Number one problem for someone who is unemployed, depressed and writing a blog is when your computer decides to blow the battery charger and you suddenly have a computer that wants “electricity” to charge the “battery”. Also I had nothing to write. Am I supposed to blow my Hangover 2 load just to get something out there. No, I need to marinate on that one for a while and by a while I mean, Monday. Yet I also feel so accomplished for taking not one but two trips to the Best Buy to get the proper battery charger. Yeah! Anyhow, I was kind of fledgling as to what to write since I am being facebook ignored by most of my peeps. Do you know how sad it is that when I open my face that the people who talk to me most are ex-coworkers who want to return my first season of Fringe or the people who are playing Madden Superstars with me. Yes, I am really that sad.
Anyhow, now that Buster Posey is gone for the season, watching Giants baseball seems less than thrilling so I search for other things to distract me during the scary torturous moments when my brain insists that the Giants are only doing bad because I am watching. So I turn away and find that on Comedy Central they are playing one of my top five Kevin Smith Movies. I capitalize that because Kevin Smith Movies are more than mere pictures on the screens around our great USA. Kevin Smith speaks to the viewer and tells you specific stories about who he was at the time he made the film. It is like a portrait into a fat man’s life. So Clerks 2 was on and of course once the beard put some fear into some Brewers I relaxed (dare I be so bold as to say chillaxed... no, no we are gonna go with relaxed) with the story of Kevin Smith’s lovable clerks in their 30’s for two hours. Then I saw that Jersey Girl was on and by 3 AM when it ended I was weeping like a child, saying “I’m gonna go write a blog!”
So now the top five Kevin Smith Movies in descending order.
5. Dogma
Kevin Smith’s religious views point out both the hilarity and the need for religion. While done in his usual mocking way, the story of two fallen Angels traveling from hellish Wisconsin to New Jersey to get back into heaven but not realizing that the very act will destroy the Earth delivers with laughs and thoughts on religion that I never really had. Do I believe in God because of the film, maybe. I can count on 1 hand, the movies that can make me think seriously about religion. With his upcoming Red State, I cannot wait to see how he skewers the Westboro Baptist Church. While Dogma created such a fervor for trashing religion it actually was a movie that treated the church with more care and allowed Catholics to take themselves a bit less seriously. I made a new proclamation after seeing Dogma. Any movie with a rubber poop monster is gonna get my money... look Out Monsturd, I’m coming for you!
4. Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Let’s face it that this movie was given very little chance to succeed just from the title it was given. No Mom can look the other way on an R rated movie that has the word “Porno” in the title. American Pie they can turn the head as a harmless comedy about pie, which it was. Seth Rogan meets the only other person who can cast him in something that works other than Judd Appatow. Did you see Green Hornet? Silly and sad. This comedy about a group of people who meet to create a porno so that Zack and Miri can pay their bills, consistently and crudely delivers. You may not feel completely clean after seeing it but why do we have to label it a bad movie because someone made a sextape. By that rational, anything Paris Hilton makes is bad because it reminds us of the awful sex tape she made me watch at night with my pants down.
3. Jersey Girl
Let’s just say that between this movie and The Notebook, I have used up my guy’s allotment of tissues and not in a good way. If you added My Girl to the movie night of tearjerkers, I’d be 50 percent gay. This movie came out the significant shadow of Gigli and since Bennifer was in the movie this movie was instantly bad without any actual evidence to convict it by. Did it have an emotional father/ daughter story? Check. Did it have a lovable and irrascible grandfather with weird “uncles”? Check. Did it have a Dad learning how to be a better dad? Check. And finally, did it have a small girl and her father killing grandpa and sliding him down so the little girl could bake him into a meat pie whilst singing? Check. I love the sweetness and the first time that Kevin Smith didn’t mask his humanity with curse words. Well less curse words... and that scene where Ben look lovingly into his daughter’s eyes as they dance... damnit 75 percent.
2. Clerks 2
The movie that brought Kevin back from the abyss and brought him a deeper understanding as of the guy he is today. Clerks 2 takes what was established in the original and bring them to a more mature (well as mature as Randall can be) and offers a look into the moment when you reach a point in your life that you have to start growing up and making decisions on what you are gonna do in life. You start making decisions, getting a career, settling down, have kids. Wow this is all really depressing me now. And this movie has a donkey show... I never need to see a man spit on his palm to lube himself up for loving a donkey in the ass... which is odd because isn’t that like having sex with a donkey in the donkey. Odd.
1. Chasing Amy
Yeah, how can I have a top 5 Kevin Smith movies, including Clerks 2 without having the original Clerks in it? That is how good Chasing Amy is. It also posits the theory that a man can turn a woman from lesbian to mansbian (I’m working on a patent for that). So this movie is both a romantic comedy and a fantasy movie. At least for guys, I assume for the lesbians it is a horror movie. Yet what I love most about Chasing Amy that bumps Clerks from the list is that the movie is serious about the love story and when loss happens, you feel the loss with Ben and Joey Lauren Adams. It can be considered the movie that saddled us with Ben Affleck but they were working on Good Will Hunting before that so it was gonna happen sooner or later. Chasing Amy is not a perfect movie but when you watch it you can feel both love and regret. It is the perfect movie for a guy who is deathly afraid to being alone or who tells someone who they love that they love them and then don’t hear from them for a week. Wow... that got personal real quick. Yet Chasing Amy shows the promise of Smith growing up and doesn’t just depend on dick and fart jokes. Kind of does but it doesn’t depend on them.
The great thing about Smith is that everyone can choose their own top 5 movies. They offer discussion and can carry conversations. So I've given you my top 5...discuss.
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