How terrifying is Europe these days? I’m not against going but I’m not gonna go wandering out into any secluded areas or drive my Euro P.O.S. Down any country roads. Nah, that leads to being murdered or in the case of this Netflix Instant Watch Pick of The Week, Human Centipede, it leads to being transformed into something truly horrific. I don’t have the stomach nor inclination for something like that. I’ll have the standard tourist fare. The Coliseum, Eiffel Tower, The Louvre...just no trips out to a whorehouse in the middle of nowhere. If movies have taught me anything, it is that doing stupid things leads to being killed or eaten... or worse.
The movie opens with two American girls on vacation in Germany trying to find a dance club for the night. Of course the one girl who is supposed to know where it is, really doesn’t but don’t worry, she’ll wing it. Next thing you know we are on a road in the middle of nowhere (and we all know what that means) in the middle of a rainstorm with a flat tire. The conventional horror movie would have them fall into the hands of a sadistic murderer but Human Centipede is different. The man who drives past them, does not give them a ride but instead leers at them to the point of uncomfort and then drives on. The girls decide no is a good time to go looking for help.
I’d point out that in the history of anything, nothing good ever comes from getting out of the car. Here is a tip to the wise, learn how to change a flat. These two Americans did not learn that lesson. Something so simple as learning how to use a car jack and unscrew some lug nuts. In the end, it can save your life or drastically improve the life you have. Lindsay and Jenny did not prepare for this so they have to go hiking through the woods aimlessly looking for someone to help them. I suppose the idea of running into the German rapist who left them helpless again did not occur to them but they are in luck, they have found the lovely home of a nice German doctor who will help them.
This is again where you can learn from horror movies past and present. Dr. Heiter seems like a good man but in the end, there is no one in horror movies who is a good man so if you find yourself in this situation, flat tire in Germany, and you run across anyone who is acting very nice, kick him square in the nuts, use the phone and get the hell out. It will save you some time. Lindsay and Jenny, bless their hearts, did not learn this lesson either and wander into the spider’s web as wide eyed innocents. Of course they ask for something to drink, and while Dr. Heiter “makes the phone call”, he drops a tab of sleeping tablet in his subjects glasses and the fun can begin.
When Lindsay or Jenny (I didn’t really feel the need to learn the individual character names) wake in the basement of the demented doctor he explains his plot. At this point you can only hope that he will torture and kill them but no, this doctor has a fetish that is a little different. He wants to perform a surgery on them and create a three pieced human connected anus to mouth. As they said in Clerks 2, you never go ass to mouth. So basically he will take a man and sew one of the girl’s mouths to the anus of the man, and then take the other girls’s mouth and attach her to the first girl’s anus.... yeah, they went there.
Lindsay gets away and suddenly you have hope that you will not have to see this monstrosity but looking at the clock, there is still about an hour left and that leaves for plenty of ass to mouth. In fact, one could say that this movie has more ass to mouth than an ass to mouth porn. Now Lindsay finds her way into a pool and the doctor to get her out begins to close the pool cover. A logical person after being told the doctor’s plans would simply allow the pool cover to cover them and die. Lindsay is not that smart, again God bless her. She lets the pool cover go over her but when the power fails in the remote hunting house, the doctor goes to see what happened.
Here is another moment when horror movies should save them but doesn’t. Lindsay goes back to the basement to get her girl Jen. It is a noble gesture but come on. If some guy told me her was gonna hook me up to two other people by the ass, I’m running and I’m leavin my boy Phil on the table if her were there with me. I love you brother, but some things we don’t need to do together. Needless to say, Lindsay is captured and the centipede is made. From then on, you just pray for the moment when the whole things dies or the doctor is captured. I’ve never been grossed out by a torture porn horror movie before but this one takes the cake. I don’t think I’ll be the same again after this one. Not because it is a bad movie but because I know that there is a sequel in the works and this centipede has 12 pieces... ermhmmm that seems interesting. Why, dear reader, do I do these things to myself? In closing, if you ever find yourself in the position of having to choose which part of a human centipede you want to be, do not choose the middle. For the love of all that is holy, do not choose the middle.
Mr. Unhappy sez: O.K. Can I go throw up right now and take a rape victim shower?
Up Next:
I don't know.... Thor?
Seriously I need a shower and a good cry.
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