting music videos replacing story, the overall impact of this movie may have been greater. I see a show like Roswell that could have been made from this story and am instead left with a feeling of underwhelming mediocrity. The movie sets up for a sequel and yet makes me not want to see it. Sometimes, a TV show is a much more effective medium for this type of storytelling.  Are we the short attention span they think we are or can we watch a movie and understand complex story with backstory and characters that seem real? God I hope so.

The Super Prestigious Golden Unhappy Awards

Timothy Olyphant - The Polish the Turd Award- for making the best of such small offerings.

Diana Agron - The Riding her Glee Fame for all it's worth award

2.5 of 5 Unhappy Faces

And now some other movies that missed the target...

Wicker Man (2006)

                  The story of a cop come to an island to find a missing girl, the original Wicker Man was subtle and terrifying. You followed the mystery and wanted to learn what happened to the girl. This American version takes all the truly creepy experiences of the first film and makes you long for the only scene worth a damn when Nicholas Cage (wearing a bear suit) punches a woman in the face. I actually fell asleep watching this movie, a feat only accomplished by Star Trek VI : The Undiscovered Country and it made me feel as though I were being pranked by Mr. Cage. You are a good actor sir! Stop taking part in such horrible movies.

1 of 5 Unhappy Faces

The Lost Boys 2: The Tribe

                   The Lost Boys was a classic of my childhood. I could and probably will spend an entire blog entry writing about the glory of that movie. The Lost Boys II : The Tribe...not so much. I can't even tell you how bad it was. First off, it just lacked a interesting through story. It was similar to the original in that a brother and sister move to Luna Bay (um I believe it is supposed to be Santa Clarita) and find quite by accident that there is a group of vampires about. They fight them. They bring back half of the dynamic duo that was the Frog Brothers and then Feldman even kind of messes up that.  The head vampire is played by the half brother of Keifer Sutherland which probably seemed like such a good idea at the time. Sadly it doesn't work. The movie tries to recapture the imagination and wit of the first movie and the lame inclusion of Cory Haim's Sam at the end of the movie seems tacky and forced...I guess the same could be said for the movie. Tacky and forced. They even redo the great opening title song from the original...and mess it up. An abortion of a movie. Sadly.

Golden Unhappy Awards for Excellence in Crappiness

Autumn Reeser - For just being her perfect self in a God awful movie

1.5 out of 5 Unhappy Faces

Dead Girl

                  I can't even begin to describe this movie and hope to maintain a PG-13 rating to this blog. It brings the subject of rape and necrophilia out into the open. It is a movie about two teens who while exploring a factory, find a living dead girl. One of them becomes obsessed with her and has sex with her, then sells the dead girl to his friends...okay you see what I mean. The other kid is rightfully and sickly horrified by the idea of the girl and wants to call the cops but he is held in place by the other less stable friend. I can't really blame him, that kid is nuts. I recently saw this advertised on the Chiller channel on my father's Direct TV. It is most likely edited and therefore much more bearable to watch. I remember watching this on my Instant Watch from Netflix and wondering "What about this movie made you think it would be interesting?" It is something I need to ponder and wonder about. I am culpable for having seen this movie and by all means if this floats your boat, feel free to see it. I'd rather spend the time pondering my disgusting taste in movie watching at 3 am.

1 out of 5 Unhappy Faces

Land of The Lost

                Will Ferrell is usually golden. He has a penchant for choosing movies that work with his style of humor and his ability to create humor where none actually is. Except here. While I applaud the effort to recreate the camp and unintentional humor of the TV show, the movie feels hollow and boring. The lovable Anna Friel deserves better. I'd recommend seeing the show Pushing Daisies if you want to see her in something good. The girl of the pie maker's dreams (you'll get that if you watch the show) is used simply as an attractive girl who will fall under the spell of Will Ferrell and provide some spark. The campy special effects of the TV show are redone with more modern CGI effects and Chaka seems far too realistic. I wanted plastic dinosaurs and sad pathetic mini-Chewbacca from the TV show and instead was hit over the head with the marvels of modern filmmaking. Just a mistake. The best part of this movie was the 8 hour marathon of the original series SyFy channel put on in the days leading up to the release. I suggest when you attempt to recreate something that was campy fun, you try to live up to the camp of the original. It was like watching a remake of Beverly Hills 90210 without the sideburns or the Peach Pit. Oh wait.

2.5 out of 5 Unhappy Faces

Observe and Report

          This movie was one that when the trailers came out opposite Paul Blart: Mall Cop, I thought this would be the better of the two movies. Yet when watching this black comedy, I found myself with a big ol case of numb ass. That is a sign of a bad movie and upon reflection this was. Did it have moments when I laughed out loud? Yes it did. Does that mean that when I see it is on HBO that I want to watch it? No it does not. The story of a mall cop who aspires to be a cop and lusts after a hot girl he cannot hope to have seems intriguing but it becomes way too serious when dealing with the psychosis Seth Rogen's Rent-A-Cop has and makes you feel awkward laughing about it. When I left this movie I had a smile on my face but that did not make it worth seeing again. Watching Paul Blart : Mall Cop on TV months later I was furious that I wasted my time seeing this movie. It was sad, pathetic and hard to stomach at parts. Still a solid movie but nowhere near the fun and heart of Paul Blart.

2 out of 5 Unhappy Faces 

Up Next :  The Adjustment Bureau