How to survive horror movies... and have fun doing it.

             

           When I was 8 years old my brother and I sat down in his room to watch a airing of Wes Craven's "A Nightmare on Elm Street". It is the first memory I have of watching a scary movie, and it blew my 8 year old mind. I didn't want to sleep for a week. Shortly there after, I saw Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho" and I didn't shower until my 12th birthday and even then I kept a keen eye on the door. Norman Bates was not gonna get my ass. Yet it was the watching of Nightmare that made me enjoy watching horror movies. It had little to do with the plot line which while effective, was limited to my being asleep and seeing as how I wasn't gonna sleep ever again, I had little issue with Mr. Kruger. What made me love horror films was my father. He allowed me to watch this movie with my older brother (perhaps to his chagrin) and at the end of it, he came into the room with steak knives taped to his fingers dressed in his yellow rain slicker and a grey fedora. It scared both me and my brother, and I think it was probably the purest scare of my life.

        I've been going to horror movies at a movie theater since I was old enough to do so without my parent. In many instances I can be found laughing, slumped down in my chair, and plugging my ears with my fingers to avoid being scared by the obvious slam in music as the killer flies out of a closet to pin someone unknowing heroine against the wall with a large butcher knife. I love them all. From the slasher genre of Halloween, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on elm Street to the psychological horror of the Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity to even the torture horror of The Strangers, Hostel, and Cabin Fever. Some movies follow the simple gross out approach (Cabin Fever) while some try to a psychological horror (Audition, The Grudge, Paranormal Activity) and others prey on the fear of a serial killer who cannot be stopped and will get you no matter where you hide (Nightmare, Friday, Halloween).

                So I have with my experience found a way to enjoy these movies while being scared. I will now share these simple things with you.

1. Sit in the back of the theater.

This is really important, you don't want to be stuck in the front of the theater if the movie is too much for you and you need to run screaming/crying/vomiting/laughing from the theater. Also you can watch the crowd, the experience of horror movies is made by the shared fear you have with the people around you. If you can't sit in the last row, look as far back center you can. It also provides you with a way to sit low and cover your ears if like me, you don't need someone to cat screech/piano slam the crap out of you. Also unlike normal movies, you want people to sit in front of you. That way you can see their reactions and they cannot see yours. If someone does happen to spin their head around Linda Blair style and catch you looking scared, I think you have a reason to fear. I might even suggest getting the hell out of the theater which will be made easier by...SITTING IN THE BACK OF THE THEATER.

2. Go opening weekend.

As I said in the above rule, the best part of the horror movie experience is sharing it with people. That's why you want to bring your girlfriend/significant other with you so that when the scary gets going, the clutching gets happening. The same is true of watching other people react to the show. Most horror movies do not last with big crowds through the first weekend. Especially if you are seeing the latest in a well known series. Jason, Freddy and Mikey may bring some people for the first weekend if the movie is marketed correctly but if the movie is stale the only crowd you'll get in week two is the die hard fans of the movies who want to dissect the movie. God knows I do not need to listen to how Rob Zombie's Michael Myers is distorting the original message of Michael being an agent of the cult of Thorn by making him simply a psychopath. The man survived a shot to the face by the girl in the first movie...he is not SIMPLY anything. He's an unstoppable force.

3. Find the bitch.

This is perhaps the most key. As you sit in your back row seat and scan the opening day crowd look for groups of teen girls who snuck in after buying tickets to some child movie. Look for the person who before the movie is started is clutching their significant other as though scared for their life. These people are the bitches of the film. When the scary starts flying, they start screaming. Seeing the fear in someone else can both heighten your own fear and alleviate your own fears by allowing you to laugh. As in the asshole equation, if you cannot find the bitch...look down at the armrest of the chair your sitting in and most likely you are gripping it like a virgin going down in a plane crash. I have been the bitch in the theater. Once you know that about yourself, you can relax a little more, let go of the stranger sitting next to you despite readily available seats, and play up your bitchness to make it more enjoyable for everyone else. Also, when you begin to play up your bitchness, you become less of the bitch and will probably enjoy it more.

4. Enjoy the movie. 

5. When the movie ends, listen for the following phrase: "That wasn't scary....right?"

If you are sitting in the theater, your purse/jacket clutched to your breast listen for that phrase. It means that you were not the only one who was afraid. Some people like to convince themselves that the movie is not scary. This in fact proves that the movie was scary and therefore your fears were completely justified and the walk to your car will not be as lonesome as others will be looking behind them for some killer to emerge from the fog and try to kill you. Enjoy your film, keep your mace handy and enjoy the ride home only to sit in your car and wonder if the killer could get you before you get your shaking keys (because surely it is not your hand that is shaking....stupid keys) into the keyhole and run to your bedroom to hide under the covers. If other people share your fear, I can bet that your grip on your mace will be a little looser,  your drive home a little faster and your hand a little less shaky.

Now if you are like me and like to watch horror movies alone or anytime you have your love over to your house, you know the great ones to see.  Here are a few less obvious titles to check out.

