I have this thing about movies. I know, shocking as it is I find myself drawn to the movie theater when my life is in a bad place. If you’ve ever seen the movie Clerks 2, the go cart track is a place where Randall is reminded of a simpler time and it centers him. The same can be said of the movies and me. Oddly, I am usually attracted into going to movies that affect me emotionally. Perhaps it is a way to allow myself to cry and be emotional as I am usually just my surly bastard unhappy self. So in times when I feel good about myself, feel wanted, I see less movies. When that ends and Mr. Unhappy takes back the mantle from the masses, I can find myself going to the movies 3-4 times a week, using that time to center myself and remind myself of simpler times.
So I ended up at the theater tonight. No need to bore you kids with the details but I am not the happy bearer of good spirits and I am again fully ready to embrace the title I gave myself of Mr. Unhappy. One can hope that I can throw that away at some point in my life and be Mr. Relatively Normal or even, and I am rather sure the gods would riot if I ever became Mr. Happy Go Lucky. So I’m fighting for Mr. Relatively Normal. Yet I digress from the point of this blog, the movies. Tonight I offer you a review of the new movie “Something Borrowed” based on the book of the same name by Emily Giffin.
Something Borrowed
I had seen the preview for this movie so I knew walking into the film that there was a 50/50 shot of this being an utter pile of garbage. I have a theory about romantic comedies that when you see them, they either engage emotionally with you or they turn you off completely. Unfortunately for “Something Borrowed” it is the latter. This movie begins with the 30th birthday party for Rachel, our protagonist yet one of the most spineless characters since the last character Ginnifer Goodwin played. I’m not gonna say she is getting typecast but look at the track record. Right away you can see that the focus of this party is not birthday girl Rachel but her (for some reason) best friend Darcy played by Kate Hudson looking as though she had been aged 10 years. Darcy is a force of nature, drinking, dancing and partying like she is a 20 year old college girl at a frat party who really wants to be liked. Her fiance is Dex, who seems to be as beaten down by Darcy as Rachel is. He brings with him the loathsome Marcus who really works hard to bring up the level of douchebaggery in his character. John Krasinski is Ethan, the best friend of Rachel who as shown by Darcy’s toast of her friend slide show has been with the both of them since childhood.
Well one thing leads to another and we learn that in law school Rachel and Dex were fast on their way to being coupled when hurricane Darcy blew into town and took her for herself as Rachel choked back tears into her Heineken. Now years later, Darcy and Dex are engaged and Rachel confesses her crush on Dex and the two finally end up in bed together. Problem is that the wedding is months away and Dex doesn’t seem to want to call it off. Is it because his mother is looking forward to it? Is it because of the vocal sex he has with Darcy? Is it because he is just too spineless to tell Darcy he doesn’t want to be with her but instead wants to be with Rachel?
The problem with this movie is that none of the characters are worth investing in. Darcy is a bitch and someone who (and admits to) cheats on Dex and maintains this friendship with Rachel out of some sad obligation and desire to keep her down. Dex is now cheating on Darcy (which I guess makes you sympathetic to Darcy though that is quite the chore in and of itself) with Rachel and is stringing her along with hopes that the right answer will pop out of thin air and end this problem for him. Rachel is now cheating with her best friend’s fiance and attempting to get him to fall in love with her although she doesn’t really want him to because that might hurt Darcy. Marcus is a playboy who keeps trying to sleep with Rachel and is sleeping with Darcy plus half of the women they meet clubs/bars/in the park/walking down the street and to raise him a notch they show him skateboarding in the park disparaging the kids who can’t perform tricks he can’t do either. Literally I felt like I needed to wash after a scene when he sits with Rachel telling him about how he tried to jerk off to her and couldn’t get it up.
Is this the best that Hollywood has to offer me in a romantic comedy? Sometimes I wish that they would stop trying to make a realistic romantic comedy and just give me some good old fashioned fairy tale loving. I don’t go to these movies to learn that the nice guys who want nothing but to love and support and be with someone never gets the girl. That I’ve learned enough from my own life. I was offended that at the end of this movie Marcus and Darcy are together and that Rachel and Dex were together and somehow Rachel still missed Darcy so they may reunite their friendship. Are you f**king kidding me? So the only person who gets screwed over in this movie is Ethan?
My only solace is that maybe he got to get away from this psychotic quad of people. Good lord, this movie made me angry. It annoys me for a movie to take something as serious as love and pass it around like a 2 dollar whore. It annoys me that in the end of this movie, the only one worthy of love is alone and pining for the girl he let get away. It annoys me that people probably will consider this a movie with some real heart. Folks, I’ll tell you this much, if I ever met these people in real life, I would kick all of them in the armpit. I wish to god that people would learn to treat love with a little more reverence and all this move tells people is that in the end you can be the worst person imaginable and still have a happily ever after and the lonely writer is the only one left alone and miserable typing on his keyboard. Maybe this hit a little too close to home but even in the worst of times I would never wish being alone on anyone... and then I met Darcy, Dex, Rachel and Marcus. These people pervade and mock the idea of love so badly, I wish nothing but that they were miserable and alone, wondering how they became such bitter people. Hollywood on the other hand leaves that for Ethan. Good job.
Mr. Unhappy Sez: If you see this movie and like it I will punch you in the armpit (which I hear is quite painful) and then beat you to death with a spoon. It may take awhile.
Mr. Unhappy borrows some gold for a Golden Unhappy Awards for:
Steve Howey as Marcus - The "Johnny Lawrence" Douchebag Award for outstanding ability in making the audience hate him
John Krasinski - Nice Guy Finishes Last Award
ONLY REDEEMING CHARACTER IN A MOVIE AWARD
Ginnifer Goodwin - Taking a Pathetic Woman and Making Her Unlikeable Award
And The New Golden Punch in The Armpit Award goes to...
"Something Borrowed" - As The Biggest Insult to Love Stories of All Time
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