Halloween 2 

The original is nostalgic for me but the more effective movie to me is the second movie. Michael Myers stalking patients, doctors and nurses at the Haddonfield General Hospital creates fear in place you are supposed to feel safe. Not to mention the use of the 50's song "Mr. Sandman" is creepy and amazing. It sets a tone for the film that is unexpected and strangely ominous. Of all the Halloween movies other than the original, I'd say this offers the most scares. It also marks the last appearance of Jamie Lee Curtis in the Halloween series for 20 years.  

Golden Unhappy Awards

Jamie Lee Curtis - Original Scream Queen Award

5.1 out of 5 Unhappy Faces

The Strangers 

A roaming pack of serial killers in clown masks or potato sacks torturing a girl and her boyfriend for a night before killing them. Why? Why would they do that? Because you were home. This is the kind of psychological and scary movies because well you are home a lot, aren't you? God knows I am and the thought of these happy people knocking on my window and breaking into my apartment to play with my insides freaks me the hell out. Watch this movie alone in a dark house and you'll feel someone watching you. It is truly a scary psychological movie that works on so many levels.

5 out of 5 Unhappy Faces

Hostel 2

I don't know about you but I found "Hostel" to be a pedestrian walk through a club of people who kill people for fun and profit. The original offered no thrills, very little awkward scared moments and really didn't make me want to root for the "good" guy.  "Hostel 2", on the other hand, offers you a look behind the curtain of the club to see some of the truly perverse ways people kill one another. The Elizabeth Bathory scene with the girl from "Welcome to the Dollhouse" (another scary movie for many different reasons) is worth the price of a rental. Hell it is probably (like most of these movies) available on Netflix Instant Watch. I would say, even if you haven't seen the original, that "Hostel 2" offers more blood, more violence and more sheer fun than the original.

4 of 5 Unhappy Faces

Friday the 13th Part 3 

A classic in the genre of slasher movies which established Jason wearing a hockey mask for the first time. Old Potato sack head, dons the mask and a legend in modern horror is born. Would there have been a Part 4 if not for the hockey mask. Thankfully we don't have to know. This genius opus was originally intended to be a 3D movie, the DVD version offers it only in 2D making the incessant shots of things flying at the screen. From machetes to some poor guys eyeball. And who knew that if you squeezed a man's head so hard that his eye popped out of their head, you would find it attached to a wire spring....awesome. It may have been more terrifying in 3D but nowhere near as fun. This is not a serious scare movie, just the beginning of when people stopped being scared and started chuckling at the horror conventions in the Friday the 13th series. Not to mention it is the pioneer in the lazy killer movie where the killer just hangs out in a barn and waits for the people to come to him.

2.75  of  5 Unhappy Faces - if I'm being honest.
4.5  of 5 Unhappy Faces - if I want to have fun with it.

Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 or  H2

Rob Zombie's Halloween series is much maligned and wrongly so. He took a movie series that was stagnant and added new layers to a character that had ceased to be scary and made us fear "the night HE came home" again. Again I find "H2" is the scarier of the 2 movies. It does not rehash the same story from the original #2 but creates a whole new world in which Michael dies and Laurie is driven to madness as her friends are killed leading to her picking up Michael's mantle and becoming him after he is killed. A genius premise and to watch Scout Taylor-Compton's descent as Laurie Strode into madness makes you smile and enjoy all the slashery goodness. Also some great performances from Malcolm McDowell as Dr. Loomis, Brad Dourif (Wormtongue himself) as Sheriff Brackett whose daughter is a victim of Laurie Strode's big brother to finish the mess he left in the first film, and Taylor Mane as Michael for emoting under a mask, creating a troubled character with layers the original series never thought to add. 

Golden Unhappy Award

Scout Taylor-Compton - Fresh Face of Horror Award
                                                  Jamie Lee Curtis Memorial Scream Queen Award


Malcolm McDowell- Fresh Take on a Iconic Character Award
                                           
Weird Al Yankovic - Random Cameo Award

5 Unhappy Faces out of 5

Paranormal Entity

The lower budget (how much lower budget can you get from Paranormal Activity?) rip-off/homage to Paranormal Activity has even more blood, gore, and the great Erin Marie Hogan (no relation to Hulk) as the haunted sister in a family of people being harassed by a demonic presence. Plus unlike Activity, Entity at least unleashes the breasts of the heroine. The movie follows most of the Paranormal Activity stye but adds new scares and to me more effective character development.  This movie alerted me to Erin Marie Hogan, who is a refreshing new face in acting. I hope we see her more and she recently did an ad for Conan playing  a stripper. I do think she has more to offer than just a body because she penetrates the screen better than most. You root for her and want to save her. Like Jamie Lee before her, a new scream queen for our generation. Check it out...

Golden Unhappy Awards

Erin Marie Hogan - NEW Scream Queen Award

                                       Fresh Face of Horror Award

4 Unhappy Faces out of 5 

These are all movies any fan of horror should see (in the cases of Halloween 2 and Friday the 13th Part 3 movies you should already have seen them). All of them have their bad moments but in the end watching horror movies should be more fun than scary. So grab some popcorn, snuggle in with your girlfriend, boyfriend, or favorite pet and enjoy the cheesy camp and genuine scares in horror movies. Sometimes it is nice to have a reason to snuggle a bit closer and hold each other a little longer.  

